Twelve pints of lager at the Dog & Duck pub
Then five hours of dancin' at the local club; but
Your head's spinning madly, so you're hugging a wall
Your stomach's flip-flopping- you might just lose it all
There's a sink in the men's room: splash cold water on face
Have a quick upchuck for luck, and now you're back in the race!
"Hey, sweetheart; you and your rack can come back...to my place"
[*slap*]

Bernie the bouncer says you can't have more beer
You disagree, so he grabs you- throws you out on your rear
There's an all-night kebab shop at the end of the street
Add extra chilli sauce to hide the taste of the meat
That little twerp at the taxi rank is giving you lip
As some Scottish bird performs an impromptu strip
And while her boyfriend pleads with her to stop...here's the cops!

Still feeling queasy as you stumble back home
And though you've lost your shoes, you've acquired one garden gnome
You try to find your car keys, and urinate on the lawn
You feed your cat a Mars bar, and watch some bad cable porn
And in the morning you'll swear to never do this again
That's when the hangover starts, and ev'ry whisper's a din
With a bucket close by your bedside....
It's goodnight...zzzzzzzz