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Song Parodies -> "Rigged-Ass Jury"

Original Song Title:


Original Performer:

Cardi B ft. Megan Thee Stallion

Parody Song Title:

"Rigged-Ass Jury"

Parody Written by:


The Lyrics

Part of my "Something to Believe In" self-challenge. As this absolute turd-pile of a year finally draws to a close (assuming this comes out on the 31st), let us climax with one of the many, many, many ways due process can get boned: the jury!
Law in this house
There's no law in this house
There's no law in this house
There's no law in this house (hol' up)
Swear I'm innocent, please, listen to my plea
Rigged-ass jury, that's all that I can see, ah (whoo)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Got a problem, it's a rigged-ass jury
Fairly easy thing to spot, this here rigged-ass jury
Judge, it's obvious you got a real rigged-ass jury

No, I'm not tryna beat my charge
Just don't want to disregard
How the jury that sits in place
Will take evidence and discard
What I've got for proof? First slide:
The prosecution came and said "Hi!"
To ev'ry one by name, that's right
The jury is meant to take no sides
Asked them what their day was like
How's their kids? How was the drive?
I can't believe I'm the only one
Who's not fooled by the mirage
There's "friendly", but this scene
Shows their bias easily
I'm no crook, record's clean
A false conviction (ayy), don't want that, shit clings (ayy)

All I see watchin' me, fills half the gallery (yeah)
Are some folks who have an illegal salary (yeah)
Make gestures with their fingers to the people who'll be judgin' me (huh)
That cut-throat movement is suggestin' quite a lot, you see (pow, pow, pow)
"If you tick "innocent" (yeah)
You'll take a block-of-cement dip (block-of-cement dip)"
So either the guards you have in here don't have a brain (yeah)
Or they're just like my so-called "peers": on the take (ayy, ah)
I don't assume, judge, I know it's a rigged-ass jury (ah, ah, ah)
My lawyer knows I've been saddled with a rigged-ass jury (shit, shit, shit)
He won't admit it, but he's pissed about the rigged-ass jury (argh, argh, argh)
Have to explain more? Come on, it's such a rigged-ass jury (yeah, yeah)

Gettin' a distinct feel they want this all over
And it's real hard keepin' my strict composure
That gesture they make, rotate their hand over
I know its meanin', they want fast closure
Others are pointin' at right where their wrist is
Juries should not decide the minutes
That would be weird and pushin' the limit
Of how we need 'em to make a decision
I really don't think that they just want
To do this fast 'cause they've stuff on
They knew what outcome they're all votin' for, this court stuff's a needless prologue
I know they're just tired of all this palaver
The witnesses tryin' to prove that they're honest
Can't wait for this thing (yeah) to be over and done with (ah)
Got things that their bribe cash is gonna be bought with (whoo)

Your honour, I don't need this blatant cheatin'
Not done shit to deserve how I've been treated
I know you can see that all twelve people there seated
Are prepared to lie, my "Not Guilty" plea? Defeated (ah)
Upon your face, there's shock, I can see ya
Weren't the one in charge, not the voir dire cheater
You see the break in procedure
Can it get redone? Can that be a court feature?
I know some slang, on blogs, I hang
Did no full-on research, but I've no blame
All this plain greed, did not expect it
Though I can spot it, the "undo"'s less plain, ah

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, you've got a blatant rigged-ass jury
It's corruption, should be stopped, nix this rigged-ass jury
Hope you're not in on this plot for a rigged-ass jury
Would really suck, all locked up by a rigged-ass jury
Your rep will plummet, better stop this here rigged-ass jury
No, I will not shut up, that's a rigged-ass jury
Prosecution set me up with a rigged-ass jury, huh

There's no law in this house
There's no law in this house
There's no law in this house
There's no law in this house
There's no law in this house
There's no law in this house
There's no law in this house
There's no law in this house
There's no law in this house
There's no law in this house

Voi dire [vwa deer] is a legit legal term that I found while checking whether it's the judge or the attorneys who runs through the potential jury members before the trial starts (the answer being "judge and/or attorneys", BTW). It translates to "speak the truth" and it's basically the jury selection process. The more you know!

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Pacing: 3.0
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Overall Rating: 3.0

Total Votes: 2

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