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Song Parodies -> "I Only Want To Pee, Not Pooh (The *LAST* Gender-Based Difference)"

Original Song Title:

"I Only Want To Be With You"

Original Performer:

Dusty Springfield

Parody Song Title:

"I Only Want To Pee, Not Pooh (The *LAST* Gender-Based Difference)"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

The author agrees fully that women should have all of the rights granted by the Constitution to men. But all the legislation in the world can't change one basic advantage that men have.... OS video here.

You've no idea how badly I have got to go
There's not another "rest stop" for an hour, or so
For males, that is one thing: dealt, eas-i-ly
We pull to side of road and find the nearest tree
Just somewhere out of view
I only want to pee, not pooh

So full a bladder; shouldn'a had that coffee brew
My honey, don't you feel the urge to spray it, too?
In bushes, relievin'; men feel such bliss [1]
Wherever you go, I can find a place to pi**
I'm sorry, but it's true:
It's easier for me than you

"Next stop: much miles", oh, me!
Just about to wet my pants
Forests, groves, vacant land, or farms:
All fine places: manly stance

It glistens, Honey!

I don't mean to be deridin' *you*, I swear
But never suffer: stickers in my underwear
'Cause you do it squattin'; drop pants to knee
You really must admit: here's where you envy me
A zipper down; I'm through
As long as "number one", not "two"

[Interlude -- ahhhhhhhhh! (sound of "stream" on rock)]

Uh oh, must stop; your turn: excrete
Only place around I see:
Slime, smell, filth, dirty toilet seat
A gas station called "BP"

It's smeary, Honey!

I so like when we go ridin' everywhere
Whenever pressure nether, Honey, I don't care
You must realize one thing: no "equal rights"
I always have in sight, a "restroom"; lots of sites
Though you say when we scr*w,
I pee whenever I want to!

You try: you spatter; much splattering, "pee"-eew!
It's difficult for "she" to do!

[1] Indeed, the quickest way for men to feel relief is to find the nearest bush.

© 2010 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.7
How Funny: 4.8
Overall Rating: 4.8

Total Votes: 12

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   11

User Comments

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Jonathan S. - June 29, 2010 - Report this comment
You want to hear something funny? At first, I wasn't fully paying attention and read the first two verses of your parody to the tune of the Hootie and the Blowfish song -- and they actually scanned quite well! LOL!
But, anyway, Next rest stop: 555 miles
Guy - June 29, 2010 - Report this comment
"You're in" for some fives with this one, TT. I like how you slammed the fueling station by identifying it as a BP station. Apparently they spill more than just oil. "we've got bush - we've got bush". Nerdacious.
Mick T. Rayshun - June 29, 2010 - Report this comment
Flows beautifully with a wonderful arc--truly flush with a sparkling n' occasionally bubbly effervescence that bowled me over--then left me drained!

Oh yeah--and your parody was great too! ;)
Old Man Ribber - June 29, 2010 - Report this comment
Dammit, Tommy! Stop making me laugh so hard! I've gotta go the the bathroom but can't stop reading this! ;D
Christie Marie M - June 29, 2010 - Report this comment
I'm with OMR on his last comment! LOL! Now that's toilet humor written by a professional! Relieving with 5's! I also echo all comments above!
John Barry - June 29, 2010 - Report this comment
I only want to see a loo! This is a loo-loo.
Fiddlegirl - June 29, 2010 - Report this comment
"I think that I shall never see/ A female peeing on a tree..." ;) 555
Mark Scotti - June 29, 2010 - Report this comment
This leaks harder, funnier and faster than BP!!!
< ~ ~ ~ > - June 29, 2010 - Report this comment
! ! !
Andy P - June 29, 2010 - Report this comment
Probably the funniest one I've seen from you - suits my warped sense of humour.
Fave lines = 'Cause you do it squattin'; drop pants to knee
Whenever pressure nether, Honey, I don't care
Mark Scotti - June 29, 2010 - Report this comment
Hey TT, I just realized, isn't your footnote(1), the policy of the current administration when under pressure?
WarrenB - June 29, 2010 - Report this comment
What is with you and organs?!!! Very funny, TT. Were you and Guy in cahoots today?Let's cover some more organs tomorrow. Let's see we have skin, the heart, the brain, lungs, etc....It's like AIM is the funny version of the Discovery Channel.
BTW, fullfilled a promise to write something to a well known tune that I am CERTAIN you know. Check out yesterday's submissions.
Tommy Turtle - June 29, 2010 - Report this comment
Jonathan S: Wow, that sure is funny, to know that you read my songs without paying attention to them! Thanks for sharing that! (j/k - serious thanks for v/c.) ... and, uh, I have no idea what H & BF song you're referring to, as I DK any of them. Am aware of the existence of a band by that name (generation gap...) Glad it still scanned for you -- so, are you accusing HBF of plagiarizing Dusty's tune? :-)

Guy: Was going to work more on that, something like "B Pee", but decided, naah, enough is enough -- thanks for v/c. ... re: that email you mentioned last week: never did get it. Might have tripped some filter -- you know that with all the spam-and-scam going around, the providers keep tightening up. If it's still pertinent, give me a day or two to fiddle with the filters, then try again.

Mick T. Rayshun: "Your-o-logical" analysis (and nick, LOL) was a penistrating tract of 'punis"-im. Your (sample) cup runneth over! Thanks! :D

Old Man Ribber: We're all breathlessly awaiting the outcome (so to speak) -- did you make it in time? ... Meets the criterion of the old saying, "I laughed so hard, I wet my pants!" ... thanks for v/c. A lot Depends™ on your answer!

Christie Marie M: A fine title: "Professional toilet humor writer" - looks great on the 'ol resume! ... seriously, appreciate the kind words and vote.

John Barry: But the point was that men don't *need* to see a loo! ;) .. good follow-up idea from the feminine POV (or from Larry Craig's, LOL), but don't think I'll do it -- feel free. Thanks for v/c.

Joyce Kilmer:

I think that I shall never see
A comment lovely as from thee
As TT's silly song is blessed:
Words, literary, from the best
A fan who looks at all I say
(But sometimes, she must think, "Oy vay!")

For she does gaily, bummer, bear
The best that's lobbed in; read rest: dare
By he who does 'em; ewe, has lain
(and sometimes seems a "little" vain)
Pooh is writ by fool TT
But I thank God for fan: FG

Mark Scotti: Yeah, it's a Big Pee, all right! Thanks! ... and, uh, hadn't really meant the f/n that way, but there's nothing like a scapegoat, whether an oil co. or former POTUS, eh? Clever!

< ~ ~ ~ > : :) :) :)

Andy P: TT's funniest? ... individual taste, I guess, but so long as you liked it. (and *my* tastes are "a bit" warped, too, of course!) Thanks for v/c.

WarrenB: Say wha? ... have never writen about pancreas, liver (unlike GdR, LOL), spleen (lots of it), etc. -- ya lost me there. ... No, no collab with Guy; haven't read his parody (nor any others of today's yet; it's 11 pm and I haven't had dinner yet), but if there's a coincidence, that makes two, what with he and I both returning from hiatus to the site on the same day last week. ... and there you go again with "AIM", LOL! Thanks for v/c.
          Wow, I'm batting 1.000 today: Two songs posted, and two "you gotta read this one" comments about posts on some other day.. I *will* read yours - eventually -- but please see comment @ Mark Scotti's PR Agent @ my other post today. Maybe an e-mail heads-up before the fact would work better.
          To add to the sob story in said comment, I also had some unexpected (unscheduled) major dental work done on Monday; was in a good deal of pain, and then on prescription pain med. Still alternating between pain and loopiness from the med. If you'd like it to be properly appreciated, might best give me another day or two. As said to MSPRA, good thing all my songs for this week were finished before the weekend ended. .. and you're right, I do happen to K that OS. It's a fun one to do, no? ;)
Ann Hammond - June 29, 2010 - Report this comment
he he he
WarrenB - June 29, 2010 - Report this comment
@TT- Mostly reproductve and evacuative. As a member in fictional standing of the United Professionals for Organ Opiners and Poets, I would like to suggest you promote equal time to the lesser parodied organs (i.e. spleen, stomach, etc).
As to the Springfield classic, I can see why you enjoy its easygoing structure. I may need to give it a whirl again.
Tommy Turtle - June 30, 2010 - Report this comment
Ann Hammond: "I love how Ann Hammond peas!" (from tribuTTe to you, "Annie Hammond Peas").
Finally became appropriate, eh? ;-) Thanks for v/he!

WarrenB: But those are the most interesting -- and tthe funniest! And the most fertile source for humor -- ouch!! -"fertile" -- OK, had that one coming. (Rim shot on rim of turtle's shell.)
          OS *is* a bright and bouncy tune, isn't it? ... More-than-you-wanted-to-know Dept.: TT noticed one day, that its main verses' main lines are in classical Shakespearean iambic pentameter, plus one stressed syl at the end. Which made it a natural (for the unnatural TT, at least) to start doing Shakespeare, then other classics, to TOS. ... besides, ever since hearing TOS as a (*very young coughcough) child, it's always made me happy. Dusty had an unhappy life; hope it made her happy to sing it. Enjoy!



Spleen, spleen, cut: out, you bled .... (naah, just doesn't have the same appeal.)
2Eagle - June 30, 2010 - Report this comment
Did you happen to see an episode of The Simpsons where Barney was a designated driver? Homer's car ended up in new York and Homer stood by his car waiting for a cop to take the brake off his tire. Then he had to use the toilet. He rode up to the top floor in one of the twin towers and found the toilet out of order. He had to go to the other tower, ride to the top and use the toilet there. That was when the cop came back and ticketed his car again.
Tommy Turtle - June 30, 2010 - Report this comment
2Eagle: I've never seen an episode of the Simpsons.
(I know, that makes me culturally deprived, knowing only insignificant authors like Shakespeare and Dante :-)

I've been to the Twin Towers. IIRC, there was a restroom in the lobby.... ? ? ? Thanks for v/c.

btw, no plug, no link, no obligation, but I did another Dusty last week, with a zany title switch. Hoped you'd see it, but if you did and were ignoring it, that's cool, too. No response required -- just our common interest in the poor girl and her happy songs.
Andy P - June 30, 2010 - Report this comment
From Mark's parody:

"Per Andy P., looked it up in Urban Dictionary. "Bacon" didn't have any lewd meanings, although "Makin' bacon" is a golden oldie, so I guess that's the ref."

It's "bacon sandwich" that you need to look up in the UD. Think of a sandwich (2 slices of bread - In a deli in NYC, I noted that their sarnies were on 1 slice rather than in 2 slices), with a double layer of bacon that's protruding from the bread. Stand the sandwich on its end & view from side on. They're very tasty!
Andy P - June 30, 2010 - Report this comment
"TT's funniest? ... individual taste, I guess, but so long as you liked it."

I could read 100 parodies about the oil leak/Tiger Woods/most real life events etc, each with loads of individual funny/clever lines, but they wouldn't be as entertaining as this kind of parody (where the whole concept is funny, as well as individual lines) - hope that makes sense.
Tommy Turtle - June 30, 2010 - Report this comment
Andy P. ... Ohh.... sorry, had never heard that meaning of "bacon sandwich". Not that there aren't enough euphemisms already. Not picturing an exact visual match to the real thing, but thanks for explaining.

"Taco" is a frequent visual metaphor, and TT turned that into "Tuna Taco". No obligation, no pressure, no offense if not visited, but if interested, it's

I *do* understand your point -- taking a serious subject and parodying it, versus taking an off-the-wall concept in the first place, and making it even zanier. Done that a couple hundred times, too. (No room to plug them all, but you konw where to find my catalog if you want to browse.)

And there'll be another example of that wacky-concept thing tomorrow (Thursday, US time) .Thanks for stopping back by.
NEW LINK TO OS VIDEO - March 23, 2011 - Report this comment

Old one was taken down for copyvio.

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