Epic Rap Battles of History!

Stanley Matthews!
Bobby Moore!
And Steven Gerrard!

vs….

Michel Platini!
Zinedine Zidane!
And Thierry Henry!

That’s right:

Three Lions of England!

vs….

Les Bleus de France!

Begin!

(Moore)
I’m comin’ off the Twin Towers
of the original Wembley
to roast some French toast
in this football assembly!
I’m the Captain of England!
Football was our invention!

(Matthews)
And now, we’re coming down…

(Gerrard)
To fry up some Frenchmen!

(Matthews)
We've got the skills of foot and head.

(Gerrard)
And even those phallic!

(Moore)
Making like Saint George
on these dragons Gallic!

(Matthews)
It's evident

(Gerrard)
You've never been

(Moore)
Our footballing bretheren.

(Matthews)
We're better dribblers!

(Moore)
Better defenders!

(Gerrard)
Better shooters!

(All three)
Better men!

(Henry shrugs his shoulders)
This type of arrogance
is much to be expected.
With too much pride
your full English is infected.

(Zidane)
You Englishmen are sloppy
in podiatric and psych.
You lack control of yourselves
and the ball, and the mic.

(Platini)
While we use precise strikes
to blast through your hypocrisy!
We've got the better team
and the better democracy!

(Zidane)
We took over your league.
Now, don't take it personal.

(Platini)
We restored Man United and Chelsea.

(Henry)
And Arsenal.

(Matthews)
Oh, you shouldn't be talking
about control, Zinedine.
The first thing anyone knows about you
is you stuck your bloody head in!
I'm the Wizard of Dribble
better than you ever could.
I'm so dope, I even
made Stoke look good!

(Gerrard)
And you're a weenie, Platini.
A bureaucratic piece of crud!
I'm representing Liverpool
against your Cup of Blood!
You're a Nancy boy
who won by cheating at Juventus
but we're counter-attacking
and you just can't defend us!

(Moore)
And now that we've dispensed with those two
I'll move on to "Va Va Voom!"
Like the wrecking ball on Highbury
here comes the boom!
You're no leader like me
and in big games you just stammered!
Call me the East End Thor, Thierry
'cause you just got Hammered!

(Henry)
MC Hammer? Not in those short-shorts
that can't hide your deficiencies.
England's morally bankrupt
with terminal inconsistencies.
Don't you mock me, you dumb Cockney
I'm running up the score.
When I'm through with you
they'll call you Bobby Sore!

(Platini)
And I ran Serie A
and then controlled all of Europe
while your flows as are slow and gooey
as those of maple syrup!
Stevie G, you may look good
on a video clip
but you can shove your Istan-bulls***
but when you do, don't slip!

(Zidane)
And I don't mean to pick on an old man
but it's me against you, Stanley!
One trophy in 32 years
doesn't sound very manly!
You may have flown in the RAF
and have my thanks for fighting Nazis.
But I'm shooting you down
like your name was Materazzi!

(Matthews)
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't play
on Liverpool or Juve or Madrid
and win by paying off referees
like you and Stevie did!
But I beat Italy as a teenager
on a very rainy day
while you let them bait you and beat you
and threw the World Cup away!

(Gerrard)
Just a minute, Sir Stan!
You think I won with dirty tricks?
Well, call yourself a Scouse lass
'cause you can suck my dick!

(Moore)
Calm down, Stevie G!
Hotheadedness is a malady!
You'd fit right in
on the Los Angeles Galaxy!

(Gerrard)
You're no captain of mine
and you get no leeway!
So back off or I'll go off
on you like you were a deejay!

(Moore)
That's a Kop-out, Stevie!
I won the Julies Rimet!
Along the fields of Anfield Road
I'm gonna scatter your arse today!

(Platini)
Those pie-scarfing bastards
have turned on each other!

(Henry)
Maybe they should try
eating theirs with butter.

(Platini)
Oh, Titi
I don't mean no disrespect
but you need to make your line
of thinking more direct!

(Henry)
Oh, you don't want to step to me.
You can't stand next to me!
I'll cut you down like
a va-va-vasectomy!

(Zidane)
Yo! Take it easy, homies.
You know it's all good.
We are French, we're about freedom
equality and brotherhood!

(Platini)
You're giving me a lesson
in national priority?
Well, you and Cantona
can kiss my full French authority!

(Zidane)
Okay, I see.
You want to make it like that?
You're a full-blooded Italian
and an unethical rat!
I'm MC Double Zed
and I make it all look easy!
So all the world can begat
deez Champs-Elysses!

Who won?
Who's next?
You decide!

Epic...

(referee's whistle)

Rap Battles of History!