Song Parodies -> "Tour Guide"

Original Song Title:

"New Divide"

Original Performer:

"Tour Guide"

Parody Written by:

The Lyrics

This is kinda like a more angsty version of Weird Al's "Jungle Cruise". Less Disney, more hike through the woods with your basic "fat, culturally-ignorant American douche" style tourists.

Well, I woke up at five
My eyes were very crusty
Couple coffees I drank
I'm on my way to work
Gotta lead around guys
Around these beautiful trees
But then all they do is burp
A good smack's what they deserve

They ask me questions
Like "Where's the mall?"
Why'd they leave their country?
If all they want
Is crap at home they'd find
So I drag them
Through this forest
Of natural beauty
But it's not enough to please their simple minds
Do they hate tour guides?

Don't know why they're outside
And taking lots of snapshots
Since one of them asked why
"When will the lions show?"
This is not a zoo
The wildlife has no schedule
But my reason's never heard
They just complain 'bout the birds

Keep asking questions
About how long
Their hat will take to clean
I don't know squat
I'm not your laundry guy
I'm just a tour guide

There's no McDonald's in the wild
And yet this doofus asks me why
That isn't so, it makes me cry
Can't they enjoy this world of life?
But I think all that they herd
Is "Blah blah blah derpty derp"

Can't it be treason
For any twonk
To interrupt my speech
Just to ask "What
Time do we get inside?"
Give me reason
To not snap now
And rip out all their spleens
Want their money back but this was a free hike
I'm sick of tourists, guys
Ignore me every time
Do they hate tour guides

Some of the examples of stupid tourists in this parody are based on half-remembered anecdotes from NotAlwaysRight.com, but I could not be buggered trying to find them. I'm sure they've got a "tourist" category in there somewhere.

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Porfle Popnecker - May 04, 2012 - Report this comment

Your parody is tour-riffic.

Matthias - May 18, 2012 - Report this comment

I wouldn't even compare this to Weird Al's "Skipper Dan" because his is about wanting to be a famous actor and stuck working on a lame ride and yours is more about tourists being stupid. I really liked this especially working at Disney World and hearing all of these dumb questions all of the time.

Agrimorfee - May 19, 2012 - Report this comment

'Skipper Dan'-erish, indeed, it has some of the same comedic tone. This was alright. Glad to see there was no cussing in this one.

Rex - May 27, 2012 - Report this comment

(Artistry) Can we pet the crocodiles? When will we see the animals sing and dance like in the movies? Are there any wild dalmatians in the jungle? Hey, what are you doing? Don't -- dude, that's my spleen! Fun snapshot of tour guide life (especially dealing with us fat, culturally-ignorant American douches).

Below Average Dave - May 30, 2012 - Report this comment

Agri---no cussing? What's wrong with a little (bleep) here and a little (bleep) there, here's a (bleep), there's a (bleep) everwhere's a (bleep) (bleep) Old Mc(bleed)head had a (bleep) ei-i-ei-i-(bleep). . .I didn't like Skipper Dan by Weird Al, but I liked this, so it can't be that similar

Blaydeman - May 31, 2012 - Report this comment

(Artistry) I usually try and stay away from Weird Al comparisons and judge the parody on it's own merit. That being said, I liked this a lot! I thought it was really funny. Now I know for sure I never want to be a tour guide! LOL! And to comment on the cussing thing, cussing is fine with me. I do it in my parodies all the time, but only when it's necessary. I usually try and stay away from just throwing in cuss words for rhyming purposes.

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