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Song Parodies -> "To Reign, Hussein Must Plainly Beat The Dame (My Fair Fiddlegirl 7/16)"

Original Song Title:

"The Rain in Spain"

Original Performer:

My Fair Lady: Lerner / Loewe

Parody Song Title:

"To Reign, Hussein Must Plainly Beat The Dame (My Fair Fiddlegirl 7/16)"

Parody Written by:

Fiddlegirl and Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

If you missed the start of our parody of the entire musical on Wednesday, September 30, 2009, please enjoy it in order!

Scene 1 is here.
Scene 2 is here.
Scene 3 is here.
Scene 4 is here.
Scene 5 is here.
Scene 6 is here.

In our last exciting episode, the valiant, never-say-die Professor Turtle struggled on with his obstinate student, as the AmIRighters empathized with his misery. The struggle to make a proper parodist of her, and to enlarge her repertoire, continues.

PROF. TURTLE: [spoken]
Ms. Fiddle, if you wish to write *political* parody, you must *understand* the situation first.

Now, listen carefully:

John McCain is a decorated war hero who spent five and a half years in a North Vietnamese prison camp, where he was brutally interrogated almost every day. He still bears wounds from that, and lost most of the use of his right arm. His experience of thirty years in the Senate dwarfs Obama's.

So, the Democrats cannot attack McCain directly. However, Barack Hussein Obama has youthful good looks and charisma, is an eloquent speaker, and holds the race card.

Therefore, in an effort to combat the fact that the news media gave 99% of their coverage to Obama, with MSNBC practically kissing his behind on camera, McCain chose a female VP candidate, and quite the looker, too -- the perfect thing to get some attention back to the GOP.

Unfortunately, she proved to be not too bright. So *that* is where the Dems need to attack.

[FG looks at him blankly, uncomprehending]

Here, let me see if I can put it more simply:

[spoken slowly; bored, weary, and almost hopeless]
To reign, Hussein must plainly beat the dame

To reign, Hussein must plainly beat the dame

[startled, looking up with renewed attention]
What was that?

Her mane, acclaimed; Won fame; This dame’s "got game" [1]


The game, it’s plain: defame and tame her flame!

I think she's got it! I think she's got it!

Sustain campaign, and White House, you’ll attain

By George, she's got it! By George, she's got it!

Now, once again, where is this dame?

With McCain! With McCain!

And how can she be slain?

Her brain…inane!

FG, TT, and Col. NITPICKERING, in unison:

Campaign, Hussein, from Florida to Maine

TT: Bravo!

ALL, in unison:
Just feign disdain for small-town dame’s domain

In Hartford, Houston, and Hawaii --

-- Hillary hardly happened

[TT plays the xylophone] [2]

[spoken, to rhythm of chimes]
How blind was she to Leftist’s charm!

Now, once she came, where was the stain?

On the dame! All the blame!

On map, where'd she place Spain?

Ukraine! Ukraine!

Take aim, fair game, declaim the name: Hussein
Free reign, obtain: Proclaim your fame, no shame!

[bantering back and forth as they dance - cha cha, Flamenco, folk dances, etc.]

Tell me, what *should* Bill Clinton do?
Must refrain! Poon, abstain!

Joe's hair -- can you explain?
Rogaine!™ Rogaine!

[ad libbed] [3]

Alaska's claim to fame: her fetching frame
To gain the reign, must mainly beat the dame

But why is *she* Obama's bane?
Entertain! Entertain!

And how does she drive men?
Insane! Insane!

She'll drain your gains cuz' she ain't no plain Jane
Because she's vain, you have to pull her chain!

Refrain remains: Be Seinfeld to Elaine!
Hussein: obtain and maim claim of lame dame!


Success at last! Tune in to our next exciting episode, as the erudite exegeses and their excellent elaboration by Eliza elicit exuberance!

[1] Former winner of 'Miss Wasilla' (town in Alaska) beauty pageant.

[2] For those who haven't seen the movie, this is paralleling a movie scene: Professor Henry Higgins plays the xylophone in the rhythm and pitch in which he wishes Eliza Doolittle to speak, as part of the overall goal of teaching her proper speech, manner, and grace.

[3] The two couplets above match an instrumental in TOS. The remainder, until the final "Ole", isn't in TOS, but we were having too much fun with it :-)

Rogaine ® McNeil-PPC, Inc. All else © 2009 Fiddlegirl and Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 7

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   7

User Comments

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Old Man Ribber - October 05, 2009 - Report this comment
I think she's got it! By George, she's got it!
Timmy1000 - October 05, 2009 - Report this comment
Nicely done - showing the writing of a parody song in your parody of the song in the musical.
Christie Marie M - October 05, 2009 - Report this comment
(Applauds): Bravo! I echo all the above comments! Nice to put this scene to a political level! Nice to hear those lovely voices! TT, I'm also guessing that you were playing the xylophone with your flippers, no? Ms. DoFiddle and Prof. Turtle at their best! Another 555 star performance!
Andy Primus - October 05, 2009 - Report this comment
What! No mention of the moose? I learned all I know about the lady from reading JAB parodies.
Moose doesn't rhyme with Spain - October 05, 2009 - Report this comment
... and sometimes, it might be better to get a "broad"-er viewpoint than that of one detractor.
TT - October 05, 2009 - Report this comment
OMR, Timmy1000, Christie Marie M, thanks to our loyal fans as always!
Andy Primus, thanks also, and just for a few other views, here are some of TT's Palinodies:

Hope you find some of those interesting or amusing.

MdrwS: True, but FG/TT can work in *anything* if they wanted to. :-D .... it just didn't seem to be that big of a campaign issue, as opposed to the ones covered in the parody. Thanks for dropping, by,and say hello to Squirrel for me! :-)
Fiddlegirl - October 05, 2009 - Report this comment
OMR: By George, I'm glad we've got *you* as a fellow AIR-head! ;) Thanks for your cheery v/c, as always.

T1K: It's kind of like those little nesting dolls from Russia, isn't it? Well, OK, maybe not *quite* like that. Well, not really like that at all... (hehe) Thanks-- glad you're still with us! :)

CMM: Thanks! Actually, TT dances on the xylophone, like Tom Hanks in "Big"-- you remember the scene at FAO Schwarz? ;)

Andy P.: Haha! We "moosed" have forgotten! ;)

MDRWS: TT *does* keep assuring me he can work in anything... I'm not exactly sure what he means by that. ;) Thanks for the review!
alvin - October 06, 2009 - Report this comment
its plain...i'm say'n..your brains are both insane
TJC - October 06, 2009 - Report this comment
Lexcellente as always you two... perfectly staged n' nuanced with nary a shell scratched nor bum note from the Rhynamic Duo! My fave--the crazy rhyme reign of insane 'Spain' germanes! (would never have come up with 'Elaine' on my own)
Tommy Turtle - October 06, 2009 - Report this comment
alvin: no argument here -- but don't you write about norman bates, frankenstein, and such? pot calling kettle black ... j/k! thanks!

TJC: OTOH, we missed "germane", poss. cuz it reminded TT of Germaine Greer (barf!) ... I wish I could come up with Elaine on my own.... thanks for v/c.

Crazy person pretending to be Fiddlegirl: "moosed" have forgetten? You set FG free immediately, and quit signing her name!
blackjack21 - October 10, 2009 - Report this comment
Mainly entertained and Seinfeld to Elaine plainly reigns.
TT - October 11, 2009 - Report this comment
blackjack21: Yeah, "Kramer" and "Costanza" just didn't sound right somehow, you know? ... one of those "gut instincts". :D thanks for reining in, and raining reign-worthy v/comment!

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