He's a wonderful roommate
And he pays on time
But I think he might be gay
For when he comes up from behind
He just seems to stare too long
And it's causing me distress
It's been a long time since I've seen him
Near a person in a dress

The four pictures on his wall
Are all of Garland and Monroe
And he's always singing show tunes
And has hair like Fabio
He reminds me in the bathroom
That I look good in the buff
There's a "Playgirl" upon the toilet
And he's always in a huff

He wants to cut my hair
He says he just loves Cher
He says don't do what I do
You just haven't got the flair

He invites me to these parties
Where the guests seem rather weird
All the girls have Adam's apples
And a little extra beard
I've never seen this underworld
But something isn't right
Never had so many offers
To come up and spend the night

I don't like what I see
Please get up off your knee
Don't want a date or roommate
Who has friends that hit on me

(Transforming vocal solo)

I love my brand new hair
My new pals now are bare
I now do what my friends do
Now I've picked up on the flair

I now like what I see
Please get down on your knee
And now I date my roommate
From the closet I'm now free