Anyone who smelled a fart
Could look at you
And know that you cut it
Anyone so badly steamed
By such poo - poo
Would know that your butt, it
Silently slid it --
-- Through!

Anyone who smelled a fart
Would take hands,
Hold his nose, and
Go "Pee-eww!"
You --
-- Couldn't really have a heart
And pass gas
So en masse, ass, and say, so untrue:
"What deed did I do?"

Wait until it goes away
I always say
No more baked bean pie, dear
Loving you the way I do
I tremble back
One more and I die, dear
Cannot abide, fear --
-- So:

If you let your cheeks apart
And make me
Smell your "charms" and
Inhale, too
You --
-- Prob'ly oughtta' just depart
Don't "spurt" me
Just desert me and head to Peru
Or to Timbuktu

[interlude of various musical toots]

Knowing I love you so --
Why such gas so rank and tart?
Earthquake-ly
Like napalm bomb
Buzz me, too
You --
-- Couldn't know what you impart
Alert me!
Disconcerts me: this Brie that you brew

Anyone who had a heart would use some glue!
Anyone who had a heart would not be breaking --
-- Five-alarms and
Just think of me
Get... a clue! (ewww!)

OMG! Another fart just came from you, (ehhh!)
I think this one's off the chart, and record-making
Surely breaking
The *best* from me
Why .... did you? (bleah!)

(Please fade, and *stop repeating*!)


---------------------------------------


OS
Burt Bacharach -- lyrics
Hal David -- score

Anyone who ever loved
Could look at me
And know that I love you
Anyone who ever dreamed
Could look at me
And know I dream of you
Knowing I love you --
-- So!

Anyone who had a heart
Would take me
In his arms and
Love me, too
You --
-- Couldn't really have a heart
And hurt me,
Like you hurt me and be so untrue
What am I to do?

Every time you go away,
I always say
This time it's goodbye, dear
Loving you the way I do
I take you back,
Without you I'd die, dear
Knowing I love you --
-- So!

Anyone who had a heart
Would take me
In his arms and
Love me, too
You --
-- Couldn't really have a heart
And hurt me,
Like you hurt me and be so untrue
What am I to do?

[interlude, mostly saxophone]

Knowing I love you so --
Anyone who had a heart
Would take me
In his arms and
Love me, too
You --
-- Couldn't really have a heart
And hurt me,
Like you hurt me and be so untrue

Anyone who had a heart would love me too
Anyone who had a heart would surely take me
In his arms and
Always love me
Why... won't you? (yeah)

Anyone who had a heart would love me too, (yeah)
Anyone who had a heart would surely take me
In his arms and
Always love me
Why... won't you? (yeah)
(repeat and fade)