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Song Parodies -> "Old Man Winter vs. Apollo"

Original Song Title:

"Epic Rap Battles of History"

Original Performer:

Nice Peter & Epic Lloyd

Parody Song Title:

"Old Man Winter vs. Apollo"

Parody Written by:

Michael Pacholek

The Lyrics

Peter Shukoff is from Rochester, New York -- on a Great Lake. Lloyd Ahlquist is from Exeter, New Hampshire -- New England. They both live in Los Angeles now. Why? Is it because it's the heart of the entertainment industry? Not really, they could live in New York and make "Epic Rap Battles of History" there. Maybe it's the weather. This winter hasn't given me the most total snowfall ever, but I think it has given me the most individual snowfalls ever, and I'm sick of it! I'll never move out of the Northeast, but enough is enough! I have had it with this mothersnowing weather in this mothersnowing winter! Trying to think of a representation of summer, to battle Old Man Winter, wasn't easy, but I figured out a representation of the sun, Apollo of the Greek gods of Mount Olympus, which is close enough.
Epic Rap Battles of History!

Old Man Winter!




Forget it, Apollo.
The Oracle shoulda told
no rapper has ever
had rhymes this cold!
You may be the Sun God
but you ain't so tough.
I'll chill you to the bone
and freeze your ass off!
I made ice out of Niagara Falls
and the K.C. Royals' fountain.
You should know about my power
'cause you live atop a mountain!
I dumped on New York City
and I left Boston buried.
When I'm through with you
you'll get River Styx ferried!

Is that the best you can do
old man? A death-threat line?
You're a melt. So now bask in
my glorious sunshine!
The Greeks called me Helios
but you got that wrong.
You dummy, you should've
read the Romans' song!
Apollo brings the heat
and the light, you can see 'em.
I bring the day, so seize it
sucka -- carpe diem!
I'm catching you and throwing you
out like Willie Mays!
So drink from my Corona
as I set you ablaze!

Your rapping is weak.
You're a total jerk.
You can't beat me. I'll stop you
like I was Captain Kirk!
I'm the Snow Miser, Mr. White Christmas.
People prefer my time of year.
I get kids days off from school
and I represent cheer!
Sure, the parents don't like it
and they're cursing aloud.
I make 'em shovel and then head off
to a bar and get plowed!
I embrace their hate.
And you can't handle my rhymin'.
I always win!
So shine on, you crazy diamond!

You think you've won?
Dawg, that's really a bummer.
Kids don't have to go to school?
Boy, you ever heard of "summer"?
You talk about "cheer"?
Fool, that's really a reach.
I send people to the boardwalk.
I'm the son of a beach!
I represent baseball
and women in bikinis.
The only ice people like
is in hockey and martinis!
I'm the efficient power source
worshipped for millennia by misters.
So check your wrinkly ass:
I gave you a burn and some blisters!

Who won?
Who's next?
You decide!


(Sound of wind blowing
followed by sound of bacon sizzling)

Rap Battles of History!

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 2.3
How Funny: 2.3
Overall Rating: 2.3

Total Votes: 15

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   10
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   5

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Patrick - March 07, 2015 - Report this comment
Like your reference to the KC Royals fountain. Kansas City has had very little snow this year, and it's expected to be in the 70's next week. When I think of the personification of the sun, my mind always goes to the Jimmy Dean sausage commercials on TV, where a friendly fellow in yellow delivers the morning daylight along with a plate of fried pork. Don't know whether these ads are national or regional. I've seen the news coverage of Boston and the whole Northeast. Would not want to live there. But a lot of my family are talking about California, Arizona, or Mississippi. If I could rap, I'd do "Titanic" vs "Edmund Fitzgerald".
Fan - March 07, 2015 - Report this comment
Can't get enough of these! I voted 5's. How about doing Newman vs. Cliff Clavin (both fictional mail carriers) or James Bond vs. Maxwell Smart (both fictional spies)?
unKnownGreatLaker - March 09, 2015 - Report this comment
Sir, give them 'ell, even if it is -10 below ! It has been beautiful here in sillyConsValley, Sir !

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