Epic Rap Battles of History!

Cliff Clavin!

vs....

Newman!

Begin!

(Clavin)
I'm the best M.C.
in the U.S. Postal Service.
And I'm gonna serve you
so you better be nervous!
When it comes to going postal
I'm the heavyweight champ.
You're heavier and rounder
but I'll leave you flat as a stamp!
I'm Boston a move
on your fat New York ass!
I'll shove you in a mailbox
and mail you "No Class"!
Oh, the humanity:
I'll reduce you to ash.
So lose the glasses, Newman
and fear the 'stache!

(Newman)
Fear you? You must be drunk
like your loser Sox pal Sam.
I'll have you saying, "Mayday!"
like you were back in 'Nam!
My best friend is Kramer.
Yours is merely Norm.
My style's ice-cold
while yours is lukewarm.
I'm gonna give you a roast
like my name was Kenny Rogers
then I'll knock you to the other coast
like you were Brooklyn Dodgers!
You got no zip to your code
and your style ain't so free.
Your Mama shoulda told ya
not to step to me!

(Clavin)
You mentioned my Ma?
That was the wrong thing to do:
I'm sending you to Hell
where there's no soup for you!
You're a hack. I got more style
than your fat body in my pinky.
I'm a true public servant.
You're a mystery wrapped in a twinkie!
I'm the smahtest guy in he bah
while you never learned tact
and the ladies say your dick
is a little known fact!
So jump on your rickshaw
and leave with the breeze
before your chunky ass spreads
any more New York fleas!

(Newman)
What do you know about women?
I get some, it's true
while even George Costanza
gets laid more than you!
All those "little-known facts"
wouldn't get you any ladies.
Even without the Internet they'd know
you were full of crap in the Eighties!
You ain't no Santa Claus
but you are a bowl full of jelly.
I'm gonna kick your ass like my name
was Carla Tortelli!
I'm TV's favorite mailman
so quit your bitchin'.
I'm the biggest celebrity
who'll EVER be in your kitchen!

Who won?
Who's next?
You decide!

Epic...

(sound of a mail-sorting machine)

Rap Battles of History!