Hey Steven, I can hear you there relievin'
And I'm in the stall a' right by you
After we've talked, please don't balk, 'cause
I'm gonna be, asking for some help from you

Of all the luck, I was born, with birth defects
I've got short arms, like a Ty, rannosaurus Rex
Hey Steven, man, I hope this isn't peevin'
You, but could you help a brotha out

'Cause I can't help it if I can't wipe my a-hole
Can't help but fail at grabbing tissue from this here roll
This deal is tragic, I've been waiting here on this loo
Can't help it if there's no one else
Ummm, I can't wipe myself

Hey Steven, I've been wond'rin' if you're even
Hearing all these things I say to you
Such rotten luck, my life sucks, with these dumb short arms
There's lots of things I just can't do

Can't play ping pong, smoke a bong, raise my hand in class
Can't scratch my hives, give high fives, or just wipe my ass
Hey Steven, why are people always leaving
When I'm coming in to drop a deuce

'Cause I can't help it if I can't wipe my bunghole
It ain't as if I'm askin' you to wank me (although...)
Follow my logic: there's no one in here besides you
So sorry that there's no one else
Ummm, I can't wipe myself

This damn toilet seat bites, it's hurting my cheeks
I sure don't mean to gripe
I'm here on this throne now, so before you go, oh
Come to my stall, and wipe, wipe, wipe

Hey Steven, you could give me fifty reasons
Why you can't help out with this chore
All those excuses, well, they're plentiful
But I have heard them all before

I can't help it if I can't wipe my butthole
Can't help it if my hands begin above my elbows
It's scatalogic, all this talking 'bout my poo-poo
Can't help it that there's no one else
Ummm, I can't wipe myself

Hey, I can't wipe my a-hole
Can't help it if I gotta ask for an assist, bro
Ain't got no magic, no Expellianus spell-foo
This butt ain't gonna wipe itself
Ummm, I can't wipe myself

Myself
Can't wipe myself
I can't wipe myself