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Song Parodies -> "Arthur Conan Doyle vs. Richard Castle"

Original Song Title:

"Epic Rap Battles of History"

Original Performer:

Nice Peter & Epic Lloyd

Parody Song Title:

"Arthur Conan Doyle vs. Richard Castle"

Parody Written by:

Michael Pacholek

The Lyrics

The originals did Sherlock Holmes vs. Batman, and last week they did the other side of the law: Jack the Ripper vs. Hannibal Lecter, real killer vs. fictional killer. So I crossed the two, and came up with the most popular writer of crime fiction ever, and a fictional novelist who (within his world) actually has fought crime.
Epic Rap Battles of History!

Arthur Conan Doyle!


Richard Castle!


Tallyho, old chap!
This is Holmes' creator
and I'm going to be this
poseur's deflator!
I'm not just a legend:
I'm a man that's real
while you're just a bloke
who fills fangirls' appeal!
The whole world's known my stories
since Victorian times
while no one heard of you
before 2009!
I'm an actual physician
but it should be said
I've diagnosed you
as completely brain-dead!

Tell me, Artie, did you ever
solve an actual crime?
I sell more Nikki Heats in a year
than you sold Holmes in a lifetime!
I married my muse
before that, I dated strippers.
Scotland Yard coulda used your help
to catch Jack the Ripper!
Or maybe you weren’t good enough
to solve crimes for real
since you were wrapped up in trying
to prove fairies were real!
You were friends with Houdini
but he had to escape
'cause you're boring unlike the guy
with the hat, pipe and cape!

I created both Holmes
and dinosaur fiction
while your silly crime theories
create NYPD friction!
Yes, you married Kate Beckett
but ran away first.
Leaving her in the lurch?
Dawg, that’s really the worst!
You killed off Derrick Storm.
Boy, what was wrong with you?
I guess you were sick of him
being called a "Mary Sue!"
I'm the all-time titan.
Next to me, there's no other
while you're a middle-aged guy
who lives with his mother!

No, she lives with me.
It's something I can afford
while you're contacting dead relatives
with a crap Ouija board!
You cite me for killing Storm?
Artie, that's a bad call
after what you did to Holmes
at the Reichenbach Falls!
You got knighted by a fat
philandering King
while the Mayor of New York
lets me do my thing!
I’m ABC’s golden goose.
See my ratings unfurled.
While Cumberbatch’s update
proves you’re stuck in a Lost World!

Who won?
Who's next?
You decide!


("Castle" theme song)

Rap Battles of History!

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 2.9
How Funny: 3.0
Overall Rating: 2.9

Total Votes: 16

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   7
 2   1
 3   1
 4   0
 5   7

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Max Power - December 08, 2014 - Report this comment
Hey Michael, just wondering if you're going to do one for music critics. Knowing that you're a fan of Billy Joel, I was wondering how you felt when Rosenbaum wrote that Lupica-level article back in 2009 when he trashed Billy Joel. I would like to see your take on the awfulness of that article.

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