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Song Parodies -> "Everything Is Ranged"

Original Song Title:

"Everything Has Changed"

Original Performer:

Taylor Swift ft. Ed Sheeran

Parody Song Title:

"Everything Is Ranged"

Parody Written by:

the_conqueror_of_parodies

The Lyrics

Just because D&D separates weapons into "melee" and "ranged" doesn't mean that that's set in stone.
I'm not screwed although it may look so
Because my quiver's out, it's run right out
Of arrows, that blows
But I don't need some puny sticks, you know
I'll let fly whatever I can find
That's not tied down all tight, enemies still die

I'm happy to throw whatever, throw whatever, throw whatever now
I'm happy to throw whatever, throw whatever, throw whatever now
I'm happy to throw whatever, throw whatever, throw whatever now
I'm happy to throw, dude, throw, dude, throw, dude

A grip to hold and the strength to haul
Is all one needs, so just watch me throw, bro
From poles to a length of chain
Everything is ranged
All my foes expect plain arrows
Suddenly a chair? Big no, so
I'll throw all you can name
'Cause everything is ranged

I'll toss some rocks, an old trick, it's true
But it knocks 'em down, knocks 'em down
And leaves 'em with an awful bruise
But if I feel that the element of surprise
Can buy us some time so I'm gonna let fly
Ev'ry type of boot I can find

I'm happy to throw whatever, throw whatever, throw whatever now
I'm happy to throw whatever, throw whatever, throw whatever now
I'm happy to throw whatever, throw whatever, throw whatever now
I'm happy to throw, dude, throw, dude, throw, dude

A lump of coal, a real stale bread roll (ooh-ooh-ooh)
I'll toss at anyone I oppose so (ooh-ooh-ooh)
They'll stop and then stare amazed (ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh)
Everything is ranged
Sure, arrows make a spiky blow (ooh-ooh-ooh)
But if I straight throw the bow, bro (ooh-ooh-ooh)
They'll halt and stay in place (ooh-ooh-ooh)
Shocked everything is ranged

My sword, my belt, my knife
Whatever's made of glass right at their eye (oh-oh-oh)
A chair, a branch, a die
Might make 'em choke, would be funny, I can't lie

I'm happy to throw whatever, throw whatever, throw whatever now
I'm happy to throw, dude, throw, dude, throw, dude

I'll improv throw if I think the blow (ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh)
Brings advantage and maybe hope, so (ooh-ooh-ooh)
Please don't throw off my good aim (ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh)
Everything is ranged
But it won't be if you're a dope (ooh-ooh-ooh)
And refuse to just let go, bro (ooh-ooh-ooh)
Hot joe will bring orcs pain (ooh-ooh-ooh)
'Cause everything is ranged
Garden hoe? Man, whatever's close (ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh)
Even chuck a smaller foe (ooh-ooh-ooh)
So please don't block off my aim (ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh)
Look, everything is ranged
That means your inconvenient face (ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh)
Will meet theirs at such a pace (ooh-ooh-ooh)
Dope, I hope you're on my page (ooh-ooh-ooh)
That everything is ranged

Of course, the inverse is just as true. Remember Pirates of the Caribbean? "We can still use 'em as clubs!"

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Total Votes: 1

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