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Song Parodies -> "John F. Kennedy vs. J.R. Ewing"

Original Song Title:

"Epic Rap Battles of History"

Original Performer:

Nice Peter & Epic Lloyd

Parody Song Title:

"John F. Kennedy vs. J.R. Ewing"

Parody Written by:

Michael Pacholek

The Lyrics

Epic Rap Battles of History!

John Fitzgerald Kennedy!


John Ross Ewing Jr.!

That's right:





Howdy, pardner!
You've come back to Dallas
where you're just a dick
while I'm an erect phallus!
For both of us, downtown
was quite a pain.
I spilled my guts
but you've got half a brain!
I'm the Eighties titan
of Texas oil.
And Caroline's now old enough
for me to spoil!
Sue Ellen don't drink as much
as your brother Ted.
You beef with me
and you're better off dead!

Let the word go forth
from this time and place
that I'll reduce you to chowder
if you don't clam up your face!
You're talking about my daughter.
You shouldn't bring that drama.
Because while I was President
I seduced your mama!
You were handed an empire
but couldn't handle the job.
I'm the better M.C.
with the better brother Bob!
I've got statues and schools
and a Presidential Library.
All you're remembered for
is the "Who shot J.R.?" query!

More people watched my show
than your presidential press conferences.
And I could ride through Dallas
with no fatal consequences!
I'm a tycoon
and I made money quicker
than your old man did
from bootlegging liquor!
Call me the Texas Trump
with much better hair.
I'll go to Hyannis
and drill for oil AND ladies there!
I still can't figure out why
for Vietnam you don't get blamed.
But in this battle
you got eternally flamed!

Ask not
why your raps are so wack.
Ask how you're gonna
survive my attack.
I'm blockading you
like you were "Cuber"
'cause I'm a Harvard war hero.
You're just a Texas goober!
Like Richard Nixon
you're up against a winner.
When it comes to rap battles
dich bin ein beginner!
So go off and cry
in your Lone Star Beer
'cause there's no place for you
in the New Frontier.

Who won?
Who's next?
You decide!


(the opening notes of the "Dallas" theme)

Rap Battles of History!

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 3.1
How Funny: 3.1
Overall Rating: 3.1

Total Votes: 27

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   13
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   14

User Comments

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Al Silver - July 31, 2015 - Report this comment
Excellent evocation of eras and rhetorical tics. 5s.
Rob Arndt - August 01, 2015 - Report this comment
Hey MP, since we are probably the only two here who watch ERBOH, I have a request. Could you do Dick Cheney vs Joe Biden? 555!
DIY - August 02, 2015 - Report this comment
Extend yourself, Rob. MP has done his thing. You do Cheney vs. Biden. Btw, Biden may soon throw his hat in the ring. Excellent!
Rob Arndt - August 02, 2015 - Report this comment
DIY, I was being courteous. AiR authors have made requests of me that I honored and some have honored my requests. Nothing out of the norm. JAB and I did 115 PoPs (Parodies of Parodies) by ourselves for fun. I like ERBOH just like MP, but don't do rap that well. I have done Weird Al's "Bad" as "Fat" in two versions, "White and Nerdy" three times and Eminem's "Slim Shady" once... but rappers shift variances in style, pronunciation, tempo, and word emphasis depending on what song and artist. Yes, I can do these... but MP does them better. I know alot about Cheney but not so much about Biden. MP can vilify GWB, Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Blackwater to death but he also knows foot-in-his -mouth gaffing Biden better than I. So lighten up. If it's Hanna Reitsch vs Captain Eric Brown, well that's me!!!
Patrick - August 02, 2015 - Report this comment
Enough time has passed to make this one funny. Some good references to the Kennedy womanizing that was not so well known to the public, back when the man was still a saint. Of course, JR Ewing was no slouch in that department either. I worked a night shift job during the 80's, so most of what I know of "Dallas" came from second hand sources. This is one of the best in this on-going series. I admire anyone who can do rap well.
Michael Pacholek - August 03, 2015 - Report this comment
Cheney vs. Biden is done. I think even supporters of the Bush-Cheney Administration will find something to like in it.
Rob Arndt - August 03, 2015 - Report this comment
Thanks MP. Btw, I don't hold your political views against you in ratings. I 5 you more than you think, but I may not leave comments all the time. I was wondering if you also follow parodist Bart Baker as well? I watch him on Xfinity Music Choice too.

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