I had a friend, he sat at home
Just surfing on his home computer
He didn't date, he didn't phone
I could've sworn he had been neutered
Ooh, "You need someone to cling to"
Ooh, "That computer won't bring you"
"Someone that might be a good wife"

He didn't laugh, he didn't cry
He knew I'd touched upon a sure bet
He cleaned his specs, he told me sex
Was something that he hadn't tried yet
Ooh, I said "Off of your fat ass
Ooh, Take a music or art class
Meet some girls or just admit you're gay"

"Got to get you into a life!"

"What can you do, where can you be
Where you can overcome this shyness
Go get a clue, you must believe
That you have just a little guy-ness"
Ooh, Then he went and he met her
Ooh, Told himself he could get her
Went and got himself someone's wife

"Got to get you into a life!"

I had a friend he was alone
I went and made him have desire
That's what I get, my good advice
And now he's getting into fire
He's having his hot fun
There's the spouse with a shotgun
There's the end of his life

(Blasting horns drowning out ruckus)