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Song Parodies -> "Slam the Throttle"

Original Song Title:

"Crack a Bottle"

Original Performer:

Eminem ft. Dr. Dre & 50 Cent

Parody Song Title:

"Slam the Throttle"

Parody Written by:

the_conqueror_of_parodies

The Lyrics

Car chase scene time!
Escaping Criminal:
Oh, my fellow criminals
The moment you've all been waitin' for
Has gone tits up, may ask "Which problem?" well, all of 'em, I've found
So the question ain't "Should we escape?" that's obvious, duh, start that burner
The only issue, it's fairly logical: just where in the world?
Escapin' (aha, let's go)

So slam the throttle, cause the cops are hostile
When assholes like us get awful rich without the lotto
Uh-oh, uh-oh, the alarm sure likes to waffle
Yes, we know, one of us didn't watch the way they walked, no
We heard you buzzin', yet you're still buzzin'
When we've all finished packin' up all of our stolen goods in the car, shut up
Oh well, you caught us, wait, not lit'rally, numbnuts
We're all in the car, somebody push the pedal down 'fore time's up

Okay (escapin'), let's go (aha)!

Crap, this car ain't reliable, it's so near to junk
Where's the thrust? Need to scarper really fast, it's a must
Want to punch the damn dashboard, need it a bunch, though, that sucks
There's the crunch, never wanted manual but here I'm stuck
Curse my luck, I won't ask the other guys "Take a look"
Cause two of them would only blow the car up, dumb crooks
And that putz may not suck at gettin' cars to work, but
He's a dunce because he's gonna stop at red lights because
We may have robbed half the bank but that's no reason to stop
Breakin' all the other laws in the 'verse, his brain needs a thwock
And now my poor brain hurts because I noticed what's wrong this time:
The handbrake's of a kind I'm not used to, on the wrong side
And now our headin' speed is never what the signs say to do
Half because the brake has a tetchy little trigger, it's true
And I figure: no point in riskin' that, cause the simple
Little fact is that the other half is we have to go

So slam the throttle, ev'ryone's so hostile
Just because we stole an awful lot of cash, no truckload
Uh-oh, uh-oh, pedants all think they're so novel
"Car got filled and not a truck" is not what I meant, dumbos
Don't think we lost 'em, no, we ain't lost 'em
The stupid "good guys" have some problem with the fact that we just robbed all you schmucks
But have they got us scared? Not a chance, so shut up
You're wrong, stop eggin' me on and help me find the off-ramp we want

Wonderin' what the "good guys" might say?

Good guy:
Why can't a slow driver bloke try to rob? Hope my (whoo!)
Tank has got enough juice in it to catch these low guys
Wrench the wheel as I hit brakes to slip through lanes
Really wish I was a cop, sirens that wail
Display to folks that the way must soon vacate
But without any lights on, they think you're really strange
When will this chase end? Cause I doubt I'll get
Enough reward to pay for the scratched-up Benz
That rich asshole will come round for dividends
Drivin' round, after those bellends who stole all that shit
Please don't make me swerve through that fruit table
A really old trope, such a cheap joke, can't see a way out, though
Which sucks cause I know that schtick's been busted, no survival
Miss it, please miss it, my car will end a wreck if I hit it
Looks great, though, no way to pay, blows
I think your brain knows, you swerved away, helps escape, no

Escaping Criminal:
Must slam the throttle, nearly lost my bottle
When faced with the awful option of hittin' that cart, bro
Uh-oh, uh-oh, hate to nudge it, if it topples
That'll send those watermelons onto where the haul's thrown
And I'd say "Bugger!", another "Bugger!"
For when said melons crash right onto the engine which is barely holdin' on
That would be awkward, don't wanna say they caught us
Because we just had to fall for the old trope, sounds awful, would suck

And now my thoughts wander to those bystanders, innocent

Innocent Bystander:
They throttle, always throttle
I don't know if it's gangs or some chase one would see
In action films, who can tell, dude?
It's all still some asshole who drove too close to me
A hair's width dodge, oh God, was almost straight morgue'd
That's not what I'd thought would go on
On my walk today, some awful action schlock
Won't stay and watch, cause soon they're off and down ten blocks
Drivin' on and on 'til somebody's caught
Whether taken in or takin' some debris straight through their skull
And all that effort spent for nothin'
Blown all of that petrol for no real reason, would blow
Ah, nuts, next guy might have no grip (uh-huh)
I think I might have to run, I'm thinkin' "in" (yeah)
Can't crash up here, man, no ramps for tricks (aha)
Super smooth move, I think, move, damn legs, move

Escaping Criminal:
Still slam the throttle, quite a lot of morons
They stand there to gawk at what an awesome scene unfolds, though
Uh-oh, uh-oh, there's another, move, I won't slow
Cause if I get caught, I'll get charged for the ones that got thrown
I never wanted to hit these bastards
Bit shocked that there's so many of 'em, can't they hear the noise that I'm kickin' up?
Why must they bunch up? Keep blockin' exits, not fun
Cause all that's stoppin' my possible escape is all those who watch

What's so terrible about Dodge that makes everyone want to get out as soon as they can?

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