Making fun of music, one song at a time. Since the year 2000.
Check out the two amIright misheard lyrics books including one book devoted to misheard lyrics of the 1980s.
(Toggle Right Side Navigation)

Song Parodies -> "Hey, Bong Swimmer (Michael Phelps)"

Original Song Title:

"Big Spender"

Original Performer:

Peggy Lee

Parody Song Title:

"Hey, Bong Swimmer (Michael Phelps)"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

See intro to other post today. Or not. OS lyrics on Web vary, so done to this YouTube video, as per original Broadway score instructions, "to striptease music". (NOW will someone actually click the link for once? lol)

The way that you lit up the joint [1]
Eight gold medals, winning; quite a distinction
The best contender!
Conditioned, slim and tall
Our country is broke, so help us! Just endorse to the Mall! [2]

So let me get right to the point:
Dump that law so dork, and lay a dime on me [3]
Hey, bong swimmer
End that silly crime, Oui, Whee!

Wouldn't ya help it get un-done, son?
How's about some new hash cash?
I can make the tax ... flow climb
Vi'lent crim'nals do ... more time [4]

Exactly just who did anoint
Congress as the source of moral distinction?
They're all big drinkers!
Ted Kenn'dy: homicide [5]
So wouldn't you think that I should have the right to decide?

So, Congress, States: don't disappoint
Phelps: defeat elite! Discreet: complete delete! [6]
Legal, tender! [7]
Beats a bender! [8]
Tax the vendor!
End that stupid crime, "toot sweet" [9]


Hey, you with the strong shoulder joint
Drove the competition's hopes to extinction
The rest, surrender
So clearly in your prime
So who gives a flying f what you do on your own time?

Reality, statutes: disjoint
Congress hands out pork to all but you and me
Gold neck-ringer
Help cure this insan-ity!

What is so bad about fun, fun, fun?
Daddy take away T-... -Bird? [10]
(TT does Beach Boys' ... song wrong)
Anyway, the law's ... absurd!

So, stop with the smug finger-point
Spitzer pays for hos; atone to wife: mink; shun!
A marriage-ender
Tax: Cab'net? No; no fine [11]
So who in the intercourse are you to judge morals, mine?

Now, let me get back to my point:
Breaking law: New York; L.A. to Ha-wai-i
Mock'ry, render
Law: lose splendor
Message, sender:
Ahhhh.....capulco Gold's for me! [12]

[1] Might as well start right off with a pun: "Light up the joint" = Make happy, enthusiastic, and cheering the venue (joint) where the Olympic swimming events were held; and also ... you know.

[2] The National Mall in Washington, D. C., at the east end of which (cleverly pixilated so the bad people can't find it, but the 24 million yearly visitors can) is the Capitol Building, home of the U.S. Congress.

[3] "dime" = US ten-cent coin. In the pre-inflation days, a half-ounce bag of the weed retailed for ten *dollars*, hence the slang term "dime bag". Those were the days, my friend; we thought they'd never end; we'd sing and dance, and all night long, we'd play. We'd live life as we choose; we had no need for booze; refill the bong, and only ten bucks, pay!

[4] According to various sources, 25-50% or more of prison inmates are there for *non-violent* possession or sale of illicit drugs, or for crimes needed to produce the income to pay the high black-market cost of these drugs, most of which, if legal, would cost pennies per dose. (Marijuana cigarettes have been said to be cheaper to grow and produce than tobacco cigarettes, if both were legal.) Aside from ruining their lives and fostering the same disrespect for the law as did the 1920s prohibition of alcohol, our overcrowded prisons could stop releasing truly violent criminals early due to lack of space.

[5] OK, time to p*ss off the Kennedy-worshipers. Leaving the scene of an accident, regardless of fault or any other factors, is itself an offense. According to witnesses, Kennedy was clearly under the influence as he drove 28-year-old Mary Jo Kopechne home from their party (or "party"; not goin' there, 'cept for the joke at the end), not to mention driving off of a bridge, something sober people rarely do. The (unlawful) stalling until the next morning to report it was the only possible way of getting the blood alcohol level down. Having a fatality-causing motor-vehicle accident while DUI is variously called (in different states) "vehicular homicide" or "manslaughter"; in TT's state, it can get you 30 years in prison. In Massachusetts, however, all members of the Kennedy family are exempt from all laws except the laws of nature, which refused to bend for JFK Jr., and caused his plane to crash when he was unable to control and recover the aircraft as taught in basic flight training, even before your first solo (first flight as a student pilot without an instructor in the plane). He'd received his license recently, so should have had those skills fresh in mind, but who would ever tell a Kennedy they've failed their flight exam?

btw, TT's ex is a veteran law-enforcement officer, so if ya wanna argue with *him* on this, ya gotta go through *her* first -- and I don't envy you that! :-) And Tom-Tom has the same Private Pilot license that John-John had. End of discussion.

Joke from the time of the Chappaquiddick incident:
"According to the forensic scientists, Sen. Kennedy's car was doing 140mph (225 km/hr) when it went off the bridge".
"Really? How could they tell?"
"That's how fast it must have been going for Mary Jo's panties to have ended up in the glove box."

[6] Translated from Turtilian to English: Phelps' victories over the world's best swimmers prove that the most prudent course of action is to repeal the entire set of drug laws, and end President Richard Nixon's stupid War on Drugs. Nixon lost. Drugs won.

[7] "Legal tender" -- as printed on every worthless paper bill in your wallet, legally valid with which to pay your debts. Pun: "tender", mellow mood said to be a result of said substance.

[8] According to reliable sources, no next-day hangover, as opposed to an alcohol "bender" (binge).

[9] "tout de suite" (Fr.) = right away, immediately. "toot" (from bong) "sweet" -- you know.

[10] Whoever thought up that verse musta' been smoking *something*. (sheesh!)

[11] Use my tax dollars to pay for your hookers; don't pay your income tax, then, if caught, say you're sorry, but don't pay any fine, much less go to jail or even lose your Cabinet post; take bribes; huge donations from lobbyists who expect something in return (d'oh); take two years off from your job as a Congressperson to run for President, while still accepting full salary and benefits for doing very little work... and then dare to judge *me* on my personal and moral choices? I don't think so.

[12] Back in the dime-bag days (cf. [3], supra), this Mexican variety was said to be the best. Since then, the Mendelian principles of genetics, cross-breeding, and hybridization, combined with indoor grow-houses with scientifically-controlled environments, fertilizers, etc., have produced ever-more potent varieties, dwarfing those innocent, Happy Days. Aaah, science!...

© 2009 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

Your Vote & Comment Counts

The parody authors spend a lot of time writing parodies for the website and they appreciate feedback in the form of votes and comments. Please take some time to leave a comment below about this parody.

Place Your Vote

Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
Overall Score: 

In order for your vote to count, you need to hit the 'Place Your Vote' button.

Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 10

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   10

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Timmy1000 - June 03, 2009 - Report this comment
TT, good song to use for Phelps' trouble. Having posted a couple of them in the past, these are always appreciated and too bad Phelps didn't understand he lived in a glass house. Nice transition into "crime" issues in general and public figures.
Mark Scotti - June 03, 2009 - Report this comment
Wonderful "double hit", of this topic from you today, Tom!!!
alvin - June 03, 2009 - Report this comment
my fave of the day
adagio - June 03, 2009 - Report this comment
Do you know this stuff off the top of your head? Lotta research anyway.

Liked the joke on and the punnish "Ahhhh.....capulco Gold's for me!" Very entertaining and informative. 5's
AFW - June 03, 2009 - Report this comment
More helps for Phelps...way to go
Tommy Turtle - June 03, 2009 - Report this comment
Timmy1000, thanks much.
Mark Scotti (lol!) thanks!
alvin: always pleased to receive the AFOTD award! ... thanks!
adagio: Know some of it, research some, also fact-check aging memory... glad you enjoyed and found in informative as well. Thanks for v/c, adagio.
AFW, thanks.
Invisible Boy - June 03, 2009 - Report this comment
Great write Tommy. I love this OS (wasn't it once a cigar commercial ?) and what you did with it.
Do you remember "Panama Red"(yeah I know it was a song)
I feel we're becoming closer today, so may I be so bold as to recommend a book to you ? It's called The Kennedy Imprisonment by Gary Wills. It's fascinating. Not to say that I disagree with your Ted crack.
I once wrote "Teddy Crashed His Car On Chappaquiddick" to Grandma Got Run Over etc.
It's a little too over the top to post at amiright, but to give you an idea...

"Sometimes Teddy thinks of Mary And her sad untimely death And how as her saw her sinking: He swam away and yelled “just hold your breath” (“hold your breath”) "
you get the idea...
TT - June 03, 2009 - Report this comment
Invisible Boy: Yes (cigar). Yes (Panama). Will check into it (book), but really think the Kennedys get enough media attention already, and kinda sick of hearing about them....didja catch Gov. Ahnold's appearance on Leno, where he summed up the secrets of his success, the short version of a speech to a graduation class?

1) Come to America.
2) Work like hell.
3) Marry a Kennedy. (Maria Shriver) ...LOL!

BRILLIANT title sub you have there. Almost *nothing's* over the top here, except for hate speech (that means Sotomayor can't post here lol). profanity, and personal attacks on writers/commenters, so Just Do It, Dude! ... the sample line was LMAO; can't wait for the rest. Thanks for v/c, and definitely also for "getting to know you" (old song title)
Travelin' Man - June 04, 2009 - Report this comment
Phabulous stage left, dahling! Great use of the OS and uberinfomative foot message! Pardon brevity; composed on cejj...
Tommy Turtle - June 04, 2009 - Report this comment
Travelin' Man, 's alright -- and no charge for foot massage. (Pardon misread; composed on laptop screen with tired eyes!)

"WASHINGTON (AFP) – A group of US representatives plan to introduce legislation that will legalize marijuana and allow states to legislate its use, pro-marijuana groups said Wednesday.

The legislation would limit the federal government's role in marijuana enforcement to cross-border or inter-state smuggling, and allow people to legally grow, use or sell marijuana in states where it is legal.

The bill, which is expected to be introduced on Thursday by Republican Representative Ron Paul and Democratic Representative Barney Frank, would be the first ever legislation designed to end the federal ban on marijuana.

Sixteen of the 50 states as well as the District of Columbia have legalized the use of marijuana for medical purposes.

But planting, selling or commercially distributing marijuana remains illegal under federal law.

Last year, California citizens voted not to legalize recreational marijuana use, although the debate continues in about half a dozen other states.

Three weeks ago a group of ex-presidents of Latin America as well as former United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan denounced the failure of the global war on drugs and called for urgent changes, including the legalization of cannabis.

Between 1998 and 2008, worldwide consumption of opiates *increased* 35 percent, with cocaine use growing 27 percent and marijuana use growing 8.5 percent, according to the Global Commission on Drug Policy.

June marks the 40th anniversary of the "War on Drugs" launched by President Richard Nixon in 1970, the first major US anti-drug initiative."

(emphasis on "increased" was added by yours truly, to illustrate that the War on Drugs has been lost, along with the billions and billions of dollars spent on it. - TT)
Patrick - June 23, 2011 - Report this comment
Ron Paul and Barney Frank, now there's a combo. I never smoked pot, but I have inhaled. Smells like wet grass on the 5th of July. Gives me a headache, but that's likely because it is usually accompanied by unlistened-to music played at dangerously absurd levels. Here is my prediction. If the feds do sort of legalize cannibas, they will do so in the form of tax legislation, hoping to cash in on the current, artificially high price levels. This will, in turn, promote bootlegging, since the currently illegal sources will still be in place. This happened with liquor, and government never learns.
Patrick - June 23, 2011 - Report this comment
The feds are also demanding that the tobacco companies cover up the logos on cigarette packages with photos of diseased organs and autopsied corpses of dead smokers. If anyone in our illustrious circle has any contacts with the CEO's of the tobacco industry, here is my suggestion: At the stroke of midnight that these rules take effect, immediately shut down your factories. Burn any product you still have in your warehouses. Cease purchases of tobacco and other supplies (paper, ink, electricity, etc). Lay off all your employees and let them go on welfare or unemployment. Deprive the government of all excise taxes and settlement funds. Watch for the federal hypocrites to scream their heads off, while the Mexican cartels and the Canadians gear up to supply yet another lucrative market. I suspect the average tobacco exec has enough money saved to survive this disruption to his income, and it would teach everyone a lesson.
belaTed Thanks - April 24, 2012 - Report this comment
Patrick: Sorry I missed, or didn't reply to, your insightful comments. Short version: Agree on all. Thanks for v/c.

The author of the parody has authorized comments, and wants YOUR feedback.

Link To This Page

The address of this page is: For help, see the examples of how to link to this page.

This is view # 1964