Yanking to porno mags
Mom caught me and it’s a drag
Dude, My face got so red
When she caught me pantless in bed

I swear that I almost threw up
The coffee spilled when she dropped the cup
Her hands used to hide her face and shout
“Don’t you be doing that inside of my house!”

I never dated in High School
Girls thought I was perverted and uncool
But a Hustler’s a much lower price
That any date that ended quite that nice

My parents got so irate
That in my room I’d just sit and… (Nevermind)
Easier to get than way back then
To see nude babes just click and log in

(Moan, moan, moan)
(Moan, Splat! Sigh…sigh…)

My only memories of sex were with a Hustler
With some sexy redhead spread eagle on a bed or chair
Girls Gone Wild, Barely Legal
Playboy, Oh joy!
Spent my teenage years yanking in my bedroom
To some photos of lesbians on their Honeymoon
Girls Gone Wild, Barely Legal
Playboy, Oh joy!

Annoyed!

I tried to use the blow-up doll
I popped it while up against the wall
That 50 bucks was surely was waste
I can’t even fix her if I use Duct Tape

Went to Rocky’s to get videos
With my paychecks every dollar’s blown
I swore someday to find out how it feels
To do a chick with or without high heels

I am still a freaking virgin
I got close once but didn’t like my foreskin
She’s had about fifteen kids since then
Didn’t learn about condom protection

Oh no, no
Dumb blonde kind

I never made it in the back of any sport’s car
I got close once, but the seatbelt I think got father
It’s M.I.L.F, That word spells, “Milf”
Hot mom, Da bomb!
I never got beneath the sheets with any nymph gals
It seems the girls I peruse have nun-like morales
And I just blew it, I said “Screw it”
Playboy, Oh boy!

I still flunk out
I can’t run bases
Get sprayed with mace
So in my basement
I pull it out
Do more than read it
Want to get laid
I won’t achieve it

I wish to be in those lays
Til then I’ll rub the magic lamp all day

The University must have hidden all the drunk whores
Because I knew there weren’t much of any inside of my dorm
I’m stuck to porn mags no babes I shag
Playboy, Oh boy!
Until I get a girlfriend I’ll use these until my hand’s sore
The video of Paris Hilton has actually become a bore
Yes, We’ve seen it, you’re no genius
She’s bright? Not quite

Yanking to porno mags
Mom caught me and it’s a drag
Mom caught me and it’s a…