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Song Parodies -> "A Girl Named Royce"

Original Song Title:

"A Boy Named Sue"

Original Performer:

Johnny Cash

Parody Song Title:

"A Girl Named Royce"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

The author was mortified to have fallen into the common newbie mistake of assuming that Royce Miller was male. The following and its companion parody, "Royce Miller", are offered in abject apology. Substitutions are admittedly (and perhaps unacceptably) few, as the OS just fits too darn well!
My daddy left home when I was three
And he didn't leave much to Ma and me
Just a book of poems and "Ulysses" by James Joyce
Now, I don't blame him 'cause he run and hid
But the meanest thing that he ever did
Was before he left, he went and named me "Royce"

Well, he must o' thought that it was quite a joke
And it got a lot of laughs from a' lots of folk
It seems I had to fight both girlce and boyce
Some gal would giggle and I'd get red
And some guy'd laugh and I'd bust his head
I tell ya, life ain't easy for a girl named "Royce"

Well, I grew up quick, and as just a teen
'Twas known by all that my wit was keen
I scribbled silly songs to find my fame
But I made me a vow to the moon and sun
That I'd search the web sites, ev'ry one
And kill that man that give me that awful name

Well, it was AmIRight in mid-July
I wanted laughs, duly droll and dry
I thought I'd browse and see what fakes it foists
At a par-o-dy based on Johnny Cash
There at a 'puter, typing trash
Sat the dirty, mangy dog that named me "Royce"

Well, I knew that snake was my own sweet dad
From a worn-out picture that my mother'd had
And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye
He was big and bent and gray and old
And I looked at him and my blood ran cold
And I said: "My name is Royce!! That name annoyce! Now, you gonna die!"

Well, I hit him hard with satiric stab
But he came back with a stinging jab
He come up with a joke and sliced me in pieces with it
But I voted three Ones right across his page
And we crashed through the wall and onto the stage
Makin' up MIDIs in the slime and the rhyme and the wit

I've taken shots at tougher men
But I really can't remember when
He quipped like a fool, with bon mots, many brimming bile
I heard him laugh and then I heard him cuss
He went for his pun and I said mine first
He stood there lookin' at me and I saw him smile

And he said: "Girl, this world is rough
"And if a gal's gonna make it, she's gotta be tough
"And I knew I wouldn't be there to give ya a start
"So I give ya that name and I said good-bye
"I knew you'd have to get sharp or die
"And it's that name that helped to make you smart"

He said: "Now, you just spun one hell of a song
"And I know you hate me, and you won't be wrong
"To kill me now, and I wouldn't blame you for that choice
"But ya ought to thank me, before I'm dead
"For the brilliance in ya brain and the slams that ya said
'"Cause I'm the son-of-a-bitch that named you 'Royce'"!

What did I do? What could I do?!

I got all choked up and I threw down my pen
And I called him my Cock, and he called me his Hen
And I come away with a mad urge to rejoice
And I think about how I survived
Every time I try and every time I'm Fived
And if I ever have a girl, I think I'm gonna name her
Jill, or Marge! Anything but Royce!

I still hate that name!

Please, also see "Royce Miller" by this author. OS lyrics might be here. © 2006 Tommy Turtle

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.2
How Funny: 4.1
Overall Rating: 4.1

Total Votes: 14

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   2
 3   0
 4   1
 5   10

User Comments

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AFW - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
Beyond brilliant spoofing, here...Masterful
Tommy Turtle - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
Does anyone else think up better versions right AFTER hitting the "Submit" button, or is it only I? E. g., Verse 5, which has no substitutions until its last line, should have read:

Well, I knew that snake was my own sweet dad
From a sick satire that my mother'd had
And I knew that petulant pique and his evil lie
He's a prig, and bent to bray and scold...
John Barry - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
5s for a roisterer of rhymes.
alvin rhodes - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
gotta love it...5s
TT - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
AFW, John Barry, alvin, thanks!
John B., how could I have missed "roister" when I "Royced her"? Good one.
Rex - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
Enjoyed this! Really liked "boyce" and "annoyce". And yes, I would say that most every author here has had that moment of d'oh! after hitting Submit.
(A Boy Named) Tommy Turtle - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
Thanks, Rex! Glad I'm not the only one with "coulda-shoulda-woulda-itis"!
Stuart McArthur - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
such a great idea, and so obviously well-intentioned that the gags about Royce being a horrible name I don't think would offend Royce (being integral to the story here) but there's some truly witty stuff in this TT - 555
TT - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
Stuart, thanks! As the intro says, the joke is on me, not on RM. Trying to get another apologia to Royce posted, with the same understanding: my mis-understanding.

Rex and everyone else, "Rhymes ain't easy for a name like Royce"!
Rick C - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
Nicely done, oh painted one. 555
Dirty Hairy - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
Thanks for keeping me from making this mistake in the future! All 5's
Michael Pacholek - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
Too much of the original song in here. But what was changed was (beeeeep) brilliant.
Tommy Turtle - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
Rick C., thanks!

Dirty Hairy, thanks, happy to spare others the stinging stabs from ruthless Righters (who all admitted that they made the same mistake) that I received at: "Johnny D-man (and others): Vol. I of Turtle Trilogy",, the source of all of this.

Michael Pacholek, I gave you a song idea at "Saturday Night..etc" on 3/11; no comment there; gave Red Ant an idea yesterday at "Imagine", and he promptlyposts "One Weak Chord" today, so guess who's gettin' all my hot ideas from now on? :) :)
Plus, your turn in the Turtle Barrel is coming verrrry soon, and you're gonna wish... well, never mind heh heh...
Seriously, thanks for the compliment, Mike, and I acknowledged your criticism in the Intro, by ESPN I guess, before you posted it. Very valid. :) :)
Larry Hensley - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
Really noyce, Fivesoyce
Red Ant - March 15, 2006 - Report this comment
A lot of work here TT and what Stu said. I have to admit I haven't heard TOS in a very long time but top marks all the same. Oh, feel free to throw me any ideas you have, though I think over time you will come to guard them like Fort Knox. Probably 15 or 20 of my parody ideas have come from comments on AmIRight (another good reason to read/leave comments - you might find a new song idea).
TT - March 15, 2006 - Report this comment
Larry and Red Ant, thanks!

Red Ant, I have far more ideas than time to execute them , as I'm sure many AIRs do, so happy to suggest them when someone's song provides me with one.
Royce Miller - March 29, 2006 - Report this comment
Tommy, I just got to read this one today; I guess you wrote these in a time when I was in my turtle shell, away from parodies. Anyway, I like this one very much, alot of work and it's funny.
TT - March 30, 2006 - Report this comment
Royce, there is no approval so gratifying as that from the subject of a tribute. Thank you, Ma'am.
BTW, feel free to point other cl00less n00bs here as needed :)

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