In the drool from my wheezin',
When nasal mist is cakin' into boogies,
I hock one up and seek out a place
To discreetly drop the loogies.
Burst from my nose,
Some matter that's greenish-white,
And then it plops on top of cop's flashlight.
Lumps pump out nasally
When I'm spumy like a raging flume.

The cop's flashlight is messy;
He presses me, asks if I've been a-drinkin'.
Impels the hellish beam into my eyes;
It's very bright, I can't keep from a-blinkin'.
I look confused, and so he tells me to stand
On one foot while moving my hand
To my nose that's spumy;
And say alphabet backwards, starting with "U."

[overblown sax solo, with sputum blasting from the bell]

Try as I may, I just can't stop myself
From nasally a-sprayin'.
This time it's yellow, and it departs
Like a broken water ma-in.
And his blue coat's covered with my vaulted stream.
Now I must host a vaunted legal team.
Lawyers say, "You'll pay me through the nose
So the cop won't sue you."

"Sue me?!"

"You gave him fright.
Spumy
You were that night.
Rheumy
Now is his plight.
Gloomy--
His head's not right.
Loony--
He needs a pysch. . . .