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Song Parodies -> "Hopeless Coward"

Original Song Title:

"Lotus Flower"

Original Performer:


Parody Song Title:

"Hopeless Coward"

Parody Written by:


The Lyrics

The tale of a poor man scared of absolutely everything. Especially the stupid things. Because where's the funny in reading about legitimate fears like spiders or snakes or the inevitable robot apocalypse? Well, the last one could work, but that's not the point. Enjoy!
I never keep my clothes in a closet
Monsters in there, scared of them a-all
Scared of them a-a-all
Just the start of my numerous fea-ears
I'd list them, but numbered lists make me freeze u-up
Make me sieze u-u-u-up

Yes, I'm really scared of strawberry tarts
I can't risk that fruit
Will grow inside of me-e
I'm scared of seeds
I get panicky at post-modern a-art
All abstract and screwed
It really gets to me-e-e
Old art? No, please

Of fears, there's no dearth
Thus: hopeless coward
Just talking 'bout staples makes me feel real si-ick
I'm pantopho-obic
Scared of ev'rything
Even bunny rabbits
I'd mention stock standard fears like dea-eath
Standards freeze my hea-ea-eart

I twitch at the mere mention of ri-ice
Don't play vi-ideo games, Bowser's too mu-uch
Goombas, too mu-u-u-uch

Friends get my things from the grocery ma-a-art
I'm afraid that dudes
Will, when I freak at pea-eas
Look weird at me

Stay inside all day, but I'm claustrophobi-ic
Try the oppo-osite?

I'm so friggin' scared of shoe-oes

Scared of trees and dirt
Thus: hopeless coward
Yes, even butterflies can make me pani-ic
Makes me feel like a-a twit
So scared of Christmas wreaths
Ask why I don't panic
While Godzilla's wreakin' havoc, the-en?
Too focused on la-a-ard

"Dearth" means "a scarcity or lack of something" according to Google. And now I'm wishing I could've worked in hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia (the fear of long words), but it would've had to have been stretched over two lines. Oh well, perhaps another day...

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 4.8
Overall Rating: 4.8

Total Votes: 6

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   6

User Comments

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Agrimorfee - November 01, 2014 - Report this comment
(Artistry) Perfect topic to the original artist...seems like every third Radiohead song is about a fear of SOMETHING (particularly cars, if you follow the band catalog). Nice use of "-phobic" words and mix of silly things to fear.
Max Power - November 04, 2014 - Report this comment
That guy would make Monk look like Superman in comparison.
Blaydeman - November 04, 2014 - Report this comment
(Artistry) This was really good. Not only did you make the phobias silly, they were contrasting, which is hilarious! He can't stay inside because he's claustrophobic, but he can't go outside because he's agoraphobic. WHAT'S A MAN TO DO!?!?!? Lol, great job TCOP, very nice!
Matthias - November 04, 2014 - Report this comment
(Artistry): I really liked this laundry list of fears and I agree with Blaydeman on how that they're all weird and contradicting which makes it even better. This is a whole lot of fun but I can't stand this OS either. Radiohead isn't exactly one of my favorite bands.
Abbott Skelding - November 04, 2014 - Report this comment
I wrote a very similar parody of "Animal I Have Become" called "Panophobia"...and yours was much better. Very funny stuff, I would give you a round of applause, but that might set off a panic attack!

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