You got tattoos on your back
They misspelled "dude"
No-one can park right in this town
Cops arrest you for it
It makes no sense why
I guess your luck just sucks
Oh
Never to blame
But you get blamed anyway
You try to walk down the street
Always get beaned
By some smug no-name
Will we ever know why
Why your luck just plain sucks
Yeah

And buddy
It's amazing you're not a crazy dude
Your life's an utter load
No matter where you're walkin' in town
A bird craps on your dome
Spillin' your beer, burnin' your hair
Meetin' a bear, a tad unfair
It's just so messed up that your life is such an (uh, uh)
Epic fail

Uh, ev'ry time you pose for pictures
Uh, red eyes, unlike ev'ryone standin' with ya
Uh, don't matter how fancy the camera
Uh, your scrapbook's like a red-eye banner
Uh, somehow you don't mind it
Bad luck keeps on pilin'
On you, but you still keep smilin'
I remember just one night
Some git ran the red light
They hit your car and broke your nose
Who's arrested? Them, right?
You? That's lame, just listen to me
Why aren't you pissed off with that?
You can't just give them slack
You've gone through many types of crap
Enough to get your own sub-folder
On FMyLife, so much fail
Like when you fell through that gate
Landed in a thorny bush, oh hell
Uh
All those thorns were far from painless
In that sitch, you were quite blameless
Still they sued you, that's just heinou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ous

And buddy
It's amazin' you're still quite sane, cause dude
Your life just really blows
Before you sneeze, it looks like a frown
Get slapped by random folks
Still full of cheer, confident air
Even though there's no reason there
Your mood's dissonant cause your life is such an
Epic fail

So much abuse done to your body
Hospital trips aren't your hobby
All these capers in the paper
Sayin' you're the guilty party
Can't even take a calm and simple walk
Without pissing someone off
Getting drenched by some jerk-off
Drivin' through a big-ass puddle, that's wrong
How are you not feelin' low?
You've had the worst of it, bro
Trust me when I say nobody
Has been through more shit, true, yo
Dragged through dirt, more things that hurt
How can this happen to one person?
If I had to deal with all of this
I couldn't do it, not how my brain works
Yet yours works
Through the bullshit, all the hurt
Most guys woulda snapped, impressive work
Still keep smilin' through the pile o' shit
Not one indication that you're sore
No angry journals or mad blogs or
Eyes twitchin' like mad
Though life's treated you bad
And I don't think that you're a sleep pill hoarder
I doubt that I could be chiller
Than you are, despite
Bad run-ins with willy kickers
Stealin' your pie
That will of yours could not be bigger
Contrast to your shit life
Nobody could lick ya

Damn, buddy
Still amazin', all this crap you've been through (uh, uh, uh, uh)
Have yet to take their toll
On you, remember the time that crown (uh, uh, uh)
Smacked you right in the nose (uh, uh)
Ev'ryone jeered, I couldn't bear (uh, uh, uh)
That crap, ain't fair, are you aware (uh, uh, uh, uh)
That your life, it sucks? Can't you notice it's an
Epic fail?

You have such miniscule luck
And none when you need it
You're a cosmic plaything full of heart
Ev'rything hurt 'cept your feelings
You keep your head high
Through your life's daily crud
Yeah
Get stuck with the blame
For ev'rything, yet you're sane
Ground could open under your feet and you'd fall right in
Still smile the same
Doubt that I'll find out why
Why your brain isn't mush
Yeah

So buddy
I'm amazed you're still in one piece, it's true (uh, uh, uh, uh)
No-one can break your soul
A truck could spill out it's load of towels (uh, uh, uh)
Cover you head to toe (uh, uh)
Ev'ryone leers, but you don't care (uh, uh, uh)
Just flick your hair, it's why I stare (uh, uh, uh, uh)
I'm in awe that you don't care that your life's an
Epic fail

You rock, guy