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Song Parodies -> "Joey Chestnut vs. Cookie Monster"

Original Song Title:

"Epic Rap Battles of History"

Original Performer:

Nice Peter & Epic Lloyd

Parody Song Title:

"Joey Chestnut vs. Cookie Monster"

Parody Written by:

Michael Pacholek

The Lyrics

Joseph Christian Chestnut -- yes, that's his real name -- is the 35-year-old competitive eater who has won multiple titles at Nathan's Hot Dogs' annual 4th of July contest at Coney Island, Brooklyn; and Philadelphia's Wing Bowl chicken-wing contest. But can he outrap Big Blue? Maybe: Adapting Cookie Monster's weird grammar for a rap battle wasn't easy. Considering my background as an original "Sesame Street" kid, I'm surprised that Cook is only the 3rd Muppet I've used, following Kermit and The Count.
Epic Rap Battles of History!

Joey Chestnut!


Cookie Monster!


Good bread!
Good meat!
Now I'm about to eat
this freak from Sesame Street!
You're a fictional character.
I'm the real deal.
I can tackle a meal
big enough to make you squeal!
I'm the King of Coney Island!
When I pursue a frankfurter
better call the FBI
'cause it'll be a mass murder!
I'm the only New York eater
that's truly super!
You couldn't beat me if you had the help
of the ghost of Mr. Hooper!

Kids, you better go off
to see Big Bird.
Cookie Monster 'bout to say
some very naughty words!
Me gonna roast this Chestnut
on rap of open fire!
You must be smoking dope to think
your calorie count higher!
For almost half century
me clean off plate
and unlike you
me never gain weight!
Me greatest f***in' Muppet
when it come to rappin'
while you just heart attack
waiting to happen!
Ha ha!

Is that the best you can do?
What a fumble!
Now, I'm gonna make this
Cookie Monster crumble!
Your grammar is atrocious
and your manners are rude
and your cousin won't eat cookies:
She thinks your d***'s a sometimes food!
I'm the Nabob of Nathan's
the Whizier of Wing Bowl
while you're just a blue furry
jelly roll!
Come out to the Boardwalk
on the 4th of July
You'll believe like the rest
and won't need onions to cry!

(Cookie Monster)
You from San Jose
but me know the way
to make you crash like aliens
on Independence Day!
Ain't no Sesame more Streeter
than Monster Cookie, M.C.
Even Mr. Snuffleupagus
give props to me!
Me got metabolism
to eat big and stay skinny
while you lose to girl
named Sonya Thomas, you ninny!
This Kobayashi Maru:
It no-win scenario!
That why ladies love Big C:
Me Big Blue Lothario!

Who won?
Who's next?
You decide!


OM nom nom nom nom!

Rap Battles of History!
I swear, I am not making this up: The first time I tried to send this parody, I was told, "You must have cookies enabled in order to leave a comment."

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.2
How Funny: 4.2
Overall Rating: 4.2

Total Votes: 9

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   0
 3   1
 4   1
 5   6

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Patrick - July 13, 2017 - Report this comment
So, you were an original Sesame Street kid. I was on a TV contest show in Kansas City, called "Categories". Nathan's French Fries and Onion Rings occasionally turn up in the frozen food section of some KC grocery stores. Haven't seen the hot dogs. That is one contest I guarantee I'd lose (after "losing it"). Nice to see one of the "old timers" still writing a rap or two. I hope I haven't "wrapped it up" for good. Just haven't had an inspiration lately. Keep up the series.

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