(Sound effects from vibrator)

Struttin' never (ever) happens in her gown
Squealin' no sound (sound), not a hottie to be found here
I sought to buy my way right outta my bind
And spell the end of these love blues

She said, "(Hey), you know I ache a lot
Nightly tide of frustration. Well, somebody oughta
Procure a shop that they can fill with stock
For freakin' no pride folks, can't lose"

Till then I'd been stalking my lair (lair)
I would rarely touch her cheek or claim my share
Now I'm so delighted and I'm kneeling in prayer
I am praying they'll come through

For our way of pining to survive
It must happen (happen) or lust will take a dive
And any hint of vows are gonna vaporize
So, we hope our dreams come true

We can't wait, (no we) we can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna make our love life soar

We're hopin' (yes we're) hopin', we're a-hopin' they'll be
Op'nin' up a (hard) core, be op'nin', really op'nin' up a
Op'nin' (hard) yes op'nin' up a (hard) oh yes, be op'nin' up a
Hardcore store

In a sleepy fog I scanned the strobes of light
Bright affront in the morn, then I threw my little plight out
I dressed to go right out, intent I dashed
You know, I had to be sure this time

Gonna get me a-flashin' like a groom
Want a moisturizer for every tinglin' bloom of my spouse
Feeling slackjawed, sharing her perfume
Running a chill down my spine

Lines of name-brand frocks to spawn a smile
Rows of gartered hose'ry that show off the thighs in style
Bright blue jockey britches for the lech'rous het'rophile
All the rage, sealed hermetic'ly

And they're wooing the emotional runts
There's a great big burst of primal grunts
They say every bent and pent up newcomer
Will satisfy their fantasies

We can't wait, (no we) we can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna make this couple soar

I'm crowin' (yes I'm) crowin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) core, I'm growin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardcore store

It's op'nin' (yes it's) op'nin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) core, they're op'nin', really op'nin' up the
Op'nin' (hard) they're op'nin' up the (hard) oh yes, they're op'nin' up the
Hardcore store

(Very deep breathe)

Would you look at all that stuff...

They've got melon drenchers, gherkin eaters
Oils and treats, eccentric beaters
Slash contractors, root protractors
Power prods and whopper heaters

Knocker rockers, shock attire
Shaky toggles, labial pryers
Booby swellers, rubber fellers
Fantasy intensifiers

Figure anchors, vapor shooters
Bra-full sirens, wimpled cooters
Taint rebooters, roto-rooters
Masks and capes and spastic hooters

Twitchin' faucets, golden favors
Leather knickers, trumpet wavers
Nook impactors, spout refractors
Shower cloggers, booty shavers

Spermicidal preparations
Hyper-romance lubrication
Whet inducers, slot rejuicers
Multi-lingual conjugation

Hair deflectors, gash inspectors
Nectar drizzles, spouse detectors
Wire cages, damsel stages
Servomech's and drug injectors

Failure twitch desensitizers
Auto'rotic tantalizers
Fetish hackles, ankle shackles
Nervous system maximizers

Floppy channels, circlet snakers
Backroom creamers, throbby slakers
Stimulators, oscillators
Matching bra and panty shakers

We can't wait, (no we) we can't wait (oh wow)
Oh how they're gonna make our love life score

We're hopin' (yes we're) hopin', we're a-hopin' as they're
Op'nin' up the (hard) core, yes op'nin', really op'nin' up the
Op'nin' (hard) yeah op'nin' up the (hard) oh yes, they're op'nin' up the
Hardcore store

We're crowin' (yes we're) crowin', we're a-goin' to the
Showin' of the (hard) core, they're showin', really showin' off the
Goin' (hard) we're goin' to the (hard) oh yes, we're goin' to the
Hardcore store

It's op'nin' (yes it's) op'nin', we're a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) core, they're op'nin', really op'nin' up the
Op'nin' (hard) they're op'nin' up the (hard) oh yes, they're op'nin' up the
Hardcore store

(Fades out to more sound effects from vibrator)