Epic Rap Battles of History!

Dick Cheney!

vs....

Joe Biden!

Begin!

(Cheney)
I'm comin' hard.
This is your fate.
You're getting killed by the 43rd and a half
President of the United States!
I spit oil
and natural gas
going Halliburton
on your Delaware ass!
I've got an array of attacks
that are quite extensive.
I'm a Secretary of Offense
while you're just offensive!
I ruled America
for eight long years.
While you don't drink
so you can't even cry in your beer!

(Biden)
Aw, shoot.
Now, don't take that literal.
Out of it, you don't have to
make a case federal!
A war crimes tribunal
is what the world recommends
for this guy who bombs his enemies
and shoots his friends!
But this is one face-off
that'll leave you in distress.
I'm blasting through you like
an Amtrak Acela Express!
I clobbered Robert Bork, you dork
and I don't miss a trick.
I'm no average Joe
while you're a DUI Dick.

(Cheney)
Did you plagiarize those rhymes?
Or pull them out of thin air?
I'd rather be bald like this
than have your wack hair!
I rock the FBI
and the NSA.
My rhymes will send you
to Guantanamo Bay!
This Vice President's
trigger-finger is itchin'.
But it's your own words that caused
your chance at the Presidency's nixin'.

(Eisenhower's Vice President)
Did somebody say, "Nixon"?

(Cheney)
No.

(Biden)
Get lost, you crook.

(Nixon)
Sorry. Pardon me.

(Nixon's 2nd Vice President)
I already did.

(Biden)
Speaking of Fords
we couldn't afford
the tax cut you wanted
for your fellow business lords.
You ain't dealing with Lieberman
or John Edwards here.
Our Administration fights terror better
and I'll bring you some real fear!
You were like a James Bond villain
positively shocking.
But there were lots of
epic fails you were rocking.

(The other Bush's Vice President)
Did somebody say, "Epic Quayle"?

(Cheney)
Get the f*** outta here, twerp!

(Quayle)
Don't hurt me...
(slinks away)

(Cheney)
Now, where was I?

(Biden)
You thought you were about to score
points against all my policies
that you deplore.

(Clinton's Vice President)
Did somebody say, "Gore"?

(Biden)
No, Al.

(Gore)
But I actually won.

(Cheney)
Give it a rest, Ozone Man.
May I resume, Joe?

(Biden)
Go ahead. One more round each.

(Cheney)
You're a smooth talker
but I'm a master debater
I think your wife would welcome me
as a liberator!
You're not dealing with Palin
or that pipsqueak Ryan.
I'm gonna blow you away
leave you bleedin' and cryin'!
I'm a Wyoming cowboy.
You're a sorry excuse from Syracuse.
This ain't Fox News:
I decide: You lose!
I'll forever stand as
the most powerful Veep.
I'm a titan in history.
You're just a weird-haired creep.

(Biden)
God bless ya, ya wacko.
That history won't be kind.
Because of your policies
America fell behind!
You went to war on lies for money
and I don't mean to nag you
but with Halliburton, you were
more corrupt than Spiro Agnew!
I talked Obama into doing your job:
Getting bin Laden
while you watched Bush and felt
your arteries harden!
You can't control history.
Against you, it's slanted.
Like your heart and my hair
your style shoulda been transplanted!

Who won?
Who's next?
You decide!

Epic... Rap Battles of History!