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Song Parodies -> "Doogie Howser vs. Hawkeye Pierce"

Original Song Title:

"Epic Rap Battles of History"

Original Performer:

Nice Peter & Epic Lloyd

Parody Song Title:

"Doogie Howser vs. Hawkeye Pierce"

Parody Written by:

Michael Pacholek

The Lyrics

Is there a doctor in the... uh... House?
Epic Rap Battles of History!

Doogie Howser!


Hawkeye Pierce!


I've got a diagnosis
that will make you shiver.
It's not the flu:
You need a transplant for your liver!
Enough gin from that still
to put anyone else to sleep
but you drank before you operated
and while driving a jeep!
You haven't got a chance
against this genius tonight.
Your name is Benjamin Franklin?
So go fly a kite!
Alda jokes you told didn't get you
out of the Army.
No wonder Klinger couldn't get a Section 8:
You were the one who was barmy!

I'm the Maine Man of MASH
and I'll mash you like a spud.
Like Frank Burns' brain
your style is a dud!
I'm the M.D. M.C.
of Crabapple Cove
and I'll burn you with raps
like I was a Ben Franklin stove!
'Cause I'm a smooth operator.
Just ask any nurse.
Try to kiss Margaret's hot lips
you'll get a fist and a curse!
But then, I wonda why Wanda left ya.
Did she catch you and Vinnie getting fierce?
'Cause I hear that it's not just in this battle
that your ass is getting Pierced!

I graduated med school
when I was only 14.
I'm the most brilliant doctor
TV's ever seen!
I've performed surgical procedures
on many a human
you never could've imagined
in the days of Harry Truman!
You kissed Blythe Danner
Joan Van Ark and Shelley Long.
But your relationships
always went very wrong!
I'm far above your class
like my name was Winchester.
I'm legen...
wait for it...
You're just a drunk Uncle Fester!

You were lamer with girls
than even Radar!
Maybe 'cause you always
set off their gaydar!
Overcompensating, "Barney"?
I don't need no Bro Code.
But here's how I met your mother:
She likes how I flowed!
You're a meatball in surgery.
I can operate AND rap faster.
I'm a Captain of rappin'.
You're a major disaster!
It's time to grow up, Douglas.
Maybe someday you'll come back hard.
Until then, kiss my tuchis
and my Emmy Awards!

Who won?
Who's next?
You decide!


(sound of Doogie's computerized theme song)

Rap Battles of History!

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 2.7
How Funny: 2.7
Overall Rating: 2.7

Total Votes: 22

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   12
 2   1
 3   0
 4   0
 5   9

User Comments

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Abbott Skelding - July 16, 2015 - Report this comment
This might be my favorite rap battle that you have done! A perfect pairing, and some perfect lines! If I may make a suggestion...I'd love to see Ozzy Osbourne vs. Alice Cooper (vs. Rob Zombie vs. Marilyn Manson). See who the king of shock rock really is (Alice, of course!) haha
? - July 16, 2015 - Report this comment
Take a hint, you are terrible with these and get overwhelming bad ratings. How is this productive?
Patrick - July 16, 2015 - Report this comment
A good series. I especially like the ones where the opponents are evenly matched, and I am familiar with the shows. Never watched "How I Met Your Mother", but saw enough ads for it. I do remember "Dougie Howser".
Timmy1000 - July 16, 2015 - Report this comment
Always enjoy these.
Leough - July 16, 2015 - Report this comment
Echo what Timmy said. They're always chock full of funny references!

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