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Song Parodies -> "Coaches"

Original Song Title:

"Roses"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

OutKast

Parody Song Title:

"Coaches"

Parody Written by:

the_conqueror_of_parodies

The Lyrics

Imagine if you will, a preteen sports coach who's a complete douchecanoe. What happens the- what's that? It's not that hard to imagine? Well, now I just feel silly.
Cross the line (cross the line)
Can't cross the line 'cause I kinda cannot feel my spine (feel my spine)
You need a spine to play any kind of sport, I find
I know you know that but all you'll do: cuss loud or throw a spare ball
Yeah, it's bullshit 'cause even though (even though)
You have been told to cut the crap a thousand times (thousand times)
There's no way that you'll look inside and realise
That your style makes you look like a real jerk, haha, yeah

I know you like to shout at kids, no doubt, but
It just doesn't work, you see, coaches shouldn't be a douche
Yeah, coaches shouldn't be a douche (ah, ah, ah, ah)
I know you like to growl at kids real loud, but
It plain doesn't work, you see, coaches shouldn't be a douche
Yeah, coaches shouldn't be a douche (ah, ah)

Cross the line (cross the line)
You yell and scream at very small kids (kids)
A broken ankle? Tell 'em to "walk it off"
Though I'm usin' the word "tell" in a generous manner, not all that much tact
Eleven is where your volume must be set as you splash, splash, splash them with your spit (disgustin')
The bleacher's all aghast at how you spend your time (spend your time)
Not teachin' skills or givin' finer tips, you like
To be vile, lower than the pitch's dirt, yeah

I know you like to drown kids in your sound, but
You're not really helpin', see, coaches shouldn't be a douche
Yeah, coaches shouldn't be a douche (yeah, hah, I)
I know you'd rather shout than throw in towels, but
That kid's got a backwards kneee, coaches shouldn't be a douche
Yeah, coaches shouldn't be a douche (I, I, yeah-hea-hea-hea-eah)

Could be soccer, could be hockey, either way, you take our hobby
And wreck it 'cause we can't copy the grownup you are, "You're sloppy!"
Don't want your ass sayin' "sorry" 'cause it's gonna be fake and choppy
Want you off this pitch, far from the kids you've left bawling
Sure, I'm just one of those "dweebs"
You seethe at because we're not at performance peak
I'm way too weak, use my brain, huge geek
It ain't wrong to tell you off when hate is all you speak
We're kids, not yet tweens, all we really need
Is not the bollocks you preach: "the strong eat the weak"
So bogus, I'm honestly shocked you're not gone yet
You're floggin' ev'ry kid who up and drops from all your harsh tests
We struggle in all the puddles we sweat off, dude
And if we bleed, you laugh and scoff, that's the raw truth

I know you like to shout at kids, no doubt, but
We don't learn a damn thing, see, see, coaches shouldn't be a douche
Yeah, coaches shouldn't be a douche (yeah, I)
I know you like to growl at kids real loud, but
Rank abuse ain't what we need, coaches shouldn't be a douche
Yeah, coaches shouldn't be a douche (I, I, yeah-hea-hea-hea-eah)
I know you like to howl (I know) at kids, no doubt, but (doubt, but)
No reason for you to freak, coaches shouldn't be a douche (douche)
Yeah, coaches shouldn't be a douche (ah-ah-ah)
I know you like to shout at kids real loud, but (ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh)
Purple face can't be healthy (yeah-eah-eah-ee-ee), coaches shouldn't be a douche
Yeah, coaches shouldn't be a douche (ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh)

You can claim you're not that harsh (ooh-ooh), but that's pretty hard
To prove when kids with broken toes (ooh) are told they're still fine to play (ooh-ooh)
In pain (ooh-ooh), real pain
Really wish you would depart, get your own red card
But some part of me hopes you don't so no-one else gets your way
It's pain, real pain (ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh), you're a dick
You're a dick (ooh-ooh), you're a dick
You're a dick, you're a dick (ooh-ooh)
You're a dick, you're a dick (ooh-ooh)
Dick, you're a dick, absolute dick, you're a dick
A total dick, you're a dick, an utter dick, you're a dick
A friggin' dick, you're a dick, just a dick, you're a dick
Absolute dick, you're a dick, a total dick, you're a dick
An utter dick, you're a dick, a friggin' dick, you're a dick
Just a dick

Not as silly as I felt when I discovered that the Thursday update did go through and thus I missed the Friday and Monday updates for nothing. Whoops. Also, bonus: I was gonna compare the coach to people who watch Full Metal Jacket and come out completely missing the point that Hartman was actually a horrible drill sergeant, but then I realised I was writing from the perspective of a kid, and there wasn't room to add "this is a thing my Dad told me". Oh well, maybe that'll be a topic for another parody...

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