Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-hmmm-mmm-mmm
Mmm-mmm

Look, I've got no real plans to buy
But if you convince me, I'll be more than fine
So I have somethin' that I'd like:
A reason why I should sign on that dotted line
Will it just drain me dry? Is there a credit line?
Your plastic smile is scarin' me, no lie
Do the bathrooms smell nice? Are all the taxes slight?
What even is this thing? You're bein' shy

Only offerin' a free pen (free pen)
Keep the one I'll use to sign it now?
Ask for more than that, you say again
How it's such a good design, I frown
What's so good about a free pen (free pen)?
No-one I know even writes shit down (writes shit down)
Gimme more than just a free pen (free pen)
Or I'm gonna walk away now (oh-ooh-ooh)

Oh-ooh
Yeah-eah-eah-eah

Just wantin' a reason (reason)
Because this makes me uneasy (yeah!)
It's an odd proposition (sleazy)
No benefits listed (hey)
And no negatives, why should I take it (yeah)?
There's no point, you've not explained shit
Please don't avoid the basics (pain)
Don't get why I should pay this (c'mon)
Does your brain get the explain pains (pains)?
Do you need gullible lame-brains (brains)?
Free pen? That's just lame, lame, lame

Only offerin' a free pen (free pen)
That's your sign-up bonus for me now (oh, no)?
Without a real explanation, it (ooh-whoa-oh)
Makes me wonder what you've drunk right down (drunk right down, ooh-ooh)
What's so special 'bout this free pen (free pen)?
That's the question I have right now (have right now)
You're so focused on the free pen (free pen)
Like it's the point to put cash down (oh-ooh-ooh)

Free pen, oh-oh-oh-oh
Offerin' a free pen
Free pen (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-ho-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Oh-oh-oh-oh, yeah!

Does the pen spit coffee out? Does it double as a mop or somethin' (sanitation)?
Does it have a colour wheel for rainbow signatures? That would be kinda flash (nice)
Tell me: what's the point of a tool like this without gadgets in it (yeah, yeah, yeah)?
Because I can buy a pack of these with just a fiver and still get change

Still you're pushin' this dumb free pen (whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh)
Can I board my friggin' airplane now?
Haven't told me what this is (oh-oh)
That you're beggin' me to sign, I frown (oh-oh)
I'd need more than just a free pen (free pen)
All the money in the world right now
Would be better than a free pen (free pen)
Such a low bar that you've thrown down, yeah-eah-eah-eah

Friggin' more than just a free pen
Dumbass, don't believe this (oh-oh, oh-oh)
Is more than a free pen
Just let me leave, yeah (oh-oh-oh-oh, ah)
I don't need a free pen
Gonna ignore your shit grift (yeah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah)
Dude, please don't make me stab (ah)
Your face with the free pen (ha-ah)