Epic Rap Battles of History!

Barney Miller!

vs....

Kate Beckett!

Begin!

(Barney)
Good morning, Detective.
I'm the boss
here to dish out
a rap battle loss.
Rap was invented
in New York in the Seventies.
So you'd better
drop your weapon and freeze!
I'm the Captain!
I'm cleaning up the streets
taking a bite out of crime
and making music in the sheets!
My men and I
are of a higher class.
So turn in your badge
and fear the 'stache!
'Cause we caught all the crooks
with our blue wall of staffing.
We kept criminals guessing
and our audience laughing!
We were powered by coffee
made hard by Nick.
We didn't have an espresso machine
from your boyfriend Rick!
No computers to help us
solve Disco Era crime:
We did it with shoe leather
paperwork and time!
So you and Castle better
get out of your jammies
and catch up on your work.
But you'll never match our Emmys!

(Kate, leaning in as if to interrogate)
Why'd they put up you against me?
I don't know.
You're the most boring character
on your own show.
That makes you the Seinfeld of cops:
Occasionally funny
but you'll never give me
a run for my money.
Your posse is wack.
Fish stinks from "the head."
Nobody believes half the s***
that Dietrich said!
It took Wojo five tries
to pass the sergeant's exam.
He's not the cop I want
to have my back in a jam!
No one can make
any sense of Nick's rambling.
He's got a betting problem.
But drink his coffee? Now THAT'S gambling!
Harris cares too much
about his book's release
and I think he'd be happier
on the Fashion Police!
I got Castle and Lanie
Esposito and Ryan.
We'll put a beatin' on you so bad
your grandchildren will be cryin'!
You may have been good cops
in the 20th Century
but you don't stand a chance
when you come in to step to me!

(Barney)
I don't have a problem
with a female detective
but I have one with your mike skills:
They're totally defective!
Your rhymes smell like vomit.
They have the consistency of a booger.
You're almost as boring
as Inspector Luger!
My show wasn't cancelled.
We ended of our own volition.
While yours jumped the shark
on half a dozen occasions!
Your last two seasons
were totally mishandled!
It got to the point where your own fans
were relieved that it was canceled!

(Kate)
But we ended on a high note:
Alive with "little Castle babies."
Your precinct was closed
with a real-estate deal that was shady!
On V-E Day
you got a rib tattoo.
I got one, but it's in a place
that you'll never view.
I actually caught killers
and put some in the ground.
The most dangerous guys your crew caught
were padded-cell-bound!
That's why they made me Captain
in the final season.
Now, excuse me, 'cause I'm off
for some Castle-pleasin'.

Who won?
Who's next?
You decide!

Epic...

(police siren)

Rap Battles of History!