I'm not surprised, want you to find a new crime
Stuffin' meat inside their clothes
Done too many times, you know
Not seen this before? Count your lucky stars, I
See this pop up all damn year
I wish I could ignore
Some utter jerk goes into a store
Decides transactions suck, proceeds to stuff
His pants with, his pants with
A whole lobster, perhaps somethin' more
I agree that it's dumb, got me there, bud
It's batshit, it's batshit

I'm not surprised, want you to find a new crime
A dozen times a week, I fear
Some jackass tries to sneak some beer
I'm not surprised, want you to spend some time
To find some news that's new, oh dear
The pants meat crap ain't fresh, I fear

I'm not surprised about your new repeat type
Nudity is so last year
Rather the last decade, I fear
I've seen too many twits with too much time
Goin' 'bout their bus'ness bare
Bath salts once again? Oh dear
It's not a swerve if you say they've got
Somethin' jammed up their butt, seen that a lot
What was it? What was it?
Sound like a jerk but you're blowin' up
My Twitter feed because you think you've got
Some new shit, some new shit

I'm not surprised, want you to find a new crime
The first time I was shocked, I fear
That was the early aughts, oh dear
Not surprised, okay? Stop with the e-mail tide
Seen too many rear ends, I fear
I don't have it in me to jeer

Dumb crimes, they serve to cheer me up more
But when they're in a rut, a same-y glut
Eye rollin', eye rollin'
I wanna learn 'bout the stupid hordes
But seein' the same ones just drives me nuts
Don't do it, don't do it

So vary it up
Just a smidge, a touch
Before I block your butt
I regret my words
"Send me the worst ones"
In my dumb bio

Not surprised, I said for you to find a new crime
I see these ev'ry day
Guns shoved up their back-way
Dudes who, high on crack, break
In just to make a cake
It's gettin' real passé
You've got to, you've got to pause, mate
You've got to, you've got to halt, mate
You've got to, you've got to stop, mate