Putz the makkes[1] daven[2] schvitzed[3] like a sea
And fonfer’d[4] in a strong kibitz[5] like a landsman,[6] honkily.
Middle Jackie Mason[7] schnubbed that shmatte[8] Putz
And called him shtunk[9] and greasy fat[10] and dreck that drops from mutts. Oy!

Putz the meshugge gon’ schvitzed liberally
And gonif’d[11] ’cause not balbatish’d,[12] a Kabbalah[13] man, not he.
Putz the manic, naggin’, ’bitzed endlessly
And gonif’d ’cause he’s not tzitzit’d,[14] a Kaddish[15] chant man, not he.

Dude pestered, lacking chachma,[16] making bulbas[17]without fail.
Jackie schlepped the book out, purged of Putz’s frantic wail.
Kosher knishes, blintzes, the chow for which they came:
Irateness at dairy-flayshig[18]mixing in dish same. Oy!

Putz took vat and slammed in milkhik, then he
Went fleishik[19] and got ’em in fits. . .horah dancing horribly.
Putz took vat and slammed in milkhik—worse, he
Went fleishik, and the nosh was pig, and then khapping[20]hoggily.

A landsman’s snipped—shorn member, but not so, little goys:
Flayed-off thing with knife can sting. Oy vey! uncovered toy.
One day, naches[21]—shtuppin’—jackin’-taper game no more.
But Putz for right-she shaggin’, seems he can’t easy score.

He’ll have no ben[22] if furrow, queen swale, he can’t gain.
Putz, no schlonger yenta mate, a nonpopped-cherry swain.
Without a pipe’s strong spend, Putz cannot put stave
In shmundie[23] like piked chavers[24] who slip into the cave. Oy!

Putz is madly whackin’—kvitching[25] glee,
A frotteur with a working fist on the hand, then plotzing[26] spree.
Putz is madly jackin’, metzitza-free:[27]
He’s frothing up a scrotum schvitz, from the hand-maul, schlong potchkee.[28]


[1]nothing
[2]daven: to pray
[3]sweated
[4]fonfer: nasalize
[5]comment
[6]someone from the same town
[7]Comedian and ordained rabbi who allegedly gave Ed Sullivan the finger when the latter motioned for Jackie to get off the stage.
[8]piece of junk
[9]fool, dope, jerk
[10]schmaltz
[11]gonif: shady character
[12]balbatish: respectable, well-mannered
[13]Jewish mystical movement
[14]tzitzit: fringe at the corner of a prayer shawl
[15]Kaddish: a prayer glorifying god’s name
[16]profound saying
[17]mistakes
[18]meat, poultry, or food prepared with animal fat; according to dietary laws (kashruth), may not be eaten with dairy products
[19]meat
[20]khap a nash: grab a bite to eat
[21]joy
[22]son
[23]v@gin@
[24]friends
[25]screaming
[26]exploding
[27]BJ
[28]slap