Epic Rap Battles of History!

Bess Tudor!

vs....

Liz Windsor!

That's right:

Queen Elizabeth I!

vs….

Queen Elizabeth II!

Begin!

(First)
Bow down to the ginger
who survived the Tower!
Outside your household
you have no real power!
I’m a warrior Queen who takes
the world’s largest navy and wrecks it!
On your watch, half the f***ing
world made a Brexit!
In my reign, there was Shakespeare’s work.
All the world loves it!
Your reign was infested
with Beatles and Hobbits!
Your biggest accomplishment
Is not being dead.
That ends right now.
Off with your figurehead!
(makes slashing motion across her throat)

(Second)
You're stepping to me?
That was a big mistake!
This time, you’re not going to be
saved by Francis Drake!
You call yourself a warrior
but that’s a false braggin’.
I served in a motor pool
and now I’ll fix your wagon!
I have a line of succession.
You set up the Stuarts.
And your rhymes are sour.
They smell like a sewer.
Silmarillions, Scouse singers,
Mod clothes and Bond movies?
My reign is the one
that’s truly groovy!

(First)
This is a rap battle
So I won’t be subtle.
“Groovy?” Can I ask Princess
Diana for a rebuttal?
That Nosferatu gave you four kids
and they’re all messed up.
Why do you think they asked William
to hand out the FA Cup?
There’s a reason my time
is called “Elizabethan”:
I moved England forward!
Your Britain is retreatin’!
So go ride off to Windsor
you old windbag
‘cause you just got smoked
like those things we call “fags”!

(Second)
Your dad was a fat rapper
but like your sister, you’re getting bled.
Your rhymes are as sickly
as your brother Ed!
I'll admit, Philip's never
looked all that studly
but he's more of a man
than Essex and Dudley!
You tried to hide old age
in baggy robes and ruffled lace
But all that white makeup poisoned you.
You can’t save face!
At 90 years old
I've wrecked your bones!
You were never going to win
this game of thrones!

Who won?
Who’s next?
You decide!

Epic…

(royal fanfare)

Rap Battles of History!