Sometimes when I'm bored, I indulge my hobby
Of reading 'bout criminals
Some crimes are pulled off by intelligent scoundrels
Some crimes are done by imbeciles

And when I add up which ones I prefer
The one that wins for sure is the latter, oh
Crimes done by morons, the list just goes on
Dumb crimes, love them forevermore
Oh-whoa, oh-oo-whoa-oh, oh-oo-whoa-oh, oh-oh
Oh-whoa, oh-oo-whoa-oh-oh-oh, oh-oo-whoa-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh

Thought it would make sense, I'm sure
What are you naked for?
It's hard to steal things when you're floppy
You may be too strapped to afford their price
Hidden in your pants, not right
May be rump steaks or a damn chainsaw
You're not that well hung, sir, your plan is flawed

Please think twice
Before you order fast food when you're high
Though I laugh at your blundering, that's who I am
Was this, man, you big pla-a-a-a-an, weird naked guy?
Mmm, mmm

Well, dumb crimes, it seems that they'll never end
Jerks who punch folks for miscounting change
These dumb crimes are made of the utmost win
I haven't laughed this hard since smeg knows when

And I still crack up, some guy claimed that ghosts
Had nicked his resume, what a moron, oh
Dumb people in scores, dumb people galore
Dumb crimes, what a joke
(Dumb robbers)

And holy shit, wait until you read this
Some guy planned ahead to strip
Danced in his underwear, get this
(What morons)

In front of his boss, in undies, just for his boss, his brain is lost
But why? I'm lost, was he on bath salts, makes sense, none
Makes sense, none
It's just dumb
Oh, what fun!

Six hundred stories, still there's more
"In Florida" seems to be a trend
These crazy twits, I'm not sure if they know what "decency" means
They're claiming that it's just "art", get stuffed!
That one will not fly with me, hell no
What the fuck is wrong with all y'all
And why am I still laughing, son?

A guy just broke up with his lover
So he burnt up all her stuff
Laughing so hard, there's tears in my eyes
Man, you wouldn't believe the crazy, stupid things that I've read of
Nonsensical crimes

[Vocalising]

Oh-whoa, oh-oo-whoa-oh, oh-oo-whoa-oh, oh-oh
Oh-whoa, oh-oo-whoa-oh-oh-oh, oh-oo-whoa-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh

Reading online, I shouldn't believe
This should be fiction, but it's real life, see
You can't make up this idiocy

Doesn't make sense, it should be fiction
Doesn't make sense, it really happened, oh
Doesn't make sense, why was he naked?
Doesn't make sense, this really happened, oh