If you have not yet read Scene 13, please read that Scene first.
If you missed the start of our parody of the entire musical on Wednesday, September 30, 2009, please enjoy it in order!
Scene 1 is here
Scene 2 is here
Scene 3 is here
Scene 4 is here
Scene 5 is here
Scene 6 is here
Scene 7 is here
Scene 8 is here
Scene 9 is here
Scene 10 is here
Scene 11 is here
Scene 12 is here
In our last exciting episode, Ms. DoFiddle yelped at the yoke of the slave-driving Professor Turtle. She vowed to escape from that yoke, write her own yokes -- uh, jokes -- and her own entire rhymes, for that matter, and hied off in a huffy hissy fit.
Professor Turtle, of course, cannot understand such ingratitude, when he has spent most of his waking hours trying only to help her. He turns for reassurance to his friend, Colonel Nitpickering, asking: Is he really the slave-driver she makes him out to be? Is he not truly a kind and decent man, so generous with his time and attention? Why does Ms. Fiddle feel this way? Why can't she see things from his point of view?
What in all of Heaven could have prompted her to split?
Really! -- The unmitigated gall!
With my know-ledge, blessed her
Thought I had impressed her
I cannot grok the little twit at all!
Fiddlegirl's irrational! She thinks that she's "all that"!
Her stresses stink; her pacing often lags!
I give her my elucidating, educating, elevating,
Cultivating Five-ly-rating exegeses, but she calls them "nags"!
Nitpickering, why can't the Fiddle be more like I am?
I beg your pardon?
Yes! Why can't the Fiddle be more like I am?
Tactful but honest; I really do care
Forgiving of error; folks' feelings, I spare
To your song, I'll always Five and tip my hat
Why can't the Fiddle ... be like that?
Tell her there will never be another "her"
Can't the Fiddle learn what I have said?
Why is she complaining that I smother her?
Why does she throw up ... call me a bother; a dread?
Why can’t her manners ... be more like TT's?
Always so pleasant, and never would tease
Why, ev'ryone loves him; so easy to please
Do AmIRighters really think I need cold showers?
Of course not!
Are they livid if I write of bonking ewes?
And are they sickened by my talk
of virgins’ flowers
Well, why can't the Fiddle ... be a flooze?
Quite the vaudevillian, no doubt of it
Now and then, so gent-ly, he corrects
Some, of his uncouthfulness
, will pout a bit
But - known by all ... to be the Master of Lex
Why can't the Fiddle - be more like I am?
I'm always so friendly at sharing my mind
Well-lettered companion, polite and refined
If I were scouring for quim, sir, would you bellow?
Of course not!
If I worked hard to make your mirth play, would you fuss?
Is she the "Sally" to my "Tom" at Monticello?
Well, why can't the Fiddle ... be like us?
Why can't the Fiddle ... be more like TT?
Never indecent; avoiding all flaps
Never a yelp, de-spite anyone's lapse
Buddy to ChuckG, yup! Exemplary, become
Why won't the Fiddle ... just succumb?
Why is pacing something Fiddle never gets?
And why do all her syllables collide?
Ones and Twos from AIR are all she ever gets
Why won't she .... study and say "yes" to my Guide
Why can't the Fiddle ... behave as I do?
My ratings are zooming; my writings enthrall
I'm hailed as an expert, by one and by all
Would I start b*tching when my knowledge, I am showing?
Or carry on at fine-tooth comb wrought by TT?
Would I stomp off forever; stop my brain from growing?
Why can't the Fiddle ... be like me?
Will Ms. Dofiddle come to her senses and return, grateful for the Turtilian tutorials? Tune in for our next exciting episode, and find out!