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Song Parodies -> "Epic Rap Battles of Personal History"

Original Song Title:

"Epic Rap Battles of History"

Original Performer:

Nice Peter & Epic Lloyd

Parody Song Title:

"Epic Rap Battles of Personal History"

Parody Written by:

Michael Pacholek

The Lyrics

I was hoping to be able to do my 2,000th parody on this site to commemorate my 50th birthday, but I fell a bit short. At any rate, remember when I had the character of Bernard, my evil twin? Well, this might be more interesting. They called me Crazy Mike back then, Uncle Mike now.
Epic Rap Battles of Personal History!

Michael Pacholek, Age 17!


Michael Pacholek, Age 50!

(Start Beat)

Yikes! I'm going to look like that
in a third of a century?
You stole my life.
You should be in the penitentiary!
I'm the ultra caporegime
of East Brunswick High School!
You're an acerbic arthritic
middle-aged fool!
I'm a real livewire
with pranks stored in my locker.
You spend half of your time
slipping off to the doctor!
You failed as a boyfriend
and you failed as a renter.
If I'd known I was going to turn into you
I'd have jumped off the World Trade Center!

(The record the beat was playing on comes to a scratching halt)

About that, young man. Bad reference.
I'm one of your elders
so show me some deference!
(Beat restarts)
It was useless compiling
all that trivia knowledge.
It's already set in stone:
You're going to Middlesex County College!
You dealt me a bad hand
but I gave it the finger.
I have the quality, you don't.
Just ask Arsène Wenger.
(Another scratching halt)

Huh? Who the hell is that?

You'll find out.
(Beat restarts)
You're still ignorant of the future.
You know what I mean?
I learned the truth
at seventeen.

My pop culture
is on a higher level.
I got Chris Reeve as Superman.
You've got hobo Henry Cavill.
I've got Billy and Bruce
REM and U2.
Your music's IN dire straits
and you know that it's true!
I'm so tough, I can walk through New York
without being a victim of crime.
You can barely walk at all
in your own time.
I'm a bike marathoner.
With half your steps, you stumble.
Don't you wish you were still me?
It's enough to make you cry, Uncle!

You want to talk music?
I got Beyonce and Halsey.
To overlook the Eighties' crap
you're pretty damn ballsy.
You think you're tough?
I've survived stuff
that would make you think my life
has been a film of snuff!
You thought you were popular
but your friends have moved on.
I know a few of them on Facebook.
The rest of them are gone.
And if there was a problem
yo, you caused it.
You don't like my life? Reconsider it.
Like a video game, pause it.

Video games? I play 'em.
In the arcade, I stand tall.
You're on your ninth skee:
Useless balls!
I'm the most popular kid in town.
You look like warmed-over death.
What happened to your teeth?
Have you been using meth?
I really hope becoming you
is not my fate.
You haven't grown an inch
but you doubled my weight.
I think you've gone senile.
Your mind is bad.
You're worse than Ronald Reagan.
The worst president we've ever had.

(Beat scratches)
(Beat restarts)
I survived Reagan and Governor Kean
and even Mayor Koch, man!
You're in the Eighties, but I've seen stranger things
and I'm still on the watch, man!
I'll admit my teeth look
more than a little sketchy.
It's your fault, from drinking
all those gallons of Pepsi!
I've got some Home News from the future
and you're going to thank me.
You just saw the Mets win the World Series.
I've seen five new ones from the Yankees!
You've never even reached
the Playoffs with the Devils.
I've seen them win three Stanley Cups
and give me plenty of revels.

And why should I believe you?
Is this the best you can get?
You couldn't possibly be happier
living your life on the Internet!
I got real interactions
from the E.B. princesses.
You're macking #YankeesTwitter chicks.
Talk about some excesses!
You got three nieces
but no children or wife.
You should've stuck with my style:
I'm havin' the time of my life!
So go write this down
in your Captain's Blog:
You're a loser, Uncle Muser.
You blew it, Dawg.

No, you're the one who blew it
and not just with your flow.
If I'd kept acting like you
I'd have been dead years ago.
You can keep your nostalgia.
I don't need any revivals.
You suffer with E.B. football.
I've seen them win two State Titles.
You think your time
was my life's summit?
You screwed things up so bad
but I've managed to overcome it!
You're like our dog Schatzie:
Your own tail you chased.
And like my hips soon will be
you've gotten replaced!

Who won?
Who's next?
You decide!

Epic... Rap Battles of Personal History!

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.3
How Funny: 4.3
Overall Rating: 4.3

Total Votes: 6

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   5

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

TJC - December 18, 2019 - Report this comment
You're sooo good at this format! Consistently awesome. Who won? YOU won!
Patrick - December 18, 2019 - Report this comment
Too soon old and too late wise. Outstanding biography in rhyme. In practice, as opposed to my parodies, a clone would be my younger self. Would he know all the missteps and mistakes I've made? I like the "I learned the truth at seventeen" reference. I knew a woman once who considered that one of the saddest songs she ever knew. Her school had suicide counselors. And that was in the 1960's. I never knew how old you were until now. I've got a few years on you. Be careful of cardiac issues. They can kill you. 50 is young, but you're still one of the "old timers" on AIR. Decided to look up your Facebook page. You are young. I watched the wedding of Tiny Tim and Miss Vickie on Johnny Carson's show. Outside of the Super Bowl, nothing gets that kind of ratings any more. We have so many more choices today, or at least those who have cable or Dish do. Including the all-night cutlery channel. Who ever knew anyone wanted to pay a monthly fee to be able to purchase a table full of Chinese pocket knives at 3:00 a.m.? My Facebook page is out there somewhere, but I don't know how to use a digital camera, so I can only post images someone else supplies. This is a worthy birthday gift to yourself, past or present.
Michael Pacholek - December 19, 2019 - Report this comment
I did see a cardiologist this year, Patrick. I was concerned, because the family ha a friend who had a heart attack and died while trying to carry things upstairs at age 49. Fortunately, they found no blockage. I had a chest X-ray, too. They found nothing. I'm not sick, I'm just out of shape. I'm on medications for blood pressure and cholesterol, but I saw the doctor this week, and he says they're working. Now, if I can just find an orthopedic surgeon who will take my insurance...

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