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Song Parodies -> "Distress"

Original Song Title:

"Finesse"

Original Performer:

Bruno Mars ft. Cardi B

Parody Song Title:

"Distress"

Parody Written by:

the_conqueror_of_parodies

The Lyrics

Part of my "Turnin' It Up" self-challenge. A beautiful princess in a fairytale kingdom...may as well have "kidnap me" tattooed on her forehead. Let's see one deal with that!
Woo!
Bust down door (door), that I'll have to fix (fix)
Once these guys are out my face (aha)
Here for me, they want a hostage, not gonna
Cooperate, cause that's lame (believe me)
Give that thug a noogie, that one a right hook (hook)
The third gets smacked, I guess he mistook (took)
The skinny princess for an easy-peasy grab (ha)
Stronger than I seem, have a nice trip through the glass like ayy
Kickin' all the ass like ayy
Won't leave me to rot, okay (okay), okay (okay)?
Oh yeah, a damsel in distress is not my way, ow

Ooh-ooh, awful fact for a princess (a princess)
That the evil ones want me in a box (in a box, woo!)
Yeah, I've never been that convinced it (convinced it)
Is a plight I have to brush right off
I'd like to stay in my room (like to stay in my room)
And not be wrapped in chains (and not be wrapped in chains)
But if you're a big douche (but if you're a big douche)?
Okay, asshole, I'll play (so)
Just a little common sense, oh, got lessons in self-defense
Shut your shit down on sight, that's right

Won't be some damsel in distress
I don't need that mess
I'm no damsel in distress
That's bogus, you know
Won't be some damsel in distress
Here, have my two fists
I'm no damsel in distress
That's bogus, you know it

Won't hold me captive for ransom (ransom's so cliche now)
To be honest, though, still think you should try (do please try), yeah-eah-eah
Your attempts are so pathetic that I'm floored
As your goon's face is, eat tile
Breakin' walls with your goons (breakin' walls with your goons)
No teeth left in their face (no teeth left in their face)
While the kingdom assumes (while the kingdom assumes)
That I embody grace (no)
Which I do, still got that sense, oh, blame it on my dear parents
But I help them sleep tight with fights

Won't be some damsel in distress
Cause who needs that mess?
I'm no damsel in distress
That's bogus, you know
Won't be some damsel in distress
Spare my dad from fits
I'm no damsel in distress
That's bogus, you know it (woo!)

Ev'ry time some crazy asshole dares to climb
Up the parapet, stupid creepin' vines (woo!)
I just grab my box of rocks and let 'em fly (let 'em fly)
If they make it up here? Good try (ow!)
Yeah, the villainous goon squads never seem to stop
Comin' after me, give it up, ayy
Yeah, they think they're gonna stuff me in burlap, but, yeah
Jerks don't know that I'll kick butt
Yeah, you'd think after six months, they'd be catchin' on (he-ey)
Would they admit I beat them up? Nay (cause these are macho dudes)
Yeah, I manage to keep up the facade enough, please (woo! Woo! Woo!)

Won't be some damsel in distress (distressin' nothin')
Kick ass in my dress
I'm no damsel in distress
That's bogus, you know (woo!)
Won't be some damsel in distress, whack goons daily
Guards are bored as shit (oh-ooh-oh)
I'm no damsel in distress (yeah, yeah)
That's bogus, you know it (jerks will never stop it, bring 'em on)

Yeah, I cannot wait to clock 'em upside their block
Drive a high heel straight through the crotch, ayy
Yeah, I'd love to take a pop, gimme all you got
I'll throw fists, you know it (ooh-ooh-ooh)
Yeah, don't care what kinda plot you've got goin' on (always nonsense)
Cause your goons all fall to my punch, ayy
Yeah, the poor saps will be dropped out my window cause
They're hopeless, you know it

Ow!

This is my Christmas present to myself: a dismantling of a bullshit trope set to one of my favourite hits of the year.

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