I'm a lamenter 'cause I just remembered
That I left a book I like at the dentist's, shite
Not one that they offer, it's my own, bother
'Cause I know that stupid look in your eyes

Legal retrieval, don't be a jerk and plan a big heist that'll never work
'Cause it never does, it hurts that you can't work out why

You want an adventure, action film wonder
But this is in real life, "necessary" ain't the word that's right
I can call their number, it's not a huge bother
No Ocean's Eleven will be needed tonight

It won't go well for a hundred diff'rent reasons, so don't even try
Put those plannin' papers down, put that too-tight jumpsuit down
It won't go well 'cause you are a total eejit who can't pull a crime
Basic as jaywalkin' now without pullin' in a crowd

Can you remember the other times you thought you could pull off a heist?
'Cause I am such the clumsy type, leavin' all of my shite adrift
"Legal retrieval? Don't be a twerp, just need a ski mask, a flashlight that works
And my hacker cousin Bert, watch us now, we'll be fine"

It won't go well for a hundred diff'rent reasons, so don't even try
Put those suction-cup boots down, put those spools of cable down
It won't go well, it's an impossible mission and also a crime
You should understand that now, just got out of prison now

I was really hopin' that you would learn a lesson and see
That at this "heist" thing, you suck
But I can now see the whole truth, the way you want to help me
Means cloggin' one more air duct

It won't go well for a hundred diff'rent reasons, so don't even try
Do I have to punch you now? Simply have to lay you out?
It won't go well, told you you don't have to do it, can drop them a line
Not made out of cables now, non-getaway drive around
It won't go well for a hundred diff'rent reasons, so don't even try
Even if they threw it out, a replacement beats jail now