How many rows of juniper chop down
Before a man crawls on hands?
Er, eh. . .how many seas of grain must be flailed
Before it's distilled in a tank?
Er, eh. . .how many times must a man in thrall bibe
Before he forgets and sets banns?
These plants there, my friend, are growin' for the gin,
These plants there, my friend, are growin' for the gin.

How many times must a man drink up
Before he can get real high?
Er, eh. . .how many beers must one man have
Before in those beers he can cry?
Er, eh. . .how many breathalyzers will he blow
Before he gets a DUI?
He's slammed in the pen for going for the gin,
He's slammed there for going for the gin.

How drunk is he? In the fountain he pissed;
It washes down yellow and rank.
Er, eh. . . how many fellow cellmates has he kissed?
It gets lonely in the drunk tank.
Er, eh. . .how many chances has this man to wed
Before fiancée's slate goes blank?
"The banns, sir are dead, so go and pour your gin!
You cad, sir. . .throw me over for gin?!"