To me, it's a bit messed up
I don't think that it's too much
To hope my thoughts align with far more than a few schmucks
I'm draggin' out the point, but
I'm afraid that I might look insane
But yeah-eah-eah-eah, don't understand
Yeah-eah-eah-eah, why people can
Allow this little ginger putz
To string along his girl friends, yuck

16, that's a guess, I feel he must be
Cause an adult would not be this clueless, trust me
Don't give me your examples, man
Cause that flies past the point, I abhor
Oh yeah-eah-eah-eah, don't like this chap
Yeah-eah-eah-eah, he's such a prat
The premise rides on "just pick one"
After four issues, I'd give up

Kinda confused
Pretty confused
The main appeal of Archie
What's the appeal of Archie?
Makes me confused
Fairly confused
About the deal with Archie
I'm not into Archie

Alright, let's go there and do a "both sides"
Cause the girls he pursues aren't always in the right
Veronica? Betty?
Stop the tricks, throwin' fits, spill the truth
Cause, yeah-eah-eah-eah, girls, here's the thing:
It's a teenage fling
There's no point to ifs, ands or buts
Break down his door and spill your guts

No subterfuge (no subterfuge)
Tell him the truth (tell him the truth)
Explain your feels to Archie
Don't scam a date with Archie
But I'm confused (but I'm confused)
A tad confused (a tad confused)
Why do you yearn for Archie?
Because, well, he's Archie

A great fool is Archie
Gormless fool, that's Archie (yeah-ee-yeah-eah)
Brains of gruel, 'tis Archie
What a fool is Archie (ooh, such a dork)
Not a clue, that's Archie
Far from cool, 'tis Archie
Stop fawnin' over Archie (oh-oh)

Oh-ho-oh
Yeah-eah-eah-eah, tales rote and bland
Yeah-eah-eah-eah, don't understand
Why this franchise makes the big bucks

Alright if you (alright if you)
Like it, it's true (like it, it's true)
Go be a fan of Archie
That Riverdale scamp, Archie
But for me, dude (but for me, dude)
I'm just confused (I'm just confused)
I can't connect with Archie (ah-ah-ah-ah)
The show? Give no craps either (ah-ah-ah-ah)

I don't care 'bout Archie (yeah-eah)
Give no craps 'bout Archie (give no craps 'bout Archie)
Not one toss 'bout Archie
Zero figs 'bout Archie (oh-oh-oh)
Mystified 'bout Archie (very confused)
The appeal of Archie (super confused) (that's just me, dude)
Ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah
Both the franchise "Archie" (very confused) (yeah-eah-eah)
And the doofus Archie (super confused) (big doofus, that Archie)
If I read more Archie (very confused) (yeah)
I might then "get" Archie (super confused) (oh-oh-oh)
But that means more Archie (very confused)
Than I want, no Archie (super confused) (none, I refuse)
Ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah (for me, thanks, no Archie)