She hit the big, big city, now she's on the big screen
Must be because she's pretty - flunks every scene
And it's such a slog listening to her mangling her dialogue

Although I may be an actor who is down on his luck
Reckon she may be getting roles because she's willing to smile
I know she's no slouch when it comes to lying on the casting couch

You say I'm only
Talking a load of baloney
Oh but she makes me hurl, and throw.. you say you know
It's jealousy that's talking? No..
She's only
A wooden no-talent phoney
You're damn right that I deny she caught my eye,
What? Me like her? That's inconceivable


I hit the big big city now the lights are on me
But you're never gonna guess who my co-star's gonna be
And I must confess, that tart's a bloody awful
Damsel in distress
Now we've had four weeks of shooting, and it's looking to me
That there is more wood in my co-star than the whole scenery
She's so bad, egad
I'm wondering how many of the cast she's had

You say I'm crazy
Crazy for her? You amaze me
What that stupid girl and me? No way
You talk.. and say
Imply.. that I.. am gay
It's only, a girl like that's never lonely
But now she's all the rage, and so we share the stage
This boy's career is irretrievable

[Sound of whistling... 'cause she's dire]

She won a Tony
How can't they see she's a phoney?
Oh, she's a sexy girl, I know she's just a "ho"
There must have been some quid pro quo
Ignore me,
No, there were no honours for me
I'm in the shade, dismayed, while she gets laid
I'm hoping that she's not
Impregnable