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Song Parodies -> "I've HIV and AIDS? 'Thanks', Ma'am!"

Original Song Title:

"I'm Henry The Eighth, I Am"

Original Performer:

Herman's Hermits

Parody Song Title:

"I've HIV and AIDS? 'Thanks', Ma'am!"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

Another Pubic Service Announcement, this time from someone who didn't heed the advice in the first one.

*** Absolutely *no* disrespect intended if you, or someone you care about, has any of these. ***

I've HIV and AIDS? "Thanks", Ma'am!
Ev'ry STD, I have? Oh, d*mn!
I once hooked up with the hottie next door
Turns out she's the city's fave'rite wh*re
And every guy had no liner-y (Line it, see?)
She wouldn't use a condom or a dam (Bare, ram!)
I've an ache, an itch, and painful pee
Jam it in, and in a jam!

(Second curse, worse than the first)

I've venery-infect? What cr*p!
Gonorrhea; syph' (Applaud? Just "clap")
Gap, entrapping chap; I'm lapping wrong lap
Shoulda' checked her with a smear of Pap
And Papilloma? She's plenary (Plenty, she!)
Got herpes, candidiasis, and crabs (and scabs!)   [1]
I have eight sores, each one chancre-y
Every disease: one tap!

[Interlewd: howling and screaming in agony while trying to urinate]

I swallow Flagyl™ by the gram   [2]
"Flagyl-ating" self, I am, I am!
Saw yam; oughta' scram instead of "Wham-bam"
F*****g: Flunking ev'ry lab exam
I should have stud-ied instead of "crammed" (scanned her gland)
I thought I scored Grand Slam, but got slammed (and scammed!)
Got Chlamy-di-a from rotten "clam"
Thanks for rank crank, skank Madame!

Oy, vay! STD!
Lechery (fetching, she)
Treachery (retching: me)
Knew I shoulda' stuck to lamb!

[1] "Candidiasis", more commonly referred to as a "yeast infection" (it is) -- might look as though it would be pronounced "Can-diddy-Aces", but it's "kan-di-*DAHY*-uh-sis". (Smile! You're on Candid-iasis Camera!) ... and can infect males, too, who can reinfect their then-cured partner.

[2] "Flagyl" -- US trade name for metronidazole, an antibiotic often used to treat trichomoniasis. Although both men and women are susceptible to this infection, it is believed that more than half of all male patients will naturally expel the parasite within 14 days (gee, I wonder how? ;), while in women it will persist unless treated. (Sexist disease!)

Flagyl ® Pfizer Inc. All else © 2012 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 7

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   7

User Comments

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Patrick - October 04, 2012 - Report this comment
No man is an island, and you really have to watch out for your peninsula.
Phil Alexander - October 04, 2012 - Report this comment
:-D Lots of super ideas, especially liked "flagyl-ated"
MasonR - October 04, 2012 - Report this comment
Awesome. I hope it goes viral!
Meriadoc - October 04, 2012 - Report this comment
I don't think you left a single diseased stone unturned...

Especially liked 'chancre-y' and the chlamy clam. And of course, landing the last on the lamb wasn't lame either.
Andy Primus - October 04, 2012 - Report this comment
Yeah, you should have stuck with the lamb - you'd only have had syph to deal with.
Could have been worse - you could have got scabies as well (or is that what you meant by scabs?)
LOL at "Jam it in, and in a jam!"
At least they no longer use that metal umbrella type thing.
Tommy Turtle - October 04, 2012 - Report this comment
Patrick: ... and also for those "new Keys". Thanks for v/c.

Phil Alexander: Thanks for picking out one of the author's own faves! (GMTA -- Gutter-Minds Think Alike)

MasonR: ROFLMAO!!! Back atcha with "awesome" (comment), and long time, no see -- nice to see you again!

Meriadoc: Also a couple of TT's faves -- see acronym @ Phil A. ... and maybe if I hadn't been stoned, I'd not have gotten diseased? ;) Thanks for the v/c!

Andy Primus: "Scabies" would have been good, too, though was just referring to scabs and sores from these various diseases. Nice idea.
No worries about syph here -- I do only virgin lamb.
Glad you liked that little reversal-line. Readers are picking all the writer's faves today! Thanks for v/c.
Peregrin Presley - October 05, 2012 - Report this comment
This parody is a hunka hunka burnin' love, TT
Tommy Turtle - October 05, 2012 - Report this comment
Peregrin Presley: So *that's* what The Pelvis was singing about? All this time, I thought he just had a hormonal problem (namely, too much of one in particular ;). Also explains his fever of 109F -- which should be fatal. Guess it was a met-a-wh*re. Thanks for explaining!

Seriously: Hilarious comment, and nice wordplay on EP's tune to describe the sufferings herein. :)
Perry Neal, MD - October 05, 2012 - Report this comment
I chank' you kindly, sir—'twas dripping with delight...such wondrous wordplay on display here TT! Loved the holesome way you managed to smear your perfectly parsed pap over the entire STD spectrum. [*Que heavy clapping]
Tommy Turtle - October 06, 2012 - Report this comment
Dr. Neal: 'Taint no minor compliment there, but the scribe scrote it with all rectumtude! ... and of course you meant "STD Speculum". Thanks for all the clap! -- and you are most definitely listed in my Preferred Paroder Network!
Lifeliver - October 07, 2012 - Report this comment
A festival of festering, festooned with characteristic intensity of wordplay and pathological pathos. My fave was chancr-y too, among others. Makes me proud to pronounce 'Haven't been there, haven't done that'. Of course, you don't have to believe me.
Mark S. Well-Be - October 08, 2012 - Report this comment
Cleverness abounds (among other things, it seems.) Favorite lines: 8 and 24.

Ewe shoulda known better... ;)
Tommy Turtle - October 08, 2012 - Report this comment
Lifeliver: Not only do I not have to believe you, I don't really have to know -- or want to, lol. ;)
Thanks for the fabulous, flowery flourish of patter-y praise! ... and with all the positive comments on that one sub, I see a spin-off coming: "Take A Chancr'-y Me". ;-D
(that whirling sound you hear is ABBA spinning in their graves - prematurely.)

Mark S. Well-Be: (LOL @ the parenthetical) That's strange; I don't remember seeing you treat any of these diseases on your TV show. ;)
Re: final comment: Didn't The Beatles already do that one -- "I Should Have Known Better: Do Not Girl, But Ewe"?
    Does line count #24 include the line in between first and second verse, and the interlude line? xD   Presuming that it does not, that was one of the author's faves, too. Thanks for citing it and for v/c!
Glen S - October 31, 2012 - Report this comment
Fun, or as fun as STDs can be. And very catchy. Always very clever, TT. You're HIV positive (Hilarious, intelligent verses)
Tommy Turtle - November 01, 2012 - Report this comment
I am SO glad you clarified that last sentence, Glen! ;-D
LOL @ "catchy". Thanks for the read and comment!

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