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Song Parodies -> "Santa"

Original Song Title:

"Panda"

Original Performer:

Desiigner

Parody Song Title:

"Santa"

Parody Written by:

the_conqueror_of_parodies

The Lyrics

Part of my "Into Pieces" self-challenge. No-one wants to work during the holiday season. Especially not the soul-crushing madness that is retail. This guy knows that feel all too well...
Know I've been standin' here for only a few hours (estimation)
But it really feels like it's been ages
It's what they've been waitin' for (brrrra)
Not me, though (ha)
They've been waitin' for this shit for a long time, it's lame (ki, ki, ki (hey), brrrrrrrra)
That's me, though (ha)
They've been waitin' for this shit for a long time, since May (ki, ki, ki (hey), brrrrrrrr)
Ayy (ha), can't be rollin' my eyes right now cause I'd catch such hell
Brrrrrrrra (Santa), Santa (ki)
Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa (ki, ki, ki)

Call me Grinch if you wanna (ki) (woo)
Because I know that you're gonna (brrrra)
But the reason I'm bothered (woo)
Isn't the time of year, honest (ki, ya)
It's my job, damn it (woo)
Little kids whinin' for Santa (ya)
Screamin' their heads off, can't stand it (brrrra) (ki)
Little buggers never can it (ki, brrrra)
Hate this job, damn it
Kids all want Santa (brrrrrrrra) (ki, ya)
They all want candy (hey)
Makin' me cranky (ki, ki)
If I was home, I'd be happy (woo)
Straight wolfin' down food, gettin' flabby (brrrra) (ki)
Nothin' too complex or fancy (woo)
But I'm stuck here, far from dandy (brrrrrrrra) (ki)

Call me Scrooge if you wanna (ki) (woo)
Because I know that you're gonna (brrrrrrrra) (ki, ya)
Even though I just told ya, huh
The reason why I'm so bothered (brrrrrrrra) (ya)
Retail job, damn it (woo) (ya)
Stupid kids yellin' for Santa (ki, brra) (woo)
Makin' a mess, I can't stand it (brrrra)
Wish the buggers would just can it (brrrrrrrra)
Hate this job, damn it (ki)
Dumb kids want Santa (ki, ki) (woo)
And they're all grabby (brrrra)
Stealin' some candy (woo)
As much as their hands can carry (ki) (woo)
Their parents get really damn angry (ki, ki) (ya)
Though I'm tactful as I can be (brrrra)
Say they can't do that, they smack me (brrrra)

Huh, hey, huh, haha
Santa (brrrrrrrra), Santa, haha, Santa
Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa (brrrra)

Ev'ry bloody December (ki)
I get the shitty shifts, won't end ever (ki, ki) (woo)
Pretty tempted to tender (woo)
My resignation cause of the whiners (brrrra)
Buyin' last-minute shit
They keep beggin' for discounts, ain't givin' it (ki, ki, ki) (brra)
Blamin' me for their crappy decisions, pricks
Don't they know that our stock (woo, woo) of shit's limited? Refuse to pivot, twits (brrrrrrrra)
The price is rigid (ya)
Don't matter how far they've driven (ki, ki)
Sorry, but it's explicit (brrrra)
The policies I know back and forth, it's written (oh, ki)
I'm well aware that it's the season of givin' (ki)
It's bollocks, but I can't shift from what's been scripted (ki, ki, ki) (brrrra)
No droppin' the price so you won't get a ticket (hey)
And well after Christmas, these people come, livid (brrrra)
They're throwin a shit-fit
Tryna give me stuff that (ki) they were gifted (ki, ki)
Did they keep the receipt that was printed (hey)?
Friggin' never, it never was funny (woo) (brrrrrrrra)
Holiday season's always a friggin' drain (hey)
Which just brings up a whole diff'rent kind of pain (ki, ki, ki)
I can't say "Merry Christmas", screws other days (brrrra)
Can't say "Happy Holidays", folks get really crazed (hey, ki, ki)
I'm not psychic, okay? Bullshit
You can call me a cynic (brra, woo)
For not feelin' the spirit (brrrrrrrra), not too upliftin'
My heart wouldn't be frigid (brra) (woo)
If my ass didn't get listed each year for the shit shift (brrrrrrrra)
Can't call in with a sickness
Nobody else can come in cause they've got fam'ly bus'ness (ki) (brrrrrrrra)
So my eyes will keep on twitchin' (hey)
When the stupid children throw things at me, feels like a prison (ki, ki, ki)

Brrrra, brrrrrrrra (Santa)
Santa (brrrrrrrra) (hey)
Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa (ki, ki, brra)

Call me Grinch if you wanna (woo)
Real easy bet that you're gonna (brrrra)
Even though I've been honest, huh
With the truth why I'm so bothered (ya)
Parents are asses (woo)
With their kids screamin' out "Santa!" (ya)
Wantin' their Elsa or Anna (brrrra)
Drivin' me a bit bananas (brrrra)
Hate this job, damn it, huh
Ev'rything's Santa (ki, ki) (woo)
Packets of candy, huh
Even girl's panties (ya)
I've never felt so un-dandy (woo)
The customers think they're too fancy (ki)
To donate their hard-earned money (woo)
To poor children, makes me grumpy (ya)

Call me Scrooge if you wanna, huh
Not a real shock that you're gonna (what)
My bad mood, hard to stop it, huh
When the whole day's been plain bollocks (ya)
Customers: asses (ki) (woo)
Bratty kids shoutin' for Santa (brra) (woo)
Same point in ev'ry damn stanza (brrrra)
But those shits won't stop it either (brrrra)
Hate this job, damn it, hmm
I'm sick of Santa (woo)
The concept's crappy, huh
Lie to kids? Dandy (whee)
Ten minutes, I can skedaddle (ki) (woo)
No more metaphorical shackles (ki, ki) (ya)
Dealin' with the stupid rabble (brrrra)
Get back home and surf the channels, huh

Hmm, hmm, hmm
Santa (brrrrrrrra), Santa, huh, Santa
Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa

You have no idea how disappointed I was when I learned that the original song was not, in fact, about literal pandas, but instead was a painfully generic brag-rap by an uninteresting Future knock-off. Then his second single was "Tiimmy Turner" and I just couldn't.

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Pacing: 4.7
How Funny: 4.7
Overall Rating: 4.7

Total Votes: 3

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