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Song Parodies -> "Schmoozing Ewe"

Original Song Title:

"Losing You"

Original Performer:

Brenda Lee

Parody Song Title:

"Schmoozing Ewe"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

No politics or geek stuff today -- TGIF!!! ;) ... Since TJC has been pushing the TT-sheep connection so much this past week or two, might as well put the torch to one of the greatest torch-songs ever ...

My girl won't lie with me
A twirl: deny to me
So, hurl "Goodbye" from me
I'm leaving you
Found something new

Love pangs are strong for me
This thing: it longs for thee
Night: bare her thong? Not she!
No fuzz? I'm schmoozing ewe!

Don't need ... no K-Y lotion™
Lan-o- -lin: lamb's love potion   [1]
Wedding day: "took" my bride   [2]
Things began to change
Now, I get "strange"   [3]
From "babe" in manger!

Some "hon"! -- A scolding shrew!
Baring her "lips"? Won't do!
I get no beave; balls blue
So I am floozing ewe!

No love? A dour "cool" night
Now steeped in just some Woolite™
Went one day, brain half-fried
To the ranching range
With ewe, I came. Effect? Life-changer!

Won't unzip fly, 'spite plea
Needs, locked-out guy: "new key"
My chrome's: X-Y make me --   [4]
-- Go find lamb; oozing: ewe

[interlewed: Coda da ranch]

No cleave? I leave! Grieve, you
'Cause I am schmoozing ewe

[1] Would not stoop to reusing line "Lamb's lanolin lubes lecher's larks", from this writer's "American Pie" parody, "A Shepherd Am I".

[2] "Took" in both senses ... naah, everybody gets it.

[3] Some Gyno-Americans ("Ladies") may have to ask the menfolk about the second meaning of "strange". :-D


[4] (Greatly simplified, and no condescension intended toward the cognoscenti) Human females have two gender-determining chromosomes, both X's (XX) Males have an X and a Y chromosome, which is what makes them male; hence, this line.

Since one can't pass on what one doesn't have, women can pass only X chromosomes, so in fact, it is the father's "contribution" that determines the gender of the baby. King Henry VIII, and all other males who have their wives executed (or whatever) for "failing" to bear sons, should "blame" themselves.

A study a while back showed that if the female climaxed shortly before, simultaneously with, or very quickly after the male, the chance of a male child was significantly increased. The cause was apparently that changes in the pH (acidity level) of the cervicovaginal canal accompanying climax favored Y-bearing sperm over X-carriers. Females who rarely climax, or do so much later than the male, were found to be more likely to bear girls. (A later study, attempting to correlate female climax with likelihood of pregnancy, has been widely disputed.)

So if you see some guy with six daughters and no sons, you can smirk smugly at him, his wife, or both -- assuming that *you* have the right to. :-D ... Which makes King Hal and the Anglican split from the Roman Catholic Church all a result of his ineptness, his premature congratulation, or the strict morality imposed on women. ... This study result got dropped very quickly, due to the obvious judgmental implications, as did another that showed that migraine headaches could be prevented by .. .but that's a topic for another parody, *maybe*. ;)

TT might, or might not, have something more to say on this acidity business, if the parodic ideas pending should come to "fruition", so to speak. ... Alright, alright, I lied about "no geek stuff". But hey, TT can't help it - his *genetics* made him the strange creature that he is.... ;-D

K-Y ® McNeil-PPC, Inc.. Woolite ® Reckitt Benckiser. All else © 2011 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.4
How Funny: 4.4
Overall Rating: 4.4

Total Votes: 8

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   0
 3   0
 4   1
 5   6

User Comments

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Old Man Ribber - February 11, 2011 - Report this comment
TT - A pleasure to see you're baaaa-ck to the old gold standard. When it comes to sheep thrills, you are indeed Sheb (or Monty) "Wool(e)y"! ;D
TJC - February 11, 2011 - Report this comment
We are ewe'nanimously agree, ewer wild n' wooley, 'killer' pastoral parody is packed c(h)ock full of ewethen'geisha, sheer ewe'phonia and ewe'pha(j)isms galore! Party on Garth!
Mark Scotti - February 11, 2011 - Report this comment
Ewe csn be sooo baaaaaadddd....LOL 555 wooly pullies!!!
Ewe disturb me... - February 11, 2011 - Report this comment
ewe really dewe... ;) Shear-ly delightful
Tommy Turtle - February 11, 2011 - Report this comment
Old Man Ribber: DK those two individuals, but thanks for the v/c!

TJC: LOL, @ world-class wordsmithery as ewesewal, but is "ewethen'geisha" what ewe really wish for the turtle? Hope not! ... "ewe'pha(j)isms" - another one of which to start counting the lay-ers. (How do I love T(JC)? Let me count the layers... )

Mark Scotti: LOL^2 @ Sham-wow Sam (& The Pharaohs -- topical ref to Egypt? Wow!) comment, and ewe've been missed this week! Drowning your sorrow for the Jets, or trying to take that 17-yr-old away from the "other" Mark S? Either way, thanks, and nice tewe see ewe again!

          (anyone who hasn't heard: NY Jets star Mark Sanchez reportedly dating a 17-yr-old girl, which is apparently the legla age of consent in NY)

Ewe disturb me: I disturb me, too ... but so long as ewer disturbance is delightful, thanks! ... Now, about that "sheer" ... n/m. Just "thanks"!

Ewenabomber: Thanks for the compliments! (and the page vewes!)
"Legla"? - February 11, 2011 - Report this comment
Musta' had "legs" on the mind! (@#$% flippers!)
Old Man Ribber - February 11, 2011 - Report this comment
TT - Sheb Wooley = Singer (Purple People Eater), Actor (Rawhide, Hoosiers, etc.) and Parodist (under the name of Ben Colder). Monty Wooley = Actor (The Bishop's Wife), Bon Vivant, and alleged romantic partner of Cole Porter. ;D
Tommy Turtle - February 11, 2011 - Report this comment
Old Man Ribber, thanks for helping to mitigate the cultural ignorance of this unenlightened one. ;-D
Christie Marie M - February 11, 2011 - Report this comment
Ewes are in heat once again! Let me ask you this, does March come out like a lion into a lamb? Oh, wait, sorry my bad...still February. LOL!! Ewe rock, Turtle!
Tommy Turtle - February 12, 2011 - Report this comment
Christie Marie M: I think the lion would *eat* the lamb, but ... naah, better not go there. ;-D ... I know *one* 'March* who is *always* a sweet lamb, and I ain't lion! Thanks for the v/c!!!
Andy Primus - February 13, 2011 - Report this comment
All the sheep jokes have already been used for this t-ewe-n, so I'll just say that you're quite the baah-d
William Sheepspearer @ Andy Primus - February 14, 2011 - Report this comment
A sheep! A sheep! My thinglongs for a sheep!
Ewe-me, or not ewe-me, that is the question.

A prize to wanton boys are ewes to our rods;
They're willing to cavort.

(thank thee, Sire)
Wendy Christopher - February 14, 2011 - Report this comment
I never knew there was so much I didn't know about ewes ;^) (I also had to laugh at the escurity code I had to enter for this comment - no word of a lie, it was SEX!)
Tommy Turtle - February 14, 2011 - Report this comment
Wendy Christopher: They're a special niche on this site, done by a number of writers. It was summarized -- and here, I'm going to plug *another writer*, not moi -- are you OK? Need a glass of water? ;) , TJC's immortal plaint, "The Pluncer Of Ewes" (by us writers).

btw, since he wrote that, this writer's total is now more like 15-20.).

Thanks for v/c, and LOL @ security code -- what are the odds?! (One in 46,656, says the sheep-loving math geek.) Cheers!
Can caclulate odds; just can't type - February 14, 2011 - Report this comment
"Plunder" of ewes. (Have *you* ever tried to type with flippers instead of hands? ;)
Security Code @ Wendy Christopher - February 14, 2011 - Report this comment
Someone is messing with the code generator -- I just signed a reply to another of my songs, and got "LAY".

OK, *now* what are the odds?!

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