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Song Parodies -> "Poor Professor Turtle ('My Fair Fiddlegirl', Scene 6 of 16)"

Original Song Title:

"Servant's Chorus (Poor Professor Higgins)"

Original Performer:

My Fair Lady: Lerner / Loewe

Parody Song Title:

"Poor Professor Turtle ('My Fair Fiddlegirl', Scene 6 of 16)"

Parody Written by:

Fiddlegirl and Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

If you have not yet read Scene 5, please read it before reading this Scene.

If you missed the start of our parody of the entire musical on Wednesday, September 30, 2009, please enjoy it in order!

Scene 1 is here.
Scene 2 is here.
Scene 3 is here.
Scene 4 is here.

In our last exciting episode, Ms. DoFiddle expressed her venom at the tyrannical Turtle's terrible tirades. Nonetheless, she really does want to succeed at parody. She resigns herself to yet more hours of repetition of his exposition, and humbly returns for her lexical lectures and lessons. The AmIRighters are by now admiring the Professor's profound patience and persistence.

Poor Professor Turtle
Sore, Professor Turtle
'Spite dismay, he'll bravely stay
Inure, Professor Turtle

Right her wrong; don't retreat
Smile, not frown; do not succumb --
-- Till she's best, 'cause she's sweet
Though a little dumb

[Interlude, as the Professor makes another try at the seemingly-hopeless Eliza]

Poor Professor Turtle
Sure: possess her, Turtle
On he plods; she numbly nods
Endure, Professor Turtle!

Never can
Get to scan
Work till midnight! Get it right!

Not again!
Wretched hen!

[showing FG how to count syllables]
Four... five ... six... syll'bles

[continues to try to teach FG how to count and match syllables and stresses, and to syllable-match/rhyme where possible.]

Quit, Professor Turtle
Split, Professor Turtle

Ne'er will she
Learn parody
No wit, possesses Fiddle!

Make it rhyme! Match somehow!
She's confounding; Can't be trained
Take your time; Keep your vow
Don't stop try'n'; Explain!

[to FG, slowly, as to a moron]
The name of game: remaining in the vein

Will Eliza *ever* get it right? Tune in for our next exciting episode on Monday, and find out! Have a great weekend!

© 2009 Fiddlegirl and Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 10

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   10

User Comments

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blackjack21 - October 02, 2009 - Report this comment

My, this *is* quite the project, delightful story so far. I thought that we’d see a musical or maybe a concept album. Although I was hoping for “Tommy” by The Who. Or perhaps “Fiddler on the Roof?” ;-)

Superb writing to this point, but hardly a surprise given the writing team and time spent on this. Lots of fantastic rhymes and subs, as mentioned. I’m sure the pacing is up to snuff, though I don’t know most of the music that well. I applaud your quality work and dedication to getting it done. Are you finished or still tweaking as you go along? Looking forward to the rest of the story and seeing that awful Professor get his, not a very likable character, he. But awful good writing, I must say. ;-D

Now, tell the truth kids, did you really get in a fight last weekend? Or had you taken on the personnas of your characters a wee bit prematurely? Clever way of trying to give the clueless a clue to your project? LOL either way! :-D
Timmy1000 - October 02, 2009 - Report this comment
Keeps the story moving, although some of us AIRers might be thinking the Prof is too hard on her at this point and rooting for poor DoFiddle, instead of feeling sorry for the Prof. Looking forward to next week. Blackjack, pacing is great - I just go to YouTube and listen to OS while reading. It's like a real Broadway production.
Christie Marie M - October 02, 2009 - Report this comment
(Applauds): Bravo! Another fine rendition from the frustrated, but well-meaning Professor Turtle and the amateur, but determined parodist Ms. DoFiddle! I've enjoyed your performance lots! You two put on quite a show! Those quarrels, hilarious as they are, shows how much you have strong opinions of the best ways to write satires! Looking forward to your next act on Monday! A usual 555 star performance!
Old Man Ribber - October 02, 2009 - Report this comment
I want to audition for the role of Alfie DoFiddle, but I can't do it see, I'm Getting Married In The ;D
TJC - October 02, 2009 - Report this comment
BJ21 said it all and said it well above. I'd forgotten what a wee slip of athing this number was, but you've made the most of it... and I too wonder about the 'ongoing tweaking' (no, not your meth habits) vs. already set in stone, er, 'chitin'.

BTW, be uber-cautious Professor--as you know, anything over 200 'drafts' qualifies as a Class '5' Heracaine
@ bj21 and TJC - October 02, 2009 - Report this comment
bj21: Yes.

(and/or also, possibly, starting to set up the characters for the real thing?) ... As it progresses, more should be apparent in retrospect, as regards your question.

TJC: No matter how many weeks or months you work on something, or how many times you proofread it, something always shows up at the last minute, especially in the preview pane. Sometimes, just before hitting the "send" button, which is still much better than seeing it *after* hitting the "send" button.

As of this second, there are 226 total drafts, not counting a few that were deleted from this writer's collection. Thanks for the Class 5 designation!
AFW - October 02, 2009 - Report this comment
I wasn't able to read this...all the AIR read tickets were sold's a a few years you can go on the road...the only time I go on the road is when I can't make it to the next rest stop....great musical work
Andy Primus - October 02, 2009 - Report this comment
Sounds like FG isn't getting what she needs from TT. Maybe she should sneak off with TJC for some extra tuition on the side
Professor Turtle - October 02, 2009 - Report this comment
ALL: I *theenk* everyone knows this, but to err on the side of safety, this work -- like the original play and movie -- is a work of *fiction*, in the same way that I've written more than a dozen sheep-boffing parodies, even though I don't actually boff sheep. (Well, alright, there was that one -- but only *once* -- and I was very drunk, and my gf had just dumped me, so I was feeling lonely and vulnerable.... there she was, offering comfort and warmth -- and what a wild and woolly ride!)

Anyway .... as with most fiction, no similarity to any actual person is intended or implied, and any such is coincidental. FG is, and was, an accomplished, talented parodist from the get-go -- why else would TT have partnered with her? ... and as for TT, ever since he arrived at the site almost four years ago, he's been carefully nurturing and polishing his picky and pedantic persona, just so that when the role of Henry Higgins finally became available, he could nail down the casting without even having to audition. (... and if you believe that, TT has some land in the Everglades to sell you, and he'll be happy to show it to you any time, except during the rainy season.)

Individual replies to follow, keeping in mind that it's slow, typing with flippers.
Tommy Turtle - October 02, 2009 - Report this comment
blackjack21: Thanks, but, uh, isn't "this" a musical? (keeping in mind that we're writers, not singers.) Two other good suggestions, that merit a TTypcial long-winded reply, so will save that for afterward. .... Thanks for the very kind reviews. If you haven't seen the movie, or seen it recently, I encourage you to rent it or whatever, irrespective of our little project. *Excellent*, and they don't make 'em like that any more. .... We always *think* it's done, but see the partial reply to you and TJC a bit above. .... If you watch the movie, Professor Henry Higgins isn't very likable either -- despicable, in fact. Thanks for the compliment regarding TT's capturing that character in his role. :)

Timmy1000: Thanks for the pacing support, and yes, that's another option for AJ. Superb compliment -- "like a real BW production" -- thank you so much!! :D ..... Regarding the Prof, in this particular scene in the movie, as you saw from the video, the servants in the Higgins household do indeed express sympathy for the Prof's endless hours with her. In fact, it gets to be 3am, he has a headache and an ice bag on his head, and yet he still wants her to get it right, just once.... So while we subbed for the OS, we followed its tone and the movie's theme at this plot point. ...Thanks again for your continued reading, following, and lucid commentary.

Christie Marie M: You are too, too kind, as always! Thank you! .. You understand the two characters perfectly. :-D Have a great weekend, and looking forward to seeing you on Monday! Thanks again!

Old Man Ribber: Congratulations! Who's the extremely lucky lady? ... and actually, Alfie was another of the many characters cut in the interest of simplicity and sticking to our story, so you made a good choice -- I hope :) .. thanks for v/c!

TJC: The very first sketch was going to drop this song, actually. But then it was realized, everything is an opportunity... glad to hear you thought we did maximize that. See the remainder of reply to you (and BJ) above, and thanks as always for using your obvious knowledge and love of the original for astute analysis.

AFW: I'll get you a couple of comp passes, don't worry! ... and I oh, so empathize you about that "next rest stop, 100 miles" thing, when I've only got 20 miles more room inside ;-( (hint -- empty Clorox™ bottle). Thanks for v/c-ing it despite not being able to read it!

Andy Primus: Perhaps you should run that by Mrs. TJC first, if there is one? :D .... plot point: TT isn't getting what he needs out of FG ATM (as in the movie). Stay with us..... and thanks as always for v/c.
Fiddlegirl - October 02, 2009 - Report this comment
BJ21: Yes. No. Yes. ;) Thanks for the kind v/c-- stay tuned: you won't be disappointed!

T1K: Thank you, my new BFF! ;)

CMM: As always, thanks. Feel free to join us for the cast party afterwards!

OMR: Hehehe!

TJC: Thanks! Of course, TT is classy in any designation! ;)

AFW: You should have said something! We'd have gotten special stage passes for you (and your many friends.) ;)

Andy P: LOL! "I know I shall always be a lady to TJC, because he always treats me as a lady, and always will." ;) [Obscure movie quote. We've watched it enough to have the thing memorized!] Thanks for v/c.
TT @ blackjack21 - October 02, 2009 - Report this comment
Sigh... always butting in. Just like a woman...

"Fiddler on the Roof" would be a natural title switch, wouldn't it? ... We thought the real personas, esp. of TT, though heavily fictionalized, of course, ;) fit this one very well.

Re: "Fiddler": Yiddishisms like "shtup" and "schmuck" seem to have made it into the common vernacular, at least here at AIR. Overall, I might be afraid that not all readers would be familiar enough with Jewish culture and tradtion, such that some would be lost. TT was reared in an area with a signifcant Jewish population, had many Jewish friends, has some Jewish buisness associates, etc... Can't speak for FG, and DK about AIR as a whole, so that might be a concern.

Trivia: The selection of opening date, 9/30: (Apologies to Guy DiRito, who diligently researched all significant events occuring on that date in history, including the death of James Dean IIRC, and further apologies for encouraging him along those lines in the interest of maintaining suspense.)

We had planned and hoped to have it ready at least a week earlier, if not more. However, the Jewish HIgh Holy days ran from September 18th through the 28th, and over the years, a number of AIR-ers have self-identified as Jewish. Although the week intervening might not have cost much readership, the 28th is the most important holiday of the year to that faith, so we thought we'd wait until afterward, give it one more day, then kick it off on the 30th. Turned out to be a wise decision, irrespective of religion, as these things always take longer than one -- or two -- expect(s). Especially when FG .... n/m (lol kidding, m'dear!)

Re: Tommy, by The Who: Another natural title switch! But it would be almost entirely about Tommy, and frankly, that's probably too much for many readers, most of whom have likely had quite enough of him already. :D ... Deaf? Turtles in fact do not have ears. Dumb? Both senses: they can't speak, and their brains are about the size of a pea. (Explains a lot, doesn't it?) But blind? ... hmm, nah.... Love "Pinball Wizard", and in fact, as a TTeen, was quite the wizard. Back when a game cost ten cents, there was one night that a few of us played the same machine all night, through several pitchers of beer, on one dime -- just kept winning free plays all night, and finally gave the remaining ones away when it was time to call it a night.

But as for the "rock opera", I vaguely remember seeing it at the time, and it didn't stick, because I didn't much care for it. IMHO, YMMV, of course, but it's not one that this writer would care to do. Many of us love puncturing songs we despise (MacArthur Park, e. g.), but not an entire musical, to be intimately involved with it for a month. Good ideas, though -- anyone else who wants to try parodying a whole musical, have at it!
alvin - October 02, 2009 - Report this comment
go eliza can do it !...lmao
TT - October 03, 2009 - Report this comment
alvin: thanks -- I'm sure she'll appreciate the encouragement!
Old Man Ribber - October 03, 2009 - Report this comment
Hey...I was making a funny.../I've been happily married for 20 years! ;D
Andy Primus - October 03, 2009 - Report this comment
"plot point: TT isn't getting what he needs out of FG ATM (as in the movie)". Never seen it in any form so any parallels will be lost on me. You're seeing it from the side of the prof (which in real life is less important to me because he already has the knowledge). I was seeing it from the side of the student. A student with a grouchy, irritable teacher is the one missing out because they won't reach their full potential. I don't know if this is typical but when I was at school in the 70's we had a miserable b*stard chemistry teacher who would have been better suited to the Victorian days. Asking him politely to try to behave a bit more like his co-workers just gave us more detentions. As a result we did well in the other lessons and for the most part it was a joy to learn new things. I can't remember anyone who did well in chemistry. Maybe it's just tougher than the rest and we wouldn't have done that well anyway but I've always wondered if it would have been better had we been taught by a normal human being. And no, this time I'm not kidding. Rutlish High School (the one that gave the cane to a young lad who became British Prime Minister John Major). If you still think I'm joking go to
and see the 8th photo down (initials D. G. W. D) for a pic of said 'teacher'.
TT - October 03, 2009 - Report this comment
Pld Man Ribber: I got it! I got it! Just playing along with your joke! ;-D

Andy Primus: I couldn't agree with you more. I suffered through school. (I wrote a parody about it, but won't plug; if you want the link, let me know.) ... I've taught many things in Real Life, in fields ranging from private academic tutoring to athletics to business. I'm nothing whatsoever like the Professor, either in the original or in the parody. I'm extremely supportive of my students and consider that the burden is on me, not them, to see that they succeed (as long as they're willing to make the effort, of course.)

You certainly don't have to watch the movie, although I'd strongly recommend it. It's a classic that is still aired nowadays, 45 years after it was made. And as it was UK-based and -written, I thought it might be of special interest to our friends east of The Pond. ;)

In any event, please be assured that the Professor in the movie is every bit as horrendous as he is portrayed by this "actor". I'm confident that FG will back me up on that, or, for that matter, so would anyone else who's seen either the movie or the play. That Timmy1000 continually affirms that we've captured the OS well also is evidence of this.

I appreciate the link, but don't need it. I've had plenty of horrible teachers. I would never treat a student that way (as the movie and parody Professor do), nor, for that matter, treat a woman -- or any human being -- as coldly and cruelly as the Professor does. (I also don't boff sheep -- but we've had that discussion already. ;D )

So yes, this is all part of the plot, which parallels the movie plot to a a large degree, at least in the major theme and characters. Do feel free to boo and hiss at the villainous Professor! ... won't be taken personally, I assure you, so long as you understand that I'm "acting". I too found the "real" Professor Higgins disgusting -- which was vital to the plot. If they'd gotten along perfectly, there'd have been very little story to tell or songs to sing. Cheers!
Typo Turtle Strikes Again! (@ OMR) - October 03, 2009 - Report this comment
"Old", not "Pld". Sorry :-(
blackjack21 @ TT - October 03, 2009 - Report this comment

My good man, *must* you take everything so literally? My comment of 'thought we'd see a musical' was as in 'Aha! I *thought* we'd see a musical!' But I didn't want to sound so smug and it was kind of a no-brainer anyway. The references to "Tommy" and "Fiddler" were merely plays on your screen names, hehe.

I think when you write something fictional that people believe is more factual, it is the ultimate compliment. It means that you have done your job as a writer and made them *believe* that it really happened. I never for a moment thought FG's character was based on fact. Professor Turtle, on the other hand, not so sure. ;-D

I haven't seen the movie in many years, but do remember some of it. Yes, my assessment of Prof. Turtle was a compliment on making him as fully detestable as Higgins, otherwise your story would be rather vanilla. Must I spell everything out f--oh, forgot, pea brain. ;-D

Great job guys, looking forward to the exciting conclusion next week. I'm rooting for you, Eliza DoFiddle! Give that Turtle what for! ;-D
TT - October 03, 2009 - Report this comment
blackjack21 "Must I spell everything out f--oh, forgot, pea brain".


Whiz at math, whiz at verbal skills, child prodigy and all that boring cr*p, but, like most such geeks (athleticism aside), no social compass whatsoever; i. e., poor at reading people, esp. on the Net, without the body language and non-verbal cues of personal conversation. Which explains a lot of the faux pas and gaffes I make on this site.

Appreciate your understanding, and appreciate your spelling it out for The Dense One. Thanks for the very kind words, and thanks on FG's behalf, too-- I'm sure she'll be pleased and respond when she sees them. You're telling us we're achieving every writer's Holy Grail -- thanks, Dude. :-D
blackjack21 - October 04, 2009 - Report this comment
LOL, that's always a problem with online communication. Emoticons help, but not always. :-( It would be easier if we didn't try to be so darn clever all the time, but where's the fun in that? :-D
TT - October 04, 2009 - Report this comment
blackjack21: Point well taken! I have no trouble whatsoever reading, say, a technical paper on the Web. But once "people" -- esp. "clever people" get into the picture -- :-D

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