Up in their bedrooms, children are at it again:
Sitting at their computers, typing on MSN
When the buzz goes around - something new that's really hot
It's a big, fat, foulmouthed Microsoft Santa bot
You can hear the kids giggle as the story's repeated
What Santa replies when you tell him to "Eat It"
And some children laugh, some are merely perplexed
When Santa says it's fun talkin' 'bout oral sex

The night Santa talked dirty
The night Saint Nick was a pest
Answering an innocent question
Sounding like he's sexually-obsessed

Well, with children today, you can guess just what follows
What Santa replies when asked if he swallows
That's when all the parents start feeling disgusted
As he answers in kind when called a "dirty bastard"
And talk about drugs, he says it's fun to get high
Thinks "Cake" is a drug, too, so must watch "Brass Eye"
So who's saying it's only a minor infraction
As the lawyers queue up for one massive class action

The night Santa talked dirty
The site where Saint Nick digressed
Can they arrest him for paedophilia
Without passing the Turing test

There's a million dads don't know what to say
It's alright to type in "ho ho ho"
But a "Ho" on its own's not OK
Now the writs start a-flying and hackles are rising
And everyone’s dying to know
Will MS pay?
Hey, hey, hey, hey they'll pay
That's if the lawyers get their way

Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doing time
In a virtual prison for his paedophile crime
Hey little friend now, he'll soon be out again
After Microsoft stooges reprogram his brain

There's kiddies in therapy says the prosecution
And Santa's getting blamed for child prostitution
And the lawyers are checking everything Santa said
Looks like Santa hasn't been.. using his head


The night Santa talked dirty
The night Kris K lost his crown
If he's saying that kinda stuff to children
Well, I guess that Santa's goin' down

The night Santa talked dirty
The site Saint Nick should have ducked
What with the lawyers and the paranoia
Seems to me that Santa's gonna get
Surely seems that Santa's gonna get
Can't you see that Santa's go----
..na get f...ried