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Song Parodies -> "Davy Crockett vs. John Wayne"

Original Song Title:

"Epic Rap Battles of History"

Original Performer:

Nice Peter & Epic Lloyd

Parody Song Title:

"Davy Crockett vs. John Wayne"

Parody Written by:

Michael Pacholek

The Lyrics

In late March 1955, 60 years ago this week, "The Ballad of Davy Crockett" was the Number 1 song in America. Like a lot of things associated with the American frontier -- both the early part and the later "Wild West" -- it was full of baloney. In fact, as far as I can tell, he was never even called "Davy" or "Davey" in his lifetime. He always signed his name "David Crockett." He was a legitimate war hero, and he did serve in Congress, but his real life was blown all out of proportion -- by many, including "hisself." It was suggested that I put him up against Chuck Norris, but the original ERB guys already used him. But I found an appropriate opponent: The man who played him in the 1960 film "The Alamo."
Epic Rap Battles of History!

Davy Crockett!


John Wayne!


I'm the biggest badass
in American history!
I coulda kilt you
when I was only 3!
I was a real-life war hero
totally dependable
while you woulda been the 1960s'
version of "The Expendables!"
Ya made me look like a fool
with every take ya done.
Ya even got out-acted
by Frankie Avalon!
Who taught ya to act
Mr. Marion Morrison?
And who told ya that you'd be good
playing Genghis Khan?

Now, listen here, pilgrim:
I'm gonna blow ya away.
Ya think you can beat me?
Ha! That'll be the day!
I'm America's favorite actor.
After all these years, it's still true.
Ya should feel very honored
that they chose me to play you!
Yer coonskin cap can't hold a candle
to my Stetson hat and bandana.
If it was really me at the Alamo
I'd a-beaten Santa Anna!
Yer whole life was exaggerated, overrated.
Yer true story would bore us.
You were the early 19th Century's
version o' Chuck Norris!

Yer talkin' 'bout exaggerations?
Not a good idea, "Duke."
The Naval Academy rejected ya
and that warn't no fluke!
Ya lost yer football scholarship
and dropped out o' USC
'cause ya went bodysurfing
and broke yer collarbone in three!
Ya turned down "All the King's Men"
to do "Sands of Iwo Jima."
It cost ya the Oscar
ya Hollywood schemer!
Yer a fake in war and sports.
Ya don't have "True Grit."
Yer Green Beret should be brown
'cause yer so full o' s***!

If that's what ya think
then yer mentally unbalanced!
I'm gonna shoot ya down
like yer name was Liberty Valance!
I'm drivin' this stagecoach
so be quiet, man
'cause the searchers can't find yer
place in history in this land!
I'm gonna make this
yer longest day.
The river will run red
with your corpuscles, Type A!
Ya better 'fess up, Parker:
Ya took a wrong turn.
Tell the Great Smoky Mountains
ya got Rooster Cog-burned!

Who won?
Who's next?
You decide!



Rap Battles of History!

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Voting Results

Pacing: 2.9
How Funny: 2.9
Overall Rating: 2.9

Total Votes: 15

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 4   1
 5   5

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Patrick - March 30, 2015 - Report this comment
So many great lines. Basically rapping with himself. Especially liked the John Wayne movie references in the last verse. From what I understand, from eye witness reports of the survivors, Crockett surrendered and was executed. In terms of historical accuracy, the remake of "The Alamo" with Billy Bob Thornton was far superior. Audiences in 2004 were more demanding than in 1960. Crockett, as played by Thornton, revealed at a Washington DC dinner party why he didn't eat potatoes. Seems he had been in a battle during which his squad chased some Indians into a cabin. When the Indians shot at them, the soldiers burned the cabin to the ground. Out of food, the soldiers went into the basement where they found a bag of potatoes which had been coated by the flesh of the burned Indians. They were so hungry that they committed what amounted to an act of cannibalism. There is a heroic story Fess Parker would not have been allowed by Walt Disney to relate in 1955. You provide some good details on John Wayne's not always stellar career. I've visited his "birthplace" in Iowa. By the time he became a star and his hometown of Winterset wanted to remember him, no one living could remember where the Morrison family had lived, so they purchased a house that was on the market, on a corner lot where there was room for parking, and enough space inside for a gift shop. Winterset, by the way, is in Madison County, home of the famous covered bridges, only one of which still carries traffic. Looking forward to more epic rap battles.

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