The way that you lit up the joint [1]
Eight gold medals, winning; quite a distinction
The best contender!
Conditioned, slim and tall
Our country is broke, so help us! Just endorse to the Mall! [2]

So let me get right to the point:
Dump that law so dork, and lay a dime on me [3]
Hey, bong swimmer
End that silly crime, Oui, Whee!

Wouldn't ya help it get un-done, son?
How's about some new hash cash?
I can make the tax ... flow climb
Vi'lent crim'nals do ... more time [4]

Exactly just who did anoint
Congress as the source of moral distinction?
They're all big drinkers!
Ted Kenn'dy: homicide [5]
So wouldn't you think that I should have the right to decide?

So, Congress, States: don't disappoint
Phelps: defeat elite! Discreet: complete delete! [6]
Legal, tender! [7]
Beats a bender! [8]
Tax the vendor!
End that stupid crime, "toot sweet" [9]

[Reprise]

Hey, you with the strong shoulder joint
Drove the competition's hopes to extinction
The rest, surrender
So clearly in your prime
So who gives a flying f what you do on your own time?

Reality, statutes: disjoint
Congress hands out pork to all but you and me
Gold neck-ringer
Help cure this insan-ity!

What is so bad about fun, fun, fun?
Daddy take away T-... -Bird? [10]
(TT does Beach Boys' ... song wrong)
Anyway, the law's ... absurd!

So, stop with the smug finger-point
Spitzer pays for hos; atone to wife: mink; shun!
A marriage-ender
Tax: Cab'net? No; no fine [11]
So who in the intercourse are you to judge morals, mine?

Now, let me get back to my point:
Breaking law: New York; L.A. to Ha-wai-i
Mock'ry, render
Law: lose splendor
Message, sender:
Ahhhh.....capulco Gold's for me! [12]




[1] Might as well start right off with a pun: "Light up the joint" = Make happy, enthusiastic, and cheering the venue (joint) where the Olympic swimming events were held; and also ... you know.

[2] The National Mall in Washington, D. C., at the east end of which (cleverly pixilated so the bad people can't find it, but the 24 million yearly visitors can) is the Capitol Building, home of the U.S. Congress.

[3] "dime" = US ten-cent coin. In the pre-inflation days, a half-ounce bag of the weed retailed for ten *dollars*, hence the slang term "dime bag". Those were the days, my friend; we thought they'd never end; we'd sing and dance, and all night long, we'd play. We'd live life as we choose; we had no need for booze; refill the bong, and only ten bucks, pay!

[4] According to various sources, 25-50% or more of prison inmates are there for *non-violent* possession or sale of illicit drugs, or for crimes needed to produce the income to pay the high black-market cost of these drugs, most of which, if legal, would cost pennies per dose. (Marijuana cigarettes have been said to be cheaper to grow and produce than tobacco cigarettes, if both were legal.) Aside from ruining their lives and fostering the same disrespect for the law as did the 1920s prohibition of alcohol, our overcrowded prisons could stop releasing truly violent criminals early due to lack of space.

[5] OK, time to p*ss off the Kennedy-worshipers. Leaving the scene of an accident, regardless of fault or any other factors, is itself an offense. According to witnesses, Kennedy was clearly under the influence as he drove 28-year-old Mary Jo Kopechne home from their party (or "party"; not goin' there, 'cept for the joke at the end), not to mention driving off of a bridge, something sober people rarely do. The (unlawful) stalling until the next morning to report it was the only possible way of getting the blood alcohol level down. Having a fatality-causing motor-vehicle accident while DUI is variously called (in different states) "vehicular homicide" or "manslaughter"; in TT's state, it can get you 30 years in prison. In Massachusetts, however, all members of the Kennedy family are exempt from all laws except the laws of nature, which refused to bend for JFK Jr., and caused his plane to crash when he was unable to control and recover the aircraft as taught in basic flight training, even before your first solo (first flight as a student pilot without an instructor in the plane). He'd received his license recently, so should have had those skills fresh in mind, but who would ever tell a Kennedy they've failed their flight exam?

btw, TT's ex is a veteran law-enforcement officer, so if ya wanna argue with *him* on this, ya gotta go through *her* first -- and I don't envy you that! :-) And Tom-Tom has the same Private Pilot license that John-John had. End of discussion.

Joke from the time of the Chappaquiddick incident:
"According to the forensic scientists, Sen. Kennedy's car was doing 140mph (225 km/hr) when it went off the bridge".
"Really? How could they tell?"
"That's how fast it must have been going for Mary Jo's panties to have ended up in the glove box."

[6] Translated from Turtilian to English: Phelps' victories over the world's best swimmers prove that the most prudent course of action is to repeal the entire set of drug laws, and end President Richard Nixon's stupid War on Drugs. Nixon lost. Drugs won.

[7] "Legal tender" -- as printed on every worthless paper bill in your wallet, legally valid with which to pay your debts. Pun: "tender", mellow mood said to be a result of said substance.

[8] According to reliable sources, no next-day hangover, as opposed to an alcohol "bender" (binge).

[9] "tout de suite" (Fr.) = right away, immediately. "toot" (from bong) "sweet" -- you know.

[10] Whoever thought up that verse musta' been smoking *something*. (sheesh!)

[11] Use my tax dollars to pay for your hookers; don't pay your income tax, then, if caught, say you're sorry, but don't pay any fine, much less go to jail or even lose your Cabinet post; take bribes; huge donations from lobbyists who expect something in return (d'oh); take two years off from your job as a Congressperson to run for President, while still accepting full salary and benefits for doing very little work... and then dare to judge *me* on my personal and moral choices? I don't think so.

[12] Back in the dime-bag days (cf. [3], supra), this Mexican variety was said to be the best. Since then, the Mendelian principles of genetics, cross-breeding, and hybridization, combined with indoor grow-houses with scientifically-controlled environments, fertilizers, etc., have produced ever-more potent varieties, dwarfing those innocent, Happy Days. Aaah, science!...