Off to the shops I go because my seat had to blow
Old seat, real old seat
Had it five years or so, I guess it simply wore down
Snapped, see, it snapped, see
And I don't really know what I want except this, bro:
Hard seat, no hard seat
I'll test each chair like so before I put money down
Ass cheeks, drop ass cheeks

I know what my butt likes, when it lies down post-work, right
It needs its own cushion beyond its own fatness
I hope these next few chairs will go over
Better than those ones, won't put money down
On a slab of concrete, lit'ral pain in my ass
I'm sittin' down, meant to be a rest, please
Don't wanna risk a coccyx break, so just help me
Might be the one thing wrong with the whole assembly
But it's a glarin' flaw, I'm not bein' petty
It's appallin', ad was lyin'
Total bogus, I don't like you
'Cause you lied too, said it wasn't that bad
Go on, go sit on that, see how your ass
Handles that hard mess there
That sounded bad, I fear
When my ass hurts, my brain won't work
Don't think at all about my words
But the point is: don't want butt contusions
Definitely not cruisin' for bruisin's
Pretty sure you should know this
That's what I told you in the first place
Dunce

I know I told you so, you understood, well, I'd hoped
Hard seats, hate hard seats
If I had wanted those, coulda just sat on the ground
Ass cheeks, sore ass cheeks
So let's move on to those chairs, they don't look like they blow
Hard seat, no hard seat
Ah, yes, that's how it goes, soon as my butt's safe and sound
Back screams, my back screams

Hot damn, that hurts me, the whole damn store heard me
May regret just a few things, hmm, that I said, but that pain?
That should never get repeated, 'cause a solid spine's needed
So that I can stand real straight, this is not how I'd treat it
Useless, so scummy
How did this shape make it through production?
Who saw that mold and said "That chair's proper lovely"?
I don't wanna buy that thing, I'd be hunchin'
So much that anyone who would see my fate
Would sing "Out There" at me, mockin' my pain
I tried sittin' diff'rent, made more problems
Made my back crick backwards, sounds awkward
Right? Wrong
Awkward is when you flub your friend's name
When you're tryna hype 'em up to their crush, it's true
A spine that dips so you keep starin' at the roof?
That's the kinda thing that makes a fella sue
Let's move on to the good chairs, I know that you
Uh, have been shady
Tryna flog all of the bad stock, though
That might be what the boss wants, they'll never go, alright?

Be there 'til the world blows, nobody wants 'em, 'fraid so
Hard seats, hate hard seats
Is this some kinda joke? No-one would wanna sit down
Backs scream, their backs scream
Sure there's some chairs to show that, how to say, anti-blow
Hard seats, no hard seats
Can almost hear the glow, the perfect chair has been found
That's me, now that's me

That's the one, that's the real shit
The cushion's so soft, just feel this
Got the works, six cupholders, that's needed
Adjustable back and footrest, can't beat it
Built-in screen arm, always love that
Big-ass tray for my keyboard and all my lunch snacks
I just can't wait to pay
I'm goin' straight for a dive, test the way I lay
Are all these buttons for massages? Just vibrate the hate
That all those other chairs you showed had made away
It's the best that you have, face it
Not a doubt I'm gonna take it, save it
I'll give you money, you deserve it, your work paid off
Called you a dickhole in my head, all insults waved off
Though now I'm wonderin' what you could be hidin'
Got you all in a flap, what is your problem? 'Cause I love this
It's for sale? Check; not on hold? Check
Why the wig flip? Must be somethin' I can't see, man
This is so far from hard and I mean that

Oh, I get it, I should've waited 'til home, this is real hard to get out of