Epic Rap Battles of History!

Lucille Ball!

vs….

Mary Tyler Moore!

Begin!

(Lucy)
I may have red hair
but you’re the other kind of clown.
I had a smokin’ hot Cuban
while you were Tinkering around!
You slept with a producer.
Deny it? You can’t!
This isn’t just fan fiction:
You married a Mister Grant!
Or maybe that’s not how
it was really like:
Maybe Dick Van wasn’t
the only Dyke!
I think Mary Richards rug-munched
Rhoda Morganstern.
Chuckles the Clown got whacked
But you just got burned!

(Mary)
Oh, Mrs. Arnaz?
Is that the best you can do?
For those raps, Lucy
you got some ‘splaining to do!
Your style is lame.
It has so far to go.
No wonder Ricky never
let you be in the show!
You’re a fake redhead
a bad actor and dancer.
I’ve seen smarter moves from Alan Brady
AND Ted Baxter!
You called me a lesbian?
That’s a load of bunk.
Desi cheated on you because
like Lou Grant, YOU HATE SPUNK!

(Lucy)
Go ahead, toss your hat.
Your cookies are next.
I’m gonna bury you
with my residual checks!
My reruns are on
24 hours a day.
I’m gonna turn your world off
and wipe that smile away!
I saved Star Trek
with my Desliu Productions!
I helped build CBS
while you just gave Bill Paley suction!
You couldn’t win this battle.
You just didn’t have it in you.
Call your Kitten, this battle’s over.
There’s no “To be continued”!

(Mary)
Forget it, Lucy.
I’m too tall an order.
Like Murray would say
you’re about to get Slaughtered!
I’m winning this battle.
There is no escape.
I’m crushing you and these beats
like you did to those grapes!
I rap faster and come harder
than the chocolate factory conveyor belt
that drove you and Ethel halfway to Bellevue
spit so hard you’re gonna melt!
You thought you could win
this battle, Miss Ball?

Looks like I kicked
your ass after all!
(tosses her hat)

Who won?
Who’s next?
You decide!

Epic….

(Mary's hat comes down on the logo)

Rap Battles of History!