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Song Parodies -> "I've Grown Accustomed To His Pace ('My Fair Fiddlegirl' Scene 16 of 16"

Original Song Title:

"I've Grown Accustomed To Her Face"

Original Performer:

My Fair Lady: Lerner / Loewe

Parody Song Title:

"I've Grown Accustomed To His Pace ('My Fair Fiddlegirl' Scene 16 of 16"

Parody Written by:

Fiddlegirl and Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

one space short of the final parenthesis...
If you have not yet read Scene 15, please read that Scene first.

If you missed the start of our parody of the entire musical on Wednesday, September 30, 2009, please enjoy it in order!

Scene 1 is here.
Scene 2 is here.
Scene 3 is here.
Scene 4 is here.
Scene 5 is here.
Scene 6 is here.
Scene 7 is here.
Scene 8 is here.
Scene 9 is here.
Scene 10 is here.
Scene 11 is here.
Scene 12 is here.
Scene 13 is here.
Scene 14 is here.

In our last exciting episode, Ms. Eliza DoFiddle declared her independence from the Professor, as she felt that she did not need him, or his "assistance", any more. The Professor, au contraire, was delighted at her parodomaturation, and admired her new independent spirit, yet still feels that they would do better as a team than if they were to go their separate ways - and that she needs him. (And he, her? He'd never admit it!). But is it too late? Is this the end of Team Fiddle-Turtle?

Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!

Can’t get accustomed to his pace
He’s picky as the day is long
Shreds all my brilliant lines to bits
With half-a-million nits
“Off here—you see?
Not hard, watch me!”

Ms. Fiddle’s pacing, pure disgrace
Should be on list of Deadly Sins
If she would only be more careful with her counts in every line,
Read my Guide To Perfect Pacing: Homework, I ... assign
But as it is, can’t overlook
Each rough, misguided choice
She *must* learn ... how to ... pace!

FG: [spoken]
“Write with Turtle!” What an infantile idea. What an impulsive, naïve, foolish thing to do. I’ll regret it; I’ll regret it! I’m doomed to have each lyric disavowed!

I can see me now, Mrs. Fiddle Writing-Hood
Typing on my little keyboard, fingers sore
I can see me now, with pneumonia taken ill,
Mind fatigued, but still the Turtle, stern: “Once more!”

I’ll try to write the way he wishes
And end up writing jingles instead
Wishing I were with the fishes
While Professor floods my lyrics with red!

In a year or so, when her fans have gone away
And the Five-ings that she seeks have turned to squawks
She'll come back, bow low, and be begging on her knees
For the erudition of the Turtle Talks

Poor Ms. Fiddle. Back then, so spiteful!
Now, ingratiating! And invite-ful!

How gratifying: she, in massive emails day and night
As she clamors, "Teach me more, to write your way"
Pitiable that only with me can she write right
Will I take her back, or let her drown in Ones?
Give her lessons or a spanking for her nerve?
Will I share with her my ... most impressive clout?

But I'm a Turtle, ever kind
Although a sheep, I would; never could --
-- Stop exposition, or even hold a grudge
With all, I share my mind

She'll not have another crack
If she were begging, "Pretty please"
Let her write it on her own
Let her readers gag and groan
I'll help no more; condemned forever: Threes!

FG: [spoken]
“Write with Turtle”—Ha!

But maybe soon I’ll hear him say
“You got it, kid! Hooray!!!"
No more of those:
"Rewrite—this blows!
"Pace: second nature to you now
"None leaving out; wit, weaving in
"And though you’re not a math’matician;
"For analysis, no clue;
"Still, I’m very happy
"To be writing songs ... with you"

I’ll be so proud to share "my space”
With Turtle here on AIR;
Accustomed to his pace

Professor Turtle, back in his den, is pacing (so to speak) aimlessly, not knowing quite what to do with himself. Attempting to stifle the urge, but failing, he boots his computer and reads some of Eliza DoFiddle's early "parodies", seemingly such child's play, so many lessons ago ... was it weeks, months, or years ago? Time is a blur...

He flips to her recent works and to their collaborations, noting the amazing contrast. He recalls the time spent together, sometimes quarreling, sometimes frustrating, sometimes an agonizing effort, but in his heart, he knows that something deep within Eliza has touched something deep within himself.

He trembles for a moment. What good is it to have a shell if it can be breached so easily?

Angry at himself for his momentary weakness, he shakes it off as he would shake parasites off his scales. He collapses into his recliner, head in his hands, and mutters to himself aloud.

[spoken, shocked at the sudden epiphany]
I've ... I've grown accustomed to her grace!

He hears a click of the laptop lid being closed. He looks up and is startled to see in the doorway --

[spoken, mimicking her initial awe of the Professor]
I read your Pacing Tips before I came, I did. [1]

The professor tries to stifle a smile and his joy, as unsuccessfully as he tried to stifle his heartbreak a moment ago. Feigning the pseudo-superior smugness that had been too real for too long, he lifts his head and eyes to meet hers, smiles, then relaxes back into his recliner with a look of contentment and happiness.

Fiddle, dear, please fetch my slippers -- all four of them. [1]

She brings his four slippers and crawls into the recliner with him, tucking her head on his shoulder as he puts his flipper around her and draws her close. They snuggle, happy together. [2]

And they were Merried (and Pippined), and parodied happily ever after! [3]


[1] SPOILER ALERT: If you haven't seen the movie and don't intend to, the actual footnote is below all the copyright stuff. If you haven't seen it and intend to, or saw it but forgot it and might see it again, don't read that footnote.

[2] Could that be a follow-up, since it was a hit for The Turtles? Who knows? Guess we'll just have to wait and see what comes next from the minds of the Furtle (Fiddle-Turtle)!

[3] Our humble homage to AIR's greatest male-female writing team ever -- oh, heck, just AIR's greatest writing team ever, regardless of gender, who so many times have inspired us all.

This has been a Fiddlegirl-Tommy Turtle production.
Written and produced by Fiddlegirl and Tommy Turtle.
Directed mostly by Tommy Turtle, as he's inherently as domineering as Henry Higgins, but Fiddlegirl generally ignored him, as everyone should, and thus came up with massive brilliance of her own.

This parody, like Scene 8, "We Were De-Pantsed All Night", was previously posted on its own, in slightly altered form and without the ending, on September 1, 2009. The warm reception to both played a *very* large part in encouraging us to take on the tremendous task of tackling the entire musical. We're glad we did. Thanks again to those whose support motivated us to collaborate on this classic.

© 2009 Fiddlegirl and Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. Interested producers (and anyone else who needs to), e-mail:


[1] Both of these lines are direct paraphrases of the actual last two lines in the movie -- the last line for each character -- adjusted for the situation, of course.

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 10

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   10

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

alvin - October 09, 2009 - Report this comment
one eye cried tears of sadness..the other, tears of laughter...merried and pippened...lmao...what a masterpiece you two have, author..etc etc etc
Old Man Ribber - October 09, 2009 - Report this comment
FG, where the devil are my zippers? (Bravo...standing ovation...roses for FG...curtain calls...Authors! Authors!) Now, when are you two going to do Camelot? ;D
AFW - October 09, 2009 - Report this comment
More amazement and lyrical brilliance from the prolific pens of FG and TT
Timmy1000 - October 09, 2009 - Report this comment
Well developed story from beginning to end and a lot of class in this classic. Bravo TT and FG, take a well deserved bow.
Christie Marie M - October 09, 2009 - Report this comment
(Applauds, standing ovation): Bravo! Bravo! Such another brilliant performance! You two make a great team in spite of all the quarrels and disagreements that you've been through. And it always turns out well in the end! Ditto to all comments above! Ditto on TT "pacing!" So cute when Prof. TT holds Eliza DoFiddle in his flippers! A bouquet of 555 roses for FG and TT!!
Fiddlegirl - October 09, 2009 - Report this comment
A genuine heartfelt thanks to Alvin, OMR, AFW, T1K, and CMM for staying with us throughout the story, and for your many kind words of support and encouragement! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Tommy Turtle - October 10, 2009 - Report this comment
Echoing FG's thanks to all who stayed with us!

alvin: i believe that's the longest comment i've ever seen from you -- in fact, i think it's longer than all your other comments put together :) .... combined with CAPS the other day; it's alvin supreme! ... thanks much, my friend.

Old Man Ribber: I've already suggested doing Comealot to FG... the reply is a secret... but methinks a li'l vacation is in order before another of these! Thanks for support throughout!

AFW: Too kind, Sir, too kind -- thanks much.

Timmy1000: (bowing, which is somewhat difficult for a turtle) Thank you, and thank you for your support from beginning to end.

Christie Marie M: A *few* of those quarrels were fictional, you know! :-) ... glad you liked TT "pacing" heh heh :-D ... Nothing quite like being cuddled by a cold-blooded, shelled, scaled reptile, is there? Well, most men are snakes anyway, so a turtle would be an improvement, no? Thank you for your continued support, applause, stars, and now, roses!!!
seweweno - October 10, 2009 - Report this comment
how how about something with more drama, say, "The Turtle of the Opera."?
blackjack21 - October 10, 2009 - Report this comment

Oh...I think I...need a tissue...wait, I'm over it now. ;-)

Seriously, it was excellent writing. Not a speck of aimless pacing and as witty as the day is long. That goes for all the other episodes as well. Nice work ewe two.
TJC - October 11, 2009 - Report this comment
Absolutely tops in funny, finesse n' fratern'linesation! Ewe2 bursts on the scene and...rules! Sorry these heartfelt acolades are brief but I'm on the road & typing on a phone!
TT - October 11, 2009 - Report this comment
seweweno: I believe I do! ... Great follow-up idea, but mayhaps a little rest and recuperation first? ... and actually, I prefer Firefox™ to Opera™. (lousy ... a tech web-browser joke ... sorry) ... Thanks for reading, voting, and commenting! C you *as* soon as possible, when we've recovered!

blackjack21: Oh, go ahead, it's OK for men to cry these days -- and it's a great move on the chicks, shows 'em yer the sensitive type and all that cr*p -- they eat it up! ... (sees FG approaching, changes topic) .... Seriously, thank you, and thanks for cramming and picking up, what, 2/3 of the play in one day? Quite a compliment in itself. Thanks again, and in *my* deck, the count is always waaay in your favor!

'course, some people think TT isn't playing with a full deck...
Tommy Turtle - October 14, 2009 - Report this comment
TJC: No, no, no! You type on a computer and talk on a phone! :-) ...sorry, comments must have cross-posted. Thanks for kind comments, and have a safe trip. (It would be safer if you didn't try to type on a phone while driving lol!)

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