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Song Parodies -> "Ben Cartwright vs. Jerry Seinfeld"

Original Song Title:

"Epic Rap Battles of History"

Original Performer:

Nice Peter & Epic Lloyd

Parody Song Title:

"Ben Cartwright vs. Jerry Seinfeld"

Parody Written by:

Michael Pacholek

The Lyrics

One was played by Lorne Greene in the first great TV show filmed entirely in color, and helped to make NBC a great TV network. The other reaped the rewards. Sometimes battles like this are meant to show similar characters, but sometimes they work better with contrast.
Epic Rap Battles of History!

Ben Cartwright!


Jerry Seinfeld!


I'm 200 years old now
but I'm still quite able.
Jerome you had better
take your feet off the table.
I'm NBC's best
from out of the Wild West
and your girl Sidra showed me
her real, spectacular breasts!
The ladies love big bank
and I got mine
with cattle going to market
and silver with a shine.
My posse will saddle up
and I'll say, "Let's ride!"
so we can beat this hipster
from the Upper West Side!

What's the deal with all this
Wild West drama?
I liked you better as the first
Commander Adama!
Yeah, I live in Manhattan.
It's still kinda gritty.
Your Ponderosa ain't Virginia
and it sure ain't no city!
I wonder what really
goes on in your log cabin?
Four men all alone?
Just what are you havin'?
I hope you saved your best rhymes
for your second stanza
because your first one certainly
wasn't a Bonanza!

Oh, it's a bonanza
of which millions are fans o'
and we're devoted to truth
unlike your friend George Costanza!
Kramer's a hipster doofus
and you're very nerdy
but Elaine thinks my sons and I
are all sponge-worthy!
You can't beat me, Schmoopie.
It's your own fault.
You must have left your good rhymes
back in the vault!
This battle's no "Contest."
I've won, you know it's true.
Sorry, Jerome, but

Yada, yada, yada.
You're not as hot as kung pow
and you certainly won't get
serenity now!
All those Cartwright women?
I think they died of boredom
leaving you and your sons
in saloon-girl whoredom!
I'm on you like a library cop
chasing 20-year-old fines
but your posse won't get the message
because of cut telegraph lines!
Adam's too moody.
Joe's dumb, Hoss is fat.
And I've beaten you.
Not that there's anything wrong with that!

Who won?
Who's next?
You decide!

Epic Rap Battles of History!

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 3.1
How Funny: 3.0
Overall Rating: 3.0

Total Votes: 8

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   3
 2   1
 3   0
 4   0
 5   4

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Timmy1000 - November 20, 2014 - Report this comment
Having watched many of the epic rap battles, you have really captured the spirit of these well. Being a Seinfeld fan, you obviously have seen all the shows - probably more than once. Well done!
Leough - November 20, 2014 - Report this comment
Many very funny lines, especially all the Seinfeld references! Loved it!
Patrick - November 20, 2014 - Report this comment
I could here these verses in the original character voices. The line about the four Cartwright men all alone (except for Hop Sing) shows the end of innocence in TV story telling in the late 1960's. Though, there was a terrible made for TV movie in which the Cartwright offspring appeared to fight for the old homestead vs bad guys with automatic pistols, circa 1910. Through a series of misfortunes a few years ago, I got to see most of "Seinfeld", too. Two more contrasting characters would be hard to find. Liked the "Battlestar Galactica" nod, too.

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