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Song Parodies -> "Dick Cheney vs. Joe Biden"

Original Song Title:

"Epic Rap Battles of History"

Original Performer:

Nice Peter & Epic Lloyd

Parody Song Title:

"Dick Cheney vs. Joe Biden"

Parody Written by:

Michael Pacholek

The Lyrics

Rob Arndt asked for it. Considering Beau's death and the sort-of split between Cheney's daughters, I'm going to leave the kids out of it.
Epic Rap Battles of History!

Dick Cheney!


Joe Biden!


I'm comin' hard.
This is your fate.
You're getting killed by the 43rd and a half
President of the United States!
I spit oil
and natural gas
going Halliburton
on your Delaware ass!
I've got an array of attacks
that are quite extensive.
I'm a Secretary of Offense
while you're just offensive!
I ruled America
for eight long years.
While you don't drink
so you can't even cry in your beer!

Aw, shoot.
Now, don't take that literal.
Out of it, you don't have to
make a case federal!
A war crimes tribunal
is what the world recommends
for this guy who bombs his enemies
and shoots his friends!
But this is one face-off
that'll leave you in distress.
I'm blasting through you like
an Amtrak Acela Express!
I clobbered Robert Bork, you dork
and I don't miss a trick.
I'm no average Joe
while you're a DUI Dick.

Did you plagiarize those rhymes?
Or pull them out of thin air?
I'd rather be bald like this
than have your wack hair!
I rock the FBI
and the NSA.
My rhymes will send you
to Guantanamo Bay!
This Vice President's
trigger-finger is itchin'.
But it's your own words that caused
your chance at the Presidency's nixin'.

(Eisenhower's Vice President)
Did somebody say, "Nixon"?


Get lost, you crook.

Sorry. Pardon me.

(Nixon's 2nd Vice President)
I already did.

Speaking of Fords
we couldn't afford
the tax cut you wanted
for your fellow business lords.
You ain't dealing with Lieberman
or John Edwards here.
Our Administration fights terror better
and I'll bring you some real fear!
You were like a James Bond villain
positively shocking.
But there were lots of
epic fails you were rocking.

(The other Bush's Vice President)
Did somebody say, "Epic Quayle"?

Get the f*** outta here, twerp!

Don't hurt me...
(slinks away)

Now, where was I?

You thought you were about to score
points against all my policies
that you deplore.

(Clinton's Vice President)
Did somebody say, "Gore"?

No, Al.

But I actually won.

Give it a rest, Ozone Man.
May I resume, Joe?

Go ahead. One more round each.

You're a smooth talker
but I'm a master debater
I think your wife would welcome me
as a liberator!
You're not dealing with Palin
or that pipsqueak Ryan.
I'm gonna blow you away
leave you bleedin' and cryin'!
I'm a Wyoming cowboy.
You're a sorry excuse from Syracuse.
This ain't Fox News:
I decide: You lose!
I'll forever stand as
the most powerful Veep.
I'm a titan in history.
You're just a weird-haired creep.

God bless ya, ya wacko.
That history won't be kind.
Because of your policies
America fell behind!
You went to war on lies for money
and I don't mean to nag you
but with Halliburton, you were
more corrupt than Spiro Agnew!
I talked Obama into doing your job:
Getting bin Laden
while you watched Bush and felt
your arteries harden!
You can't control history.
Against you, it's slanted.
Like your heart and my hair
your style shoulda been transplanted!

Who won?
Who's next?
You decide!

Epic... Rap Battles of History!

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 3.8
How Funny: 3.8
Overall Rating: 3.8

Total Votes: 26

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   7
 2   0
 3   1
 4   2
 5   16

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Rob Arndt - August 04, 2015 - Report this comment
Wonderful- 555!!!
John Jenkins - August 04, 2015 - Report this comment
Good 'transplanted' line.
Jason - August 04, 2015 - Report this comment
Overburdened with gross caricatures.
Pollster - August 04, 2015 - Report this comment
Hillary Clinton has more balls than Biden and was more active. What's that moron been doing in seven years? Like Gerald Ford, the bum once tripped over his own shoelaces because he didn't tie them right.
Ralph - August 04, 2015 - Report this comment
Dick Cheney is like the Godfather. "I made him an offer he couldn't refuse... take the deal or go hunting with me!"
Carly - August 04, 2015 - Report this comment
"The United States has traded an American POW for five Taliban prisoners. Originally, the deal included Joe Biden, but the Taliban said no." –David Letterman
Oh Yeah - August 04, 2015 - Report this comment
Patrick - August 04, 2015 - Report this comment
One of the jobs of a vice-president is to not overshadow his boss. Biden has certainly done that. I remember when Cheney shot a man. How many other people could get away with that, even as an "accident"? A man after my own heart. I mean it. His is in such bad shape he would even settle for what's left of mine. By the way, Jason, gross caricatures are what parody writing is all about.
Michael Pacholek - November 10, 2020 - Report this comment
Time for an update?
CML - November 11, 2020 - Report this comment
Maybe Mike ... but only if you include Joe's stirring crie de couer -- TRUnalimanumaperzure! No wonder the guy got 5 million more votes than ultra political rock star Barrack Obama even as his party got its ass kicked down the ballot at every level .... But then again, same thing happened to the less popular Obama, right? No, I'm wrong; Obama picked up 8 Senators and 21 additional seats in Congress; and this after a historic ass whipping in '06 where the Demoniacs picked up 31 and 6 -- I tells ya, (pounds keys on his adding machine) .. It don't ADD UP!!

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